My brother recounted some funny snippets to me the other day involving our dear Aunt Florence. Having only been able to share them with The Dude thus far, I thought I'd air them here. I know none of you have ever met The Crazy (though Molly's visit last year meant she missed her by sheer days), but hopefully you'll find this funny anyway.
I've summarised my Aunt's personality a bit before. She lives in a trailer with a handful of cats, is on disability, and her shopping mecca is the Salvation Army. I know, I know, good for her being frugal, right? Fair enough, but I am rather tired of hearing, "Well Pru, I'm afraid I won't be able to get you much for your birthday this year, because I have no money", her mantra for the past 20 birthdays at least. Never in my nearly 30 years have I indicated that I expected anything, let alone a magnificent and expensive gift.
My brother says that recently Aunt F. has been slowly trying to take over my Mom's belongings. Upon spying a small stone rabbit key-hiding apparatus in my Mom's living room (yeah, I don't know why it's not actually outside either), Aunt F. asked where my Mom got it. Mom said it was a gift from a friend, which prompted my Aunt to say, "Hmph. I wish I had friends like that." I echo her sentiments - I've always lamented the fact that of my three whole friends, no one has ever thought to buy me anything even resembling a key-hiding garden ornament. What a bunch of tight bastards!
A couple of hours after the key-hiding lust episode, my Aunt spied some random antique trinket my Mom picked up at an auction. Lacking any hint of subtlety, my Aunt picked it up and said, "I like this. Can I have it?" My Mom, bewildered, figured that it was easier to just let her have it then perhaps point out that this wasn't a Salvation Army donation centre.
It seems she has a habit of fixating on certain items and magically acquiring them. My Mom was involved in dog fostering for awhile, and had a few terriers which were abused and ill-treated by previous owners. Part of her job was to gradually socialise them and make the dogs comfortable with people again before they were to be adopted. My Aunt took a shine to one of them and said to my Mom, "She's so cute. Can I have her?" My Mom laughed, believing it all to be a joke. My aunt's reply? - "No. I'm serious. I want to take her." Thankfully for everyone involved my Mom ensured that my Aunt left the dog. My Aunt loves P but of course doesn't see her very often, so I'm just waiting for that inevitable conversation: "P is adorable! Can I have her? No, I'm totally serious."
Completely apropos of nothing, I just thought I'd spread the good word to anyone who doesn't read my Twittering - I got my fat ass up and out of the house and went running tonight! I was up with P from 2-3am last night, I had a frantic and suckassy day, the kid didn't get to bed until 8pm, and STILL I laced up my aging running shoes and ran like a motherfucker. Ok, in fact I only started the Couch to 5K programme today, but it's a start, right? Right? I'm trying to ignore the fact that back in the day I ran track, cross country, and played competitive soccer year round, and now I'm doing a run/brisk walk combo for a mere 20 minutes. Oh, how the athletically mighty have fallen.
However, if I want to be like this sexy fine girl again, I have to do what I have to do.
Ok, I was like, 14 there, and I don't want to have the body of a 14 year old girl. Also, seriously, what the fuck was up with me back then? America's Next Top Model wasn't on for another 10 years, so what that posting was about I have no idea.