3/24/2005

End of an era

My period has arrived. Thus ends the IUI stage of infertility, the dawn of IVF is nigh. I'm 26 years old, I don't drink, smoke, drink caffeine, or eat foods that are high in fat or sugar, I take supplements that are to aid fertility, and for what? Absolutely fuck all.

A few hours ago I planned on being insightful and witty in this post, but reality has come crashing down on me. There is nothing past this next step. Surely I haven't been treated for infertility long enough to now be at the last step?

Tonight, once I first discovered that IUIs are in fact a complete and utter waste of time, I dealt with it quite well. I calmly told The Dude that this wasn't the month and casually started chatting about our next consultation when we'll discuss IVF. I felt rational for a time, which is unusual for me. What has pushed me over the edge is The Dude's visible disappointment. Understandable, but it has left me completely guilt ridden. I feel like not only do I have to deal with my own feelings on all of this, but I have to cope with the fact that he has been let down by me again. I'm the cause of his sadness, but there is nothing I can do to fix it. It's a horrible feeling that I would not dare wish on anyone.

Now I'm fuming about people that get pregnant easily, and wondering how the fuck this can be so hard.

I'm sorry if I sound terribly self-pitying and oh-woe-is-me. I know lately has not been the best of times for a lot of bloggers, so as someone that has yet to venture onto the physical and emotional rollercoaster that is IVF I feel a bit overly dramatic.

What a way to start the Easter holiday.

12 comments:

Suz said...

Don't Pru (feel bad); the jump into IVF is a big one and can be extremely intimidating/fearful. You're entitled to every feeling and expression that you have. I have no assvice for you on the male factor factor other than to say that it's something we deal with as well. I wish I could take all my husband's disappointments away, but I can't. Take care of yourself, Pru, and I'm really hoping that this ride goes smoothly for you.

Milenka said...

I'm so sorry. Good luck with IVF, should you take that route.

Molly said...

Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm so sorry, my dear friend. Shit.

I'll be out of town this weekend, but I'll check my hotmail, so email me if you need to chat. Much love from Wisconsin.

Floyd said...

That so totally sucks. I'm sorry. Please don't beat yourself up too much.

Thinking of you this holiday.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. First, the mother visit--then this? Bad month. And no matter how it happens, it just sucks that you're still not pregnant.

I'm gearing up for my last IUI, too, after which I'll be on the same IVF path. Wanna suffer together through all that entails? If so, you're going to have to return to alcohol, caffeine, and fat & sugar--I don't see how we'll make it through otherwise!

Hope you've got some good things to get you through the weekend, and the weeks to come.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard this all is.

Take good care

Moogielou
Fractured Fairytale

Julie said...

I'm so sorry. I know your pain well. After 5 unsuccessful IUI's, that pain in my husband's eyes were almost too much to bare.

IVF is a scary step but I know so many people who have been successful with it.

Julie

deborah said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. But I promise you, IVF isn't nearly as difficult when the Internet has your back.

amyesq said...

Dammit! Been there myself and know the crappiness of it. Please be good to yourself this weekend.

-Amy

P.S. And just so you know, in my world "be good to yourself" means get really really drunk.

Pamplemousse said...

I am with you on the whole bloody thing sucking! On a scale of one to hellish, well, you can guess the score.

DeadBug said...

Oh, Pru, I'm there with you. The crashing realization that this is it--that there no step beyond this--is some scary shit. I couldn't believe I'd arrived there, either, but here I am, and you know what? It's not scaring me half as much as I thought it would. This may be the last treatment step, sure, but it's not a one-shot deal. I can try it as long as my insurance will let me, if I'm up for it emotionally. And as someone (Ankaisa, maybe?) commented when I posted a similar feeling a couple of months ago, it may be the LAST hope, but it's also the BEST hope.

That feeling of being responsible for your husband's disappointment is a big burden to bear, but he married YOU, not a breeding robot, and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel like it was all your cross to bear.

Wishing you the best,

Bugs

thalia said...

Pru, I'm so sorry about the IUI. I too have looked up the success rates and they are crap. Not sure why they make us go through it, except that it's so much less invasive and therefore worth a try. One of my best friends has got pregnant twice on IUI so I know it can work. In my health authority they won't pay for IUI but I'm fairly sure we'll just pay for it ourselves before diving into the nightmare of IVF. What health authority are you in?