Me me me!! What can I say...this seemingly flawless procedure failed me again. I started spotting Sunday night, and though I knew this meant a full-fledged period was impending, I held out for that .0005% chance that it could actually be implantation bleeding. Tell me, does this really exist, or does it function solely to lead us worn out infertiles on? "Ooo...spotting. Not a full period yet...could it be...?" No, it can't.
It was difficult for me to absorb all these emotions and head to work yesterday, but what choice do we have? As some of you may have guessed, I love T.S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Clearly the poem does not concern infertility, but I have stolen a line from it that I feel perfectly encapsulates how infertility makes me feel: "There will be time, there will be time/To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet". Infertility is such an important part of who we are, yet we all carry on with facets of our lives that run concurrent with infertility but never intersect. It can be such a chore to continue with this facade, pretending everything is ok in the aspects of your live uninvolved in infertility, but knowing once you're back in your own home that this dictates so much of who you are.
Before going to work I feel as if I have to leave so much of who I am behind in order to get through the day. I have to pretend as if this thing that drains me does not exist. It's so difficult to switch to this person in order to keep up appearances. I do the same when I have to deal with The Dude's family. It's a double life, a guarded secret. Thus far I think I'm succeeding with the faces I have prepared, as I imagine most of you do as well.
IUI #3 is my last chance before IVF. This is what is saddens me the most. IVF always seemed so far off, something which was a total last ditch effort, and here I am. The Dude made me cry in my bath tonight, as he was telling me quite nonchalantly since he was off sick today googled both IVF options and adoption. Jesus. So here we are. Wasn't it just yesterday I got off the pill?