My kid is still young, right? Surely I do not actually have a kid capable of saying the following:

Setting - In the kitchen making dinner with The Dude.

P wanders in, then quickly heads out, closing the door as she leaves

"See you next week! I go see Granny. Bye kids!"

door closes

I am now curious if I should ask her if she would care to discuss themes and dominant elements of my current read, Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies.

Just overheard: "I put nappy on. Princess nappy. Sound good? Yes, sound good."

In case you were wondering, this is not a conversation between P and a parent. This is an exchange P has with herself, alone, in her room, sitting on the floor talking to a nappy.

P doesn't deal so much with questions as she does demands. For instance, "Mum get up", "Mum sit down", "Mum be quiet", "Pooed in nappy. CHANGE IT!" and today's personal favourite - "Dad hit Mum pwees". I have no idea where that last one came from, and of course domestic violence is no laughing matter, but it was quite difficult not to smile. Maybe she has visions of me being abused whilst she sits to the side giggling and revelling in the delicious violence she has just induced.

She is fiscally conservative, choosing to take any small amount of money I may have in my wallet and gifting it to her father or asking me to put it in her piggy bank. P will then shake the empty wallet and say, "No hear money", throwing it down on the floor in disgust. I have asked her if perhaps I am able to have my own money back, being as I work full-time and certainly deserve to have an entire £2 in my wallet, to which she always replies, without fail, "No, Dad's money. NO MUM!" It's such a great feeling to be told off by your 2 year old and deprived of your own cash like a child undeserving of her allowance. When there is no money in the wallet to start off with (a frequent occurance), I am told time and time again, "No money in der! Mum, no money in der!", with the wallet waved in my face for extra emphasis on my disappointing poverty.

I often listen to her and think of Pearl. I then kind of want to re-create that sketch in my front room, because there is something indescribably hilarious in inferring that toddlers are demanding, foul-mouthed drunks. I also worry that there wouldn't have to be much of a script, as P seems Pearl-like without even trying.

One can't help loving the Tiny Dictator, or her other self, Carney Folk:

As you have likely recoiled from your computer and pondered taking a hammer to the monitor lest the beast manage to creep out of the screen to chew your face off, this was just a bad photo. Evidence of carney heritage is only mildly evident in a good photo in the form of the ever-present mullet, because as we all know, God loves a mullet.


statia said...

Holy shit dude. I am CRYING. I'm not sure what's funnier. The kid swearing or the fact that someone told that kid to swear. Or that it's just really fucking funny.

I also think you need to save that first picture for when she starts dating.

Lut C. said...

How old does she need to be before you can enroll her into one of those ladette to lady programs?

That picture is most unflattering. Boy will she be angry if she ever stumbles on it later.

elizasmom said...

Maaan. She actually gave herself a little dictator moustache with whatever greeness she is eating. That is fantastic. I adore that picture, particularly in light of how goshdarn cute she is in the other one (tiny birkenstocks! I do not enjoy birkenstocks as a rule, but tiny pink birkenstocks are AWESOME!)

Jenn said...

That is a serious mullet. She looks so sweet and innocent in the second picture :)

Mine can't quite talk as well yet, but they crack me up when they start arguing with each other.

Aunt Becky said...

I laugh because in several months, I will hear the same things.

And the mullet? IS AWESOME.

Major Bedhead said...

Heh. It's a good thing they sometimes do these funny things. Otherwise, I'd sell 'em for science experiments.

Irene said...

What a great source of humor you have there. I would be constantly in a fit of giggles. How could you not love a little dictator like that, who can also look so sweet and innocent? I think you may not want her to grow up. This stage is much too funny.

Heather said...

I was only made aware of the prevalence of the mullet in the under three crowd, after my own tiny dictator grew one of her own. The mullet queen.

anita said...

Does this mean I have my own little dictator to look forward to soon?

The Kentucky Waterfall must be her was of showing off her American roots. Go P.

electriclady said...

Aw, but so cute. And it is filling in nicely on the top and sides there.

The other day, I told BG I was leaving for work and she waved me off with, "See you later, Mommy."

DrSpouse said...

I have no idea what Carney Folk means but that video is hilarious. The outtakes are even funnier.

Nic said...

I think it's so funny to hear things we say spouted out of those little mouths.

And what a cute little mouth it is, she's gorgeous!!!

Tash said...


I often think Bella is an aspiring movie director: "Sit there! Get me juice! Move the dog! I can't work with these people!

Mullets rock.

DD said...

Because I'm an asshole and I have not slept or ate in three weeks, all I can say is: the resemblence is uncanny.

DD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DD said...

And apparently all that makes me say it twice.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could remember who it was, but there was a video clip of a comedian on YouTube where he described toddlers as being like very angry deaf people. It's really more of a visual.