1/10/2007

Merry war, Christmas is over

After nearly a month of no posts, it will be miraculous if there are still readers hanging on to this dear old blog. Add to that the fact that my last post went down like a lead balloon loaded to the gills with lead and a basketful of cheesy, bad-spelling women who say things like "ttc", "babydance", "aunt flo", dumping babydust on unsuspecting infertiles below. Jesus, you try to maintain your cynicism after you pop a baby out of your vagina and this is what you get...

The bulk of my holiday was spent trying not to roll my eyes at my alleged well-meaning mother, but what would Christmas be without family-related drama? I am relieved that I can now live each day without hearing little nuggets of wisdom regarding P.'s development and her desperate need to have more tummy time. Christ on a bike, the number of times I had to weather comments like, "Make a wedge! Put her on her stomach or else she'll never be able to lift her head up! She'll need to have her head propped up on a stick mounted on her motorised wheelchair if you don't give her tummy time because she'll never have strong neck, arm and leg muscles!" Ok, perhaps I am paraphrasing a bit, but it's not too far off from what was actually said. At least 4 times a day. For 2 1/2 weeks.

I'm sure some of you will read this post just to find out if my flat ass was highlighted. Rest assured, dear readers, my mother did not disappoint. I was making P.'s lunch one day and my Mom, never one to ignore a flat ass, said, "You know, you have no butt at all." Sigh. She either has no recollection of her regular ass dissing, or she really wants to drive the point home so me and my flat ass look into implants, thus making her proud of me and my new ass once and for all.

Since telling funny stories of my Mom never gets old, I'll recount one from the night before she left. It almost made her tummy time and flat ass obsession worth it. The Dude was watching UFC, and the audience was panned to reveal Kid Rock. My Mom looked up from her ebaying of antiques and said in a I-think-I'm-so-sassy-and-up-with-the-street-lingo way, "He don't impress me much" and pursed her lips/grimaced in an "oh no girlfriend" kind of way, then went back to her ebaying. I was waiting for the accompanying finger snaps and head waving, perhaps with a talk to the hand motion, but alas, it was not to be. Through his attempt to suppress his laughter, The Dude said, "He's got the moves, but has he got the touch?", but my Mom didn't get it. Her response? "I don't care, he still don't impress me much." This woman is the origin of half of my genetics. Worry for me. Worry for P.

In other holiday-related news, the card exchange was an apparent success. Thanks again to everyone who participated. I hope you received many fabulous cards from fabulous places. I'm going to start working out now for next year's exchange. Rather than (flat) ass shots, I'm thinking along the lines of a tasteful nude.

Believe it or not, I have quite a few new posts brewing. Inspiration? Surely not! I'm planning on going back to my roots, discussing some IVF and PCOS issues (though not necessarily together) which will hopefully encourage those amongst you with no interest in baby-related bogging to emerge. Speaking of emerging, it's De-Lurking Week or whatever, I agree with DD in that it is a "blatant and self-effacing attempt to get one to comment", but I'll be a whore anyway. Specifically, if you are a lurker with a blog, let me know. I only have, like, 86 feeds on my Bloglines and I obviously need more. Hell, even if you lurk and don't have a blog, tell me about some blogs you like! It's like mutual comment masturbation. I get more comments, you get more traffic to your blog. That way we both leave satisfied. Ooo la la.

26 comments:

Lumi said...

I have never read nor commented here before.

Ever.

But have decided to masturbate you...(wait, did I get that right?)...for your comment-masturbating week.

Hi.
and Bye, dear person whom I never read nor emailed nor spoken to.

Ever.

(please forgive, there was baby barf last night and I have not had coffee nor sugar for 9 days now)

Mollywogger said...

Delurking to say that your mom makes me bust a gut.

OK, I'm not delurking. I just wanted to make you excited for about one sentence and then cruelly let down to see that it was just boring old me.

Beachgal said...

I don't think I've ever posted a comment here, but in the spirit of the week: HI!

Jenn said...

I am so going to try to work the phrase "mutual comment masterbation" into a comversation today.

Alexa said...

Delurking to say flat asses are hott.
Rrowrr. (That was a sexy growl, in case you missed it.)

May said...

Definitely delurking to say: Thank you for making me laugh my head off on a regular basis. I've always been too chicken to comment. But I missed you while you were away - I even put you on my teeny little blog-roll, without even asking (is that blog-stalking behaviour?)

rockmama-in-waiting said...

I give you the mandatory masturbatory comment. :)

DD said...

How come I feel like I crave a cigarette after each of your posts?

(Was it good for you too, baby?)

julia said...

Hey, look, I'm on your blogroll! How cool is that? I'm such a geek, I get a little thrill of excitement when I see my blog on someone else's list. I feel like Sally Field. "You like me, you really like me."

Yeah, ok, shut up, julia, before they realize how screwed up you really are....

