Too much information

I've just realised how self-obsessed all my period ramblings make me seem. It's hard for me to come to grips with talking about myself and infertility-related issues so much suddenly since I'm not used to sharing them with anyone. Perhaps I've gotten a bit share happy and gone overboard. If so, my apologies. Though I'm sure it's helpful for people to read about others' infertility struggle, I doubt anyone wants to read about the intracacies of my menstrual cycle.

That said, given my screwed up cycle, I decided to purchase that icon of the devil's handiwork--an HPT! You know, for shits and giggles. I really do love depressing myself, so I figure the way to sabotage a perfectly happy weekend is to pee on a stick though I already possess the knowledge of its negativity. To further my immense masochism I will do said test in a bathroom stall at work. I think I've surpassed the disappointment stage at this point so when it was negative I did the requisite sigh and sulk for a moment then went back to my desk.

To anyone that actually reads this post...does pregnancy seem like it would be completely foreign to you? There are a lot of things in my life that I think will never happen --being conservative, having a good job that doesn't waste my education, getting a divorce, etc...yet all of these things seem more feasible than pregnancy. Getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term seems as realistic to me as being abducted by aliens. I'm a cynic by nature, but even the tiniest percentage of my brain that is logical holds out no hope. I've "only" been trying to conceive for 2 years give or take and with each failed medication/IUI my cynicism increases volumes. I think I single-handedly support the niche market of depressing music. FYI, the chosen soundtrack to this month's disappointment: Garden State soundtrack and pretty much any of Johnny Cash's "American" recordings. Nothing makes a girl feel better than a little bit of music to make you cry to.


DeadBug said...


Yep. I can't even truly imagine it anymore. Could sooner see myself defeating the Terminator--either in the cyborg sense or the Governator sense. But all of that knowing it won't happen for me doesn't do a damn thing to soften the blow each month, you know?


Jen said...

I've been mesmerized by the Garden State soundtrack lately, too. There's an air of melancholy and wistfulness in it that strangely suits my current mood. Maybe Zach Braff--in addition to being my newest nerd-crush--has the soul of an infertile woman...

MsPrufrock said...

I totally heart Zach Braff. Just thought I'd vocalise that.