Uterus = AWOL

IUI #4 started just as promisingly as the previous three - panties were stuffed in purses, tables were mounted, a white cloth was carefully draped over netherregions. WHYBAML adjusted his lamp to give him a 60 watt view of what I have to offer, and proceeded to insert the catheter, as per normal. But...but...there was a problem. Can't...find...uterus.

WHYBAML: "Does Good Lady Cooter Poker generally have trouble finding your uterus during IUIs?"

Me: "Uh...the first time, but it only took a moment. Where did it go?"

WHYBAML: "Nothing to worry about...I'm just surprised that you haven't had trouble before when this is proving so difficult. Oh, hey...you have a very good mucus situation going on at the moment though. I'm pleased to see that. Did you realise the quality of the mucus?

Me: :::instantly envisioning myself playing with said mucus and scientifically evaluating its strength and consistency:: "No, I can't say I have!"

:::in the background, the macho man to my right who considers himself impervious to all disgusting matters medical, throws up in his mouth a little:::

This is where the fun started. WHYBAML crouched down, peering into my cooter, which, for someone that tries to forget that there is someone down there, did not do much for that attempted thought diversion. For all those who think having the forceps plying you open for a good solid 20 minutes is a non-traditional way of having fun, I am here to say it is anything but that. Three different sized catheters were given their go at finding the elusive uterus, with the final one having the golden touch.

Catheter three did not find the uterus on its own. WHYBAML had to wheel over the ultrasound machine and give me an exterior ultrasound to figure out what was going on. Eventually my uterus was pinpointed, so it had not gone shopping for shoes as I had been theorising. WHYBAML had some difficulty trying to balance holding the ultrasound thing (if it's not an ultrasound wand, I'm clueless) and inserting the catheter simultaneously, so he asked me to hold it in this very specific location on my stomach while relaxing sufficiently to allow the catheter to be united with my previously thought to be absent uterus.

As someone with a posterior right ovary and a tilted cervix, this recent development of yet another delinquent sexual organ is not surprising by any means, but I am a bit concerned. WHYBAML kept insisting that most people don't have a trouble with catheter insertion all of a sudden, which makes me wonder -- where the fuck was all that sperm deposited in previous IUIs? I feel like that elephant that was mentioned on some blogs a few months back. The poor thing had IUIs for about 20 years and the staff at the zoo only just realised they had been inseminating her in completely the wrong place, like her ear or something. No, not really her ear, but very far off from where the sperm needed to be. Did GLCP shoot the sperm into my kidney or something? I'm baffled.

With the IUI complete, I today had the pleasure of my first interaction with the progesterone pessary, or as I have cleverly coined it, pussary. Get it? Uh, yeah...Do you ever think how infertility drives one to try to create new puns? Seriously. Whenever I'm trying to think of titles for posts, they generally revolve around attempts at puns or wordplay. Yet another reason to hate infertility...an over reliance on puns.

So pussaries...what's the deal? I hate them already. I feel dirty being at work and going to the loos to squat in a cubicle and poke stuff all up in my business. What good does it do anyway? I could feel it sliding out of me as I walked down the corridor and I was desperately hoping the warhead-shaped vegetable fat conglomeration didn't plop onto the floor having fallen out of my underwear. Perhaps it's like an airplane hangar up there and there is nothing to hold the poor pussary in place to give it a chance to dissolve. I'll tell you one thing though. My inner thighs are all waxy and smooth now thanks to the...er, leakage.

I was amused by one thing pussary related though. The little leaflet that comes with it indicates that you can insert it vaginally or anally. They use "rectum", but then follow that word with "(back passage)" for the anatomically uninitiated. Not even "(anal)", but the ever-so-British and correct "back passage". Oooo er missus.

The 2ww has officially commenced today. I'm hoping my recent addiction to PlayStation 2's "Def Jam NY" will see me through these trying times. Nothing gets a girl's mind of infertility like a little bit of virtual streetfighting.


Molly said...

I'm still laughing at "back passage."

Someone (Mare?) suggested inserting those pussaries at night or a few hours before waking up to prevent leakage. But if I know you (oh, and do I ever), you're enjoying that waxy, smooth inner thigh feeling.

Now smack that uterus into shape!

K said...

Dontcha love rebellious parts that are unwilling to be seen? I'm glad he finally got everything straightened out.

Hee hee, back passage... makes it sounds like more of an adventure than it really is.

Nico said...

Well, at least you have good mucus.

If they didn't specifically tell you to do the pussaries during the day, night-time is definitely the way to go. You'll still need a pantyliner, but your inner thighs should be wax free.

Unless, as Molly suggests, you really are enjoying that feeling.

Julie said...

Oh Sweetie - I think I may have just pee'd a little. You are too funny. I definately agree with the before bed thing but I will tell you, they are icky beyond reason no matter what you do! I bought an industrial sized bag of panty liners and went through them by the dozen!

Hope this IUI hit the mark!

luminista said...

Ditto to Molly and Nico. Night time. Insert and then immediately lie down for at least 30 minutes. Lots o' panty liners. And if you dribble a bit of water on them right before you insert, they go in easier and I think start to dissolve faster.

And get used to the sludge.

And good job at the doc's you slut. The next 2 weeks are going to seem like an eternity for those of us who love ya.

Dooneybug said...

I don't envy the pussaries.

Good luck!! :)

Jenn said...

Dear GOD don't insert them in the "back passage" if you don't have to. I had do and hated it even more. :( Congrats on the mucous? :)

Manuela said...

Thumbs are crossed and the long-distance well-wishing has begun...

And... you've never admired the quality your mucus?? Really?? I thought that was just a given...k... perhaps I now have another reason to feel like a complete freak.

MWAH! Sending you good-luck air kisses.

mm said...

I think your ute was with my brain... guzzling tequila somewhere in Mexico. Glad to see that your organ at least is back on the job. (I hold little hope that my brain will ever return.) Sending you tons of good luck vibes.

Panda said...

You reminded me of a song by one of my favourite musical comedy trios:

Oh mucous
How do I
give thanks to you coz
There's no end to
All the tasks
That are done by mucous

As a mode of
Mucous you're bacteria's best friend...

I've spent far too many hours wantonly admiring the amount and quality of my mucous. Doesnt everyone?

Em said...

I love this whole process...so many new things to learn. I am dreading my gynae appointment next week because I'm scared of what will be revealed. Well done on the cervical mucous. What did you do to get it so good?

PJ said...

So they've been putting it in the wrong place all along. Sounds like you need some compensation there :)

I hope this one is it for you. Everything is crossed over here.

Pamplemousse said...

Ugh on the pussaries, indeed! They make me feel nauseous and dizzy, if not smooth-thighed.

elle said...

Oh my god I laughed my ass off! Thanks goodness he found your uterus, b/c really, that's what we pay the big bucks for.

T said...

Um, EW. Don't you people have the civility to jab 2 1/2 inch needles full of oil in your ass? Really!

Anonymous said...

Heh heh, love your new term for the progesterone.

Good luck in the 2ww.


thalia said...

Thanks for this. I like the sound of Dr WHYBAML. I might have to switch. Are you happy to share him? Or do we need to fight?

So excited about the likelihood of my thighs getting all waxy and soft. Not that they're not soft already, you understand.