Oh and your mother and my mother might be separated at birth because my mother makes many of those same comments. Only my ass is the opposite of flat and boy, does she let me know about it.

Cathy said...

Another de-lurker, glad you're back. Where I came from, we were called "shovel-butts" as in flat as the backside of a... I'm in awe that you lasted that long with a mother visit!
and now back to the comment-masturbating fun. Thanks!

lisa said...

Have not commented in a long time but even if you hadn't asked people to delurk, that mom story would have made me comment anyway. That was hilarious, a true LMAO as the kids say nowadays.

Karen said...

I've been reading for a long time, but I think it's been a while since I've commented. At any rate... my long-range plan is to move to the UK, but there's ONE thing holding me back... if I moved across the pond, I'd have to suffer through LONG visits from my mother and/or mother-in-law. Not sure I could handle two solid weeks with my mother in my space, and certainly not my mother-in-law!

Panda said...

Long-time reader, first-time commenter *ahem*, and I'd just like to say that I was extremely disappointed that your Holiday Card did NOT in fact include a picture of your flat ass. Thanks for ruining MY fun at Kweznuz.

Sami said...

Delurking to say thank you for the wonderful card exchange - even if I'm a slacker and my group didn't get theirs until after Christmas (at least I HOPE they got their cards as my husband says he mailed them out) however he also was supposed to mail out our thank you notes from the wedding and I found those 1.5 years after our wedding... he's a good man most of the time.

Sorry for the mom comments... they can be very frustrating!

mony said...

hiya. delurking to say i had mother over and also endured the motherly advice... all the old fashioned myths came out.. "are you burping her?" "no" horror. and the classic, my mother to my father "john, bub hasn't got a vest on" dad: "what, no vest" me: "mum, its summer in australia, it's hot, why would i put a vest under her outfit?".. hubby and i call them 'the mad ones'.

Ova Girl said...

That did impress me much, Pru.

As did the excellent card swapping! Oh my God, I felt like a celebrity getting cards from the states. Look at those hilarious stamps. The gorgeous cards! The neat way people write their address on the front of the envelope!

loved it. Thankyou and your flat ass.

Hetty Fauxvert said...

The flat ass thing kills me. Back a million years ago when I was in college and weighed 90 lbs soaking wet (um, literally -- I was way too thin), the sorority chicks in my dorm would squeal at me, "You're SOOOOOO skinny! Ha ha ha ha!" And then they'd insist they meant it as a compliment. Betcha a dollar if you called your mom on the ass comment, she'd claim it was a compliment.

Um, I do have a blog: http://hopefulbaby.blogspot.com/ But it's more fun reading yours than buckling down and writing in mine!

seepi said...

I don't have a blog, but i'm thinking about starting one - maybe.
I tend to look for Australian ones, so here is one you don't have
http://sparklesinfertility.blogspot.com/
I hope that's not bad manners to list someone elses.

I too have the flat backside. Unfortunately coupled with the fat stomach. Lack of correct bumps and grooves makes it very hard to keep my pants up - ooops! Yet another unforseen side-effect of having a baby.
seepi

Millie said...

Man, your mom is funny with the cool lingo and such.

Lut said...

My cards got lost in the mail, I think. Must be my sloppy handwriting on the envelopes.

Nico said...

Dearest Pru, I'm sorry I've been a miserable commenter lately. I sneak a blog read every now and again, but commenting requires a bit more time which is hard to come by these days. Eh. Anyway. I still read, and still love your snark, no matter what you're talking about. You'll have to change your address and leave no forwarding information to get me to go away. Does that make me a stalker??? Enough rambling. Still love you!

Her Bad Mother said...

I'm not TOTALLY a lurker because I commented once before. But, still, that was ONCE.

Anyhoo. Can I just add? I HATE the term 'babydance'. Ugh. Sounds like the sort of thing that gets you off of your 'mooncups,' double ugh.

Alice said...

Moms. Gotta love 'em. My mother believes all my problems (fertility-wise) are the direct result of my long commute. She hasn't commented on my ass yet . . . but then, we live in different states.

Tim said...

I'm a different kind of lurker, I guess, but how can I get on your Christmas Card emailing list for next year? You know, just asking.

Anna said...

I loved the card exchange, and actually met another blogger as a result (and our sons had a play date)!

Hey, I wish I had a flat ass. Am happy to comment, and will try to drop by more often. Must also blog more often as lack of comments indicates surely next to no one is coming to my blog any more. See? this is what happens when you only post once a month. I'm working on it, I swear...

Have a lovely weekend, and thank you for your card! :)

Deanna said...

Ha! I found your blog by googling "Baby Dust" and think it is so great that you hate it! It's interesting always how everyone buys into the touchy-feeliness of pregnancy boards. I totally bought into it myself. But let cynicism reign! I can appreciate both things.