This is a flat ass-free zone

Brothers, sisters, glory be! My mother was just here for a visit and there was no mention of my extraordinarily flat, nonexistent ass. I like blogging about my Mom. She's such an odd little woman that I just can't help turning her visits into blogable anecdotes.

I'm still trying to work out how my Mom managed to stay at our place for 10 days without mentioning the ass. I suspect she was just itching to tell me how my ass defies physics by rejecting any hint of roundness, but she held her tongue this time. She likes to emphasise that her own ass is pronounced, and usually connects that to her love of dance. Yeah...I don't know either. I like to dance in the privacy of my own home, and I don't think the flatness of my ass hinders me in any way.

There is a new theme to her visits which seem to have supplanted the ass fixation - weight gain. I had a baby nine months ago and I'm having a bit of difficulty losing my baby gut and excess boobage. Sorry. I go out on walks, try to eat healthy, but the Pipgut remains as do some other jiggly bits I'd like to banish. I plan on focusing on this issue shortly, but I have been otherwise engaged. You know, child-rearing and trying to keep my house from looking like a college student's bedroom.

My Mom is no waif. She's not a large woman either, but apparently we are now compatriots in fatness. Before I tell you the gems she came out with, I will add that I was not as thin as I wanted to be pre-pregnancy. Thanks to PCOS I gained about 30lbs in my early 20s and never managed to shed the weight. Point being, I haven't gone from being a stick insect to a bloated tick. More like a moderately full tick to bloated tick. With big tits.

Before my Mom's arrival she asked if I wanted her to bring me any clothes from the US. I stressed that no, I did not want any clothes at all. None. Will not wear them due to morbid obesity. I even told her that I only have a rotation of two different trousers and 4 tops because I refuse to go shopping in my current state. I find it depressing and would rather not be forced to ponder the weight I have neglected to lose in these 9 whole months.

What does she do? Oh, bring clothes of course. It was only one full outfit and a pair of trousers, but it was much more than I wanted. The pair of trousers were her castoffs, as her ass was apparently too big for them. Naturally the thought process was that ol' flat ass would slip into them with nary a cheek too wide. As it happens they fit lovely in the ass, but not so much in the stomach. Do you think it's necessary to fasten a pair of pants, or could I just go with the zipper half up? Hmm...so much to ponder.

A few days into her visit Mom dispensed some fashion advice for those hauling around remaining baby weight - wear a tunic! They're stylish! They're lightweight! You can't lose! Her actual words were, "Before you go back to work you should buy some of those tunics that are so in right now. It will cover up that stomach." That stomach. It's its own entity now, so giant is its size.

Offensive weight - related statement number two : "Pru, when I gained a whole lot of weight I didn't want to go shopping either. It was too depressing, so I know how you feel." Thanks Mom. I'm going to go haul my massive gut to the kitchen and eat some icing straight out of the can.

Third and final weight comment before I flipped the fuck out and told her to stop talking about my girth: "Do you know what's flattering for women carrying a bit of extra weight? Wrap tops and wrap dresses. They make you look much smaller than you are."

I know she could have said far more offensive things, but I don't like talking about my weight at all. Uh, except for here. I don't want to think about not fitting into my old clothes, or new clothes for that matter. I certainly don't want people to acknowledge that I have weight to lose. Though I know I do, it somehow seems all the more obvious if other people see fit to mention it.

I suppose there is just something about me which inspires others to make weight-related comments. When I worked at a very large US chain bookstore which rhymes with "hoarders", a colleague and I were talking about rules put forth by a tyrannical manager. In an attempt at solidarity she said, "Us big girls need to stick together." It is worth noting that I was about a size 8-10 and girlfriend had at least 50-60lbs on me. I was not happy with my weight at the time, but I wondered how I must have looked to other people if this woman saw me as being the same size as she was.

This incident always fresh in my mind, it didn't help when my brother-in-law was lamenting the size of his wife's breasts, looked at me and said, "No disrespect, but often women with big boobs are a bit fatter than women with small ones." Implication being, my wife = no boobs, but thin and gorgeous, you = boobalicious but a bit on the large side. We were at a posh Indian restaurant at the time and needless to say my appetite was suddenly suppressed.

The moral to this long, drawn out, oh-woe-is-me post is : if you see me out on the street, don't tell me what clothes would best suit me, or give me tips on how to disguise my Pipgut. At this point I would even welcome any comments about my flat ass.


Anonymous said...

