I've just realised how self-obsessed all my period ramblings make me seem. It's hard for me to come to grips with talking about myself and infertility-related issues so much suddenly since I'm not used to sharing them with anyone. Perhaps I've gotten a bit share happy and gone overboard. If so, my apologies. Though I'm sure it's helpful for people to read about others' infertility struggle, I doubt anyone wants to read about the intracacies of my menstrual cycle.
That said, given my screwed up cycle, I decided to purchase that icon of the devil's handiwork--an HPT! You know, for shits and giggles. I really do love depressing myself, so I figure the way to sabotage a perfectly happy weekend is to pee on a stick though I already possess the knowledge of its negativity. To further my immense masochism I will do said test in a bathroom stall at work. I think I've surpassed the disappointment stage at this point so when it was negative I did the requisite sigh and sulk for a moment then went back to my desk.
To anyone that actually reads this post...does pregnancy seem like it would be completely foreign to you? There are a lot of things in my life that I think will never happen --being conservative, having a good job that doesn't waste my education, getting a divorce, etc...yet all of these things seem more feasible than pregnancy. Getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term seems as realistic to me as being abducted by aliens. I'm a cynic by nature, but even the tiniest percentage of my brain that is logical holds out no hope. I've "only" been trying to conceive for 2 years give or take and with each failed medication/IUI my cynicism increases volumes. I think I single-handedly support the niche market of depressing music. FYI, the chosen soundtrack to this month's disappointment: Garden State soundtrack and pretty much any of Johnny Cash's "American" recordings. Nothing makes a girl feel better than a little bit of music to make you cry to.