1/04/2005

Broken parts -- spread the word?

I think of myself as a private person. I suppose this isn't too surprising considering my husband is the only person I can tolerate for more than a day of continuous exposure, and even that is tested at times. When I moved abroad I didn't leave many friends behind, as many had moved further afield anyway. I guess it's because of this that I never shared my problems with infertility, or even PCOS with anyone outside my family. As it stands now, my mom is the only person I discuss these things with, and even that is at no great length because I cannot cope with her attempts to try and make me feel better.

Me: Well, I'm still doing the injections. I get one dose every night and sometimes two. I feel a bit achey and emotional, but aside from that I'm fine at the moment.

Her: I'm sorry to hear that. Hey, you know that woman at church that had fertility treatment? She had her baby. She only had one IUI before she got pregnant. She said her friend also had to have fertility treatment and she got pregnant with twins the first time! Oh yeah, and the one that had the twins cousin's greatniece took Clomid and got pregnant too. I'm sure you will be soon too.

Me: Yeah...so how are the dogs?

I suppose she tries. She has lovely functioning ovaries that churned out two kids, so I don't expect her to know what to say.

I don't feel as if I can share this infertility business with anyone primarily because I don't want their sympathy. I don't want people to feel as if they have to think of something to say to make me feel better, nor do I want stories about how it will happen to me if I just invest in the power of positive thinking. I think a lot of people with children have fertility guilt, and I don't want to put people in that difficult position. Naturally this does not mean I don't resent some people with kids, because I do. Not everyone...I'm selective in my jealousy and resentment. I have been reading some blogs lately of astonishingly strong women that have moved past that point on the rugged road of infertility, but I'm afraid I'm not there yet, and I don't see the end being in sight. Anyway, that is a whole other topic...

The intent behind this post is to find out if other people feel as private about their infertility experiences as I do. I have worked very hard to mask my identity in this blog because of a desperate fear of being googled and found out. I'm slightly bothered by my irrational fear of being discovered as AN INFERTILE, as it's not like I'm writing a beastiality blog or confessing my incurable lust for George W Bush. I guess I'd be a bit embarrassed by any cooter comments that I've made, but aside from that it's not as if there is anything to be ashamed of. Why am I so scared that people will find out my ovaries are broken?!?!

5 comments:

DeadBug said...

Dear Ms. Prufrock (as in J. Alfred?),

So glad you commented on my blog so I could link back and find yours. I have added you to my blog roll and would recommend that you contact Julie at A Little Pregnant (www.alittlepregnant.com) if you'd ever like to be included on a lot of other peoples' sites, as many of them refer back to her "Big List of Blogs" as the sort of IF Blog yellowpages. She updates the list every couple of months.

As for privacy, I can tell you that I spent the first year of failures without telling a soul; even my husband wasn't aware of how the infertility was really affecting me, even though he was obviously there for it. A few months ago, I told one friend; a few weeks ago, I told several more, as well as my sister. It felt good to get it off my chest--no longer having to lie in answer to the, "So are you guys thinking about having kids?" question or pretend that my doctor's appointments were really lunch dates. But, of course, nobody knew how to react--none of them had ever been through IF, and I don't know anyone in "real life" who has. Just a bunch of unforgivably fertile women, every last one.

The rest of the family is in the dark, and will be till I'm cerfitiably pregnant, if that day ever comes. I can only take so much ineffectual sympathy and "just relax" variations.

All the best to you,

Bugs

MsPrufrock said...

Amen to that Bugs. Congrats on being able to share with other people - I'm sure it's helpful. Funny how so few people know of anyone with fertility issues, hence making conversation about it uncomfortable. See, we're rare and unique beings! Yay us indeed...

MsPrufrock said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
wendy said...

Hi. I came across your blog hitting the next button. I stopped to read because of the Frida Calo pic.

Anyway I guess you could call me one with fertility guilt.

nicola said...

I too have PCOS. And I haven't told a soul... aside from my husband, and obviously all of those medical people have cottoned on. I cringe every time bloody Cosmo/Cleo/Woman's Whinge does an article on PCOS... one day, somebody is going to put it together and bust my hairy secret.

I have made a recent discovery as to why I am so secretive. I just received my results on a personality profile - one of those dinky things you do as part of professional development. Apparently I am off the scale Dominant. One of the main characteristics is that I am results driven and failure is not an option. Not exactly a newsflash - having lived with myself for quite a number of years! This goes hand in hand with not being open with my failures, why the crap would I be - I am meant to be perfect!? I think I am going to blame my Dominant personality on PCOS - the irony!

I was first diagnosed when I was 19. So, that explained all the hair and the bizarre periods! Even back then, I told no one. Not even my mother. Seems I'm a regular vault! I started to put out the message that I didn't want a boyfriend/babies - I wanted a career.

Fast forward, have career, plus husband and think I want child and now am 31, on Met, have done three rounds of clomid, and have started my first IUI on injectables. I am becoming very accustomed to having a condom covered plastic stick shoved up my clacker, while the ob takes off his shoes and socks so as to count all my follicles.

To cut a long boring story off, I think the real reason I don't talk about the PCOS or the infertility is because I don't want people to know I have failed. It pisses me off that I think of this as failure. Most things come to me, usually after a bit of hard work. However, this frickin baby crap doesn't seem to work, no matter how hard I work at it.

Right there with you on the baby dust, dh, bd, angel babies and all the other cutesy they go on with!