8/02/2005

Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me

Oh, the shock my brother would endure if he knew I quoted his beloved Dave Matthews Band. Though I hate them and would rather listen to a cow giving birth on a hot summers' day, I always found that line kind of funny. Little did I know how appropriate it would be years later vis-a-vis my Good Lady Cooter Poker dalliances.

Tomorrow I have my first cooter poking in about 3 months. Ah, how I've missed thee. While I was in the bath tonight, I got to thinking about the shift of importance in these meetings over time. At first, it was a massive deal for me and I spent about an hour the night before preparing myself -- tidying up my business, scrubbing, shaving, waxing, giving cooter pep talks...the usual. I made sure to wear appropriate clothing that would not give away too much (I'm not that kind of girl), nor would it be too limiting. I would timidly walk into the room, and blush when GLCP said, "You can take off your panties behind that curtain." because despite my blog brashness, I'm a prude at heart. When it came time for contact, I would stare at the ceiling and pretend that I was not actually being vaginally violated by a condom-covered microphone looking thing. By the way, am I the only one that thinks it looks like that stupid microphone (albeit a bit thicker) that Bob Barker used on the Price is Right? I am? I suspected as much...

Oh, how times have changed. Nary a spare thought is devoted to preparation of the Venus Mound now because frankly, who cares? GLCP has seen this snatch so many times in various states of hairiness and unhairiness that I sincerely doubt she is making mental notes. Painted toenails? For amateurs. I scoff at you. I'm barely in the room and the panties are off, hell, if I even wore any to begin with. GLCP cannot even utter a cheery "hello!" before I'm up on the chair, legs splayed and ready to go. Rather than uncomfortably glancing at anything but GLCP and the ultrasound screen, I'm making jokes and having conversations about bum ovaries.

Who said infertility doesn't help you grow as a person?

15 comments:

mm said...

Ha! You know how when you were single, you always seemed to get lucky on the one night when you forgot to shave and or were wearing giant sensible underwear? (No? Perhaps it was just moi.) Maybe the same idea will work for us in the whole quest for fertility. I'll minimally prep myself for my appt with RE #3 on Fri and-SHAZAM-I'll get knocked up. You think I'm kidding, don't you?

Dooneybug said...

Amen sister.

And don't forget to spay or neuter your pet.

Molly said...

Oh, to be that condom-covered-microphone-shaped cooter poker tomorrow . . .

kiwi said...

I'll never look at Bob Barker the same way ever again.

K said...

I'm dying at the microphone comment! I too was once one of those who prepped for the visits. Now, they're lucky if my hair is dry from a quick shower.

thalia said...

So what did the magic microphone say?

PJ said...

As always Pru, your observations are on point. I will never look at the cooter poker in the same light nor will I watch The Price is Right with the same naivete.

Oh what were they thinking when they gave him that microphone.

I hope everything goes/went well today.

Pamplemousse said...

I hope you had a good seeing-to with the cooter-poker! Just pretend it was Seth!

Ova Girl said...

Happy cooter-poking. You know maybe it's worth doing a little something different down there to see if they notice?
I remember being told this great story about a woman going for her (ultrasound? perhaps it was) and being in a hurry to freshen up, grabbed a can of cooter-freshener from the bathroom, had a quick spray and hurried to her appointment. There she was, legs up...and the technician was very calm, talking etc and as the procedure ended he said:"just wanted to thank you for making such an effort today". She thought that was a tad odd but didn't bother about it until she got home and found she'd actually used her daughter's can of glittery hairspray.

T said...

If only we could put that on a resume, huh?

Sorry you've been sick - did you find out what you had?

Panda said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Panda said...

Go the glitter hairspray! Why didnt I thing of that???

Yes, the first cooter poking experience was sooooooo devastatingly embarrassing. Now, I insist they shove one up there rather than pissing about with an abdominal.

good luck with the wand monkey.

amyesq said...

Another DMB hater. And good luck with the cooter poke.

Julie said...

OK, the cooter should have been poked by now. Spill it, what's up, up there?

Leather Skirt said...

Maybe the same idea will work for us in the whole quest for fertility.