3/23/2005

Because I'm a whore

My stats have plummeted in the last week, and I'm desperately hoping it is because I said I wouldn't be posting much while my mom is here. Some might wonder why I'm so bothered, but may I now take the time to tell you all I have no real life friends. None. In true 21st century loser fashion my friends are all thousands of miles away, reachable only by instant messenger and email. Add to this lame fact that I share my infertility with no one and an obsessive, stat checking comment whore is born. I apologise if my odd twitching, rather unnerving stare and massive dopey smile scares anyone off.

In case anyone is wondering how I managed to post twice in the first week of my Mom's visit, it's because I'm a crafty, scheming minx of an infertile. That, or she wasn't in the flat at the time. At the moment Mom is on a lovely two day jaunt to places north of here, so here I am. She has managed to avoid any mention of my infertility being cured by prayer circles or a good chiropractor, but I'm sure it is forthcoming. Yesterday she asked me what the next course of action is assuming IUI #3 didn't work (ha! Poor, darling, naive little mother...it's an IUI. Of course it won't fucking work!). When I said IVF, she just looked stunned. Yeah, it snuck up on me too. The Dude was plotting a little uterine blackmail:

Him: Fruitbat (his affectionate name for my mom), Pru and I would like to provide you with your first grandchild, but unfortunately our desire for material goods such as a plasma television precludes us from coming up with the neccessary cash for IVF. Gee, it sure would be a shame if you had to wait years for your lazy, somewhat mildly retarded younger son to reproduce and bring his demon spawn into an unsuspecting world.

The Dude was very keen on this idea until he realised that a) Fruitbat would probably offer some money, and as such would b) consider herself justified to be the child's religious guru, which is The Dude's biggest nightmare. I can see it now, "Mommy, Grandma Fruitbat said that I would have been born a lot sooner had you agreed to be part of her prayer circle."...

6 comments:

Molly said...

Well, I've checked your blog like 3 times today so I'm doing my part. It's everyone else who sucks.

I love that The Dude calls your Mom FRUITBAT. That kills me. You do have a fine line to walk there -- maybe you should just take her purse and somehow steal the money without her knowing. She wouldn't miss around $15,000, would she?

Suz said...

Hey. I do not suck. Well, I do, but only on occasion.

I can't get at my stats from my new template and I suppose it's all well and good. If I could, I'd be like you exactly.

Like Molly, I love that the Dude calls your mom Fruitbat.

deborah said...

Fruitbat! I love it!

deborah said...

(this one is just to get your stats up)

Julie said...

Twitch away my friend, twitch away. As a fellow infertile from Philadelphia, I feel your pain (I came across your blog from Dead Bug's blgo).

April said...

Molly sent me the link to get my stats set up and I am a complete stat addicted whore now. I am completely useless to my employer - my family.... everyone. I just keep refreshing to see where people are coming from - what they're looking at.