As a fat (yes, I really am fat, it's not a parental hallucination) girl with SPLENDID boobage, that often refuses to be contained in blouses of my alleged size, and who gets nagged constantly by slender mother/skinny sister/impertinent aunts/every medical practitioner I ever did see from the age of 25 onwards, dear heart, I feel for you. Even though you're thinner than me. (I also felt more fat and unnattractive when I was three stone slimmer than I am now, simply because of the constant barrage of remarks, which seem to have died down a little in awstruck wonder at the regardless expansion of my girth).

Bah to the lot of them.

My aunt-who-is-a-midwife is very very firm in her opinion that it takes at least a year to begin to lose the baby-weight, and women who insist on losing it sooner are very much missing the point (you've just grown an entire human being in there!) and possibly damaging their own health. She used to shout this at skinny sister when she moaned about her squidgy hips and gut. I found it all highly amusing (miaow).

Not a helpful comment, I'm sure, but my commenting muscles are rusty. I'll improve

rockmama said...

Strangely enough, I also spent some time, for my sins, working for the eponymous "horders" chain. This actually contributed to my waistline as we were all expected to do shifts in the cafe where it was very easy to make cookies unsaleable by "accidentally" sticking your thumb in the middle of one as it came out of the oven and then washing it down with chai.

I think mothers are genetically programmed to make us feel large. My mother, although I know her nagging is motivated by concern for my health, (her side of the family is populated by people with obesity problems) makes comments from time to time about the amount that I have to lose. (I don't feel THAT overweight, but acording to BMIs, I need to lose about 60 pounds!)

Rachel said...

I, too, worked at the same bookstore! How funny!

We are coming up on nine months post-partum as well, and the belly is still in existence, as are the hips and the ass and the double chin. I have been busy keeping the baby alive and have therefore NOT had the time necessary to haul my ass to the gym to sweat for an hour. Oh, to have A WHOLE HOUR!

It's apparently gotten SO BAD that The Husband has offered to get me a personal trainer to come to the house and help me work out. I don't know if I should be offended or not, and by the way, did you know I GREW A BABY in this body and therefore deserve to have it LOOK HOWEVER I WANT?

You're fabulous, Pru. Stay that way (although I will gladly loan you some of my ass if you need some).

DD said...

Does your Mom have a birthday coming up? Send her several flowy tunics and wrap blouses.

See if she gets the hint.

Lut C. said...

Well, I've gotten a REALLY bad deal then, I'm a bit on the large side, with small boobs. :-/

Hayley said...

Focus not on the perceived fat, focus on the splendidly expanded boobs!

Seriously, don't worry about not having lost pregnancy weight at 9 months post baby; my sister had my niece nineteen months ago and still hasn't hit her pre-pregnancy weight. She still looks beautiful, and I'll bet that you do, too.

OvaGirl said...

Gee whiz, there's nothing that makes you feel better after a day baby/house/work wrangling than to have a family member give helpful suggestions on weight loss. For me it's usually my grumpy grandad. And the wierd thing is, he really thought he was being kindly and helpful.

So, not only rude, but stupid too.

You know they say blogging is the best revenge...

queen said...

Oh mothers... may I *never* mention my child's weight, EVAR. This I vow. And if I ever have a girl: I will never compare our bodies. EVAR. As God is my witness...

Anonymous said...

Think of how much you're learning from my mom -- you become more aware every day of how you WILL NOT be treating your own daughter!

Fuck 'em all. I'll be waiting for you in the kitchen with two spoons and a canister of Betty Crocker.

electriclady said...

Ha! Mothers are just like that, no matter how thin you are. My mom was here this weekend and I mentioned how even though I don't have much pregnancy weight to lose, it's all concentrated in my gut, and she said, "Yes, I can tell." Thanks, Mom.

Ms. Perky said...

I'm fat. My mother is much fatter. All my life every bite that I've put in my mouth (even when I was an anorexic size zero) was met with a disapproving frown from my mother, a sigh, and "Are you really sure you want that? You know you need to watch your calories."

I like dd's suggestion of sending your mother wrap blouses and flowery tunics. Love her suggestion, actually. I think you should do it!

cat said...

Ahhhh mothers. Will we all lose our ability to edit and be kind to our children as well?

I bet your ass is fine, your boobs look swell and you'll do whatever you want with the extra junk when you are damn good and ready.

Nico said...

Mmmmmm... icing right out of the can....

Major Bedhead said...

I like dd's suggestion.

My mother doesn't say anything, she just looks at me. With that special look mothers reserve for daughters they think are not reflecting well on them. Ugh.

Brooke said...

And you've refrained from hauling off and smacking anyone, how?

I PRAY my baby gets hubby's metabolism when she's older, but if she's cursed with mine, I have vowed to NEVER mention asses, boobs or wrap dresses.