My kid is still young, right? Surely I do not actually have a kid capable of saying the following:
Setting - In the kitchen making dinner with The Dude.
P wanders in, then quickly heads out, closing the door as she leaves
"See you next week! I go see Granny. Bye kids!"
I am now curious if I should ask her if she would care to discuss themes and dominant elements of my current read, Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies.
Just overheard: "I put nappy on. Princess nappy. Sound good? Yes, sound good."
In case you were wondering, this is not a conversation between P and a parent. This is an exchange P has with herself, alone, in her room, sitting on the floor talking to a nappy.
P doesn't deal so much with questions as she does demands. For instance, "Mum get up", "Mum sit down", "Mum be quiet", "Pooed in nappy. CHANGE IT!" and today's personal favourite - "Dad hit Mum pwees". I have no idea where that last one came from, and of course domestic violence is no laughing matter, but it was quite difficult not to smile. Maybe she has visions of me being abused whilst she sits to the side giggling and revelling in the delicious violence she has just induced.
She is fiscally conservative, choosing to take any small amount of money I may have in my wallet and gifting it to her father or asking me to put it in her piggy bank. P will then shake the empty wallet and say, "No hear money", throwing it down on the floor in disgust. I have asked her if perhaps I am able to have my own money back, being as I work full-time and certainly deserve to have an entire £2 in my wallet, to which she always replies, without fail, "No, Dad's money. NO MUM!" It's such a great feeling to be told off by your 2 year old and deprived of your own cash like a child undeserving of her allowance. When there is no money in the wallet to start off with (a frequent occurance), I am told time and time again, "No money in der! Mum, no money in der!", with the wallet waved in my face for extra emphasis on my disappointing poverty.
I often listen to her and think of Pearl. I then kind of want to re-create that sketch in my front room, because there is something indescribably hilarious in inferring that toddlers are demanding, foul-mouthed drunks. I also worry that there wouldn't have to be much of a script, as P seems Pearl-like without even trying.
One can't help loving the Tiny Dictator, or her other self, Carney Folk:
As you have likely recoiled from your computer and pondered taking a hammer to the monitor lest the beast manage to creep out of the screen to chew your face off, this was just a bad photo. Evidence of carney heritage is only mildly evident in a good photo in the form of the ever-present mullet, because as we all know, God loves a mullet.