9/05/2008

Bitch is crazy

It may have taken me a month, but I'm finally ready to tell the tale of the Aunt Florence experience from our trip to the States. I would hope to have a massive response to this post given the subject matter - people spitting coffee at their monitors or laptop screens, so overwhelmed by the sheer hilarity of my fucked up family - but even two whole pictures of The Stroker only got me 15 bleedin' comments, THE STROKER people, THE STROKER. Recognise.

Last time Aunt Florence was discussed, I mentioned her new party trick of asking my Mom if she could have a) a stone rabbit keyholder and b) one of her dogs. You know how it is when you don't hear or see something firsthand you doubt its occurance? Say, if someone told you of the existance of an open-minded Republican who didn't always yammer on about September 11th, defending our freedom, and denying civil liberties*. You would wonder if this mythical beast existed. Such is Aunt Florence.

Aunt Florence lives about 5 hours away from my Mom, so she(thank god)is unlikely to just drop by. She came to P's birthday party and was as sane as she could bring herself to be. Aunt Florence didn't want to share us, so she demanded that we set aside a day soon after the party where we could monopolise The Crazy. The Dude was pissed that we had to cross off an entire day of our trip to humour her, but if we didn't, she would no doubt spend the next six months whining to my Mom that we didn't spend enough time with her.

So on this visit day Flo wasted no time providing blog fodder. For this, I thank her. We were sitting around awkwardly, with the TV on in the background serving no purpose but to give us all somewhere to look so we didn't feel pressured to make idle chat. She glanced at the table to her left, piled high with dozens of pieces of paper, magazines, a nail file and assorted other detritus. She picked up a lone sock and said to my brother C, "Whose is this?" When it was confirmed by C that this raggedy old sock was my Mom's, Flo seemed instantly buoyed by the good news, then asked, "Do you know where the other one is? This is niiiiice." C and I tried desperately to act as if this was perfectly normal behavior and somehow managed to pull ourselves together as Flo fondled the sock.

C and I had to go run some errands, and luckily for The Dude and P, Flo wanted to come with us, allowing them a few moments of rest and recuperation. Flo was in top form in the car, pointing out a house she lived in at 23 when she was a student nurse in a local hospital. Harmless enough, right? It is, on its own, but not when the addendum is, "...and I was still a virgin then. At 23! That's practically unheard of. I wasn't what you'd call sexually experienced. When I did lose my virginity at 24, it was to Arthur (her current boyfriend). Of course, I was his first too!" After this revelation, I just sat in the back of the car unsure of what to say. C, because he is one of those freaks who knows the right thing to say in the most awkward times, managed to say something funny in response. Somehow, in this alternate universe, we found ourselves laughing at the loss of my aunt's virginity.

The rest of our car trip was like a scene from a surrealist film from the 30s. All three of us sang along to "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" by The Carter Family, playing on C's iPod hooked up to the car stereo. At some point, likely apropos of nothing, the subject of pot came up and Flo volunteered that she still had a bong somewhere, and perhaps some roach clips too. We somehow managed to avoid the topic of aunt sex for the rest of the journey.

When we got back home, we reassumed our places on the sofas in the TV room. My Mom was there, so Flo took this opportunity to ask if she knew where the mate of the 12 year old sock could be found. My Mom, a bit shocked but able to tell where this was heading, declined any knowledge of the whereabouts of the absent sock. Flo, dejected and more than a little disappointed that she wasn't able to score a free pair of used, decade-plus aged socks, put in a request that should the mystery be solved, that she would like to be the heir. For the benefit of you all, I took a picture of said sock, so that you may understand the lure of its beauty.



Thus endeth Socks, Pot and Virginity: A Sordid Tale of Flo.


*To quote Sarah Palin's speech - "Al-Qaida terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America ... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights?" I nearly choked on my own throat when I read that. America, send help!

18 comments:

Nic said...

Duuuudddde, that's one cool sock!

I cannot imagine the subject of loss of virginity coming up with any of my older relatives. I'm glad you guys found a way to laugh at it, I think I would have to spend the rest of the trip picking pieces of my jaw off the floor!

