I was a closeted lesbian before my time

I'm a trailblazer. I was using the term "googling" at least 4 years ago in reference to that much-underrated pasttime of gluing yourself to google and typing in the names of everyone you knew (those you liked/disliked/expressed ambivalence for) in high school and college. Fast forward a few years later, and "googling" has become part of our heavily techno-influenced vocabulary. I like to think that had I patented that statement I would now be lounging by a pool wearing marabou stork feathered heels, a bikini with transparent chemise, martini in hand, watching a half-naked tanned Adonis fish leaves out of the pool in which I never intended to swim. The Dude, eh...we would have an "understanding".

This brings me to my other concept which has recently garnered some popularity -- the notion of the girl crush. Yet again, years ago I would tell friends and various internet mailing lists about my "Lesbian List". This list was comprised of famous women that, if I were so inclined, I would totally get with. At least a few times a year I would modify this list and publish it for those who cared, which wasn't too many. I would then encourage others to give me their lesbian lists, which I would scrutinise and often mock. Pamela Anderson?? No! Women don't find her attractive, only men who have delusions as to what a real woman looks like do!

The concept of a girl crush is not an exact parallel, as it is more in reference to a woman you know that you admire rather than a woman you find attractive in a non-sexual/but-if-I-was-a-lesbian kind of way. I admit, I've had a girl crush in the past, way before it was the trendy and hipster thing to do. I have only recently confessed this to The Dude, because as he knows of my Lesbian List, I thought he'd really start to have doubts about my sexual orientation. Not surprisingly, being male, he thought it was hot. He grinned stupidly with a dazed expression on his face and asked the specifics of Girl Crush's appearance. Pig.

Girl Crush worked in the same bookstore as me. She started a few months after I did, and from the moment I saw her I wanted to be her friend. She was beautiful and intelligent, and just as the article I have linked mentions, I was totally nervous around her. I felt in awe of everything about her and though at the time I didn't equate those characteristics with a crush, I suppose it was in a manner of speaking. Not long after we met I had a sexually oriented dream featuring Girl Crush and myself, which made me even less comfortable around her.

It's odd really, because I could easily see myself having another girl crush in the future. I think my Girl Crush was the epitome of everything I felt I was not, and that admiration manifested itself in this need to be around her. I view the sex dream with Girl Crush as a bit of a fluke, since I genuinely don't like thinking about women intimately. Sure, I'll chat about vaginas, mucus, discharge and all the other fun things that go hand in hand with IF blogs, but I don't want to have sex with any of you. Well, not until we get to know each other anyway. Or if you give me money.

Since I'm sure I'll be asked, here is my Lesbian List. I'm curious as to who other bloggers might want to shag...you know, if that was the way your bread was buttered. This list is not in any particular order, aside from the first.

1) Gwyneth Paltrow - Gwyneth has been atop the list for years now. She will never be dethroned!

2) Molly Parker - I like to stare at her when I'm watching Deadwood. Beautiful.

3) Linda Cardellini - She's looking a bit lollypoppish at the moment, but I still think she's gorgeous. Plus, she was Lindsay Weir.

4) Sophie Ellis-Bextor - In the UK the media always slags her off for having a wide face as well as being pale. From one moonpie-faced pasty person to the other, I salute her.

5) Kate Winslet - I'm amazed when people don't find her attractive. Let me just say...Kate Winslet + Joaquin Phoenix in "Quills"...I think I have to clean off my chair.

So that's at least 5. If I really strained I'm sure I could think of more. So, in an effort to keep my mind off the conclusion of the 2ww, c'mon you lezzers -- who would you have on your list?