3/01/2005

Who here wants IUI #3?

Me me me!! What can I say...this seemingly flawless procedure failed me again. I started spotting Sunday night, and though I knew this meant a full-fledged period was impending, I held out for that .0005% chance that it could actually be implantation bleeding. Tell me, does this really exist, or does it function solely to lead us worn out infertiles on? "Ooo...spotting. Not a full period yet...could it be...?" No, it can't.

It was difficult for me to absorb all these emotions and head to work yesterday, but what choice do we have? As some of you may have guessed, I love T.S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Clearly the poem does not concern infertility, but I have stolen a line from it that I feel perfectly encapsulates how infertility makes me feel: "There will be time, there will be time/To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet". Infertility is such an important part of who we are, yet we all carry on with facets of our lives that run concurrent with infertility but never intersect. It can be such a chore to continue with this facade, pretending everything is ok in the aspects of your live uninvolved in infertility, but knowing once you're back in your own home that this dictates so much of who you are.

Before going to work I feel as if I have to leave so much of who I am behind in order to get through the day. I have to pretend as if this thing that drains me does not exist. It's so difficult to switch to this person in order to keep up appearances. I do the same when I have to deal with The Dude's family. It's a double life, a guarded secret. Thus far I think I'm succeeding with the faces I have prepared, as I imagine most of you do as well.

IUI #3 is my last chance before IVF. This is what is saddens me the most. IVF always seemed so far off, something which was a total last ditch effort, and here I am. The Dude made me cry in my bath tonight, as he was telling me quite nonchalantly since he was off sick today googled both IVF options and adoption. Jesus. So here we are. Wasn't it just yesterday I got off the pill?

5 comments:

Molly said...

So, so sorry my dear.

I think everyone, to a degree, has to leave a bit of them behind when they go to work. Who at work knows that I sing opera or I have a bizarre fixation with Antiques Roadshow or I check certain blogs numerous times a day? I guess that's the price we pay for getting a job that will pay the bills while we work toward our real careers.

I can only imagine, however, that leaving behind infertility (which seems to inch its way into every corner of your life) is particularly difficult. I'm thinking of you, Pru, amd hoping IUI #3 does the trick.

Suz said...

Oh, Pru, I'm sorry too. You've expressed the feeling of putting on the "second face" so perfectly. It's part of the reason why I stay holed up in the house with sweatpants on so often.

I truly hope that #3 is the charm and you don't have to think next steps. It's a scary jump; we're male factor so were told IVF on the same day we were told that we were infertile. Go directly to jail..don't collect $200, is what it felt like. We're 10 days into IVF and I'm still not sure we're adjusted to it yet. Chances are we might not ever get there.

Anonymous said...

Well, crap Pru. But I must say...I admire the Dude's initiative. Seems he's working on a little "face preparation" of his own, which is about all you can do when the control is taken away from you.

Stay strong.

MsPrufrock said...

Thanks people. I need all the encouragement and support I can get to keep me sane. Thank god for bloggers I say!

Anonymous said...

Pru,

You said it so eloquently. Yes, that is exactly how it feels.

Wishing you the best of luck for IUI #3.

xxoo,
Emily