EJW said...

What is up with the thing where people demand that you come spend time with them, then you all sit around watching television?

Especially when there's a kid that they obstensibly want to see. No, my 18-month-old is not interested in your old war documentaries.

My in-laws do this. It drives me nuts. I finally put my foot down and declared "I'm not driving 3.5 hours, each way, with a kid, to go sit and watch television in their overheated house. If they want to see the kid, they can get off their retired asses and come to us."

calliope said...

wow. That lady is some kind of something...

& that part of Palin's speech FREAKED ME OUT. & people fucking whooped & clapped. oh help...

Erica said...

That IS one damn fine looking sock. No wonder Aunt Flo was bogarting it.

electriclady said...

Oh, but look at the BEEYOOTIFUL flowers. Do you hate flowers? What are you, some kind of commie?

Aunt Becky said...

Um, Pru, this is going to be awkward, but I wanted you to know that I have the other sock. I stole it from your mom.

nutsinmay said...

Ohhhh the cringe. Cringe cringe. Owie, I think I cringed too hard and crumpled myself.

And the floral sock? Oh dear.

(I think I still deserve an honourable mention in The Crazy Relatives' Sex-Lives stakes for having my Dad tell me, when I was SIXTEEN, that he and my step-mother used honey as a contraceptive, and then, oh God, he went on to tell me WHY HE LIKED IT.

I have never forgiven him. I suspect if my step-mother found out, she'd never forgive him either).

Major Bedhead said...

Wow, smell The Crazy wafting off this post. Or maybe it's the sock....


Sarah Palin makes my head want to explode.

Lut C. said...

That is one exquisite sock.

I hope she doesn't let her eye fall on P.

Brigindo said...

Come on, a sock like that? Who wouldn't covert it?

For the rest of her natural life I would insist on Brother C being there whenever you had to see her.

elizasmom said...

I bet you have noticed that I have stopped by several times since you posted this, and not commented. Frankly, I'm at loss. Just, WOW.

And it sounds like my mother in law and your Aunt Flo would get along swimmingly in the TMI department. I know things about that woman's bowels and sex life that I don't even know about my own mother. ::Shudder::

DD said...

It's obvious that some people have a deficiency in taste when it comes to ferret strokers.

Aunt Flo has nice taste in socks, though. C'mon, it's got no holes in it as far as I can tell and who doesn't love a floral foot cover?

Kristine said...

And you didn't offer to go have a smoke with her?

Awesome sock too, btw.

Kath said...

OK, you win the crazy relative sweepstakes. HAPPY NOW?

I love how she brought up the sock again when your mother was there, and that your mother knew where she was headed with that. That just says it all right there.

I just saw excerpts from the Palin speech. You ARE joking, right? Right?

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Dude! Your Aunt is Strange! And I am beyond aghast. I would spontaneously combust with sheer embarrassment if any of my aunts shared details of the dreadful deed.

That's one terrifyingly horrible sock, right enough. But lest you think me overly perjorative, let me assure your mother (directly, if she's also cottoned on to your US internet traces?!) that I also have socks that are Just As Bad If Not Worse. And many of them are odd threadbare ones that I'm just too tight to throw away.

Hmmm. Perhaps we're related.

Rachel said...

I hope you've got a lot of floor space in your flat because should that crazy bint and her grandpa get elected, the Diroll-Zack family is decamping to your house. I am already practising my best British accent (hey, if Madonna can pull it off, so can I).

As for crazy aunts, I have one who is convinced that Todd Rundgren put electrodes in her ears in 1970-something and is using her to attempt to control the United States government. This explains quite a bit, actually, about both my aunt and the government. Hm.

PJ said...

I particularly like the slight wearing around the heel. I think that Flo must've been drawn to its vintage charm :)

I would watch a reality show about Flo.

Vacant Uterus said...

That is one mighty fine sock. Those roses, the delicate tan color...I mean really, it's the perfect specimen! Maybe she can just wear it with another petty sock even if it doesn't match.

You know, for her next sexual experience with Arthur.