Paper or plastic?

In this night before retrieval I'm pondering the important things - do I wear socks? If I do wear socks, I need to make sure they don't have holes in them or are otherwise embarrassing. Am I allowed to drink before the procedure? If so, should I just stick to water? Have I removed all the excess hair that otherwise left intact might scar a poor member of the clinic staff for life? Should I wear make-up? Not even a little bit? Will I drool? If the doctor is hot, will I, in my drug-induced stupor offer him a night he'll never forget? When I wake up and see The Dude, will I remember his name? Further to the drugged up line of thinking, will my under the influence self have the same potty mouth my blog self does? I can just see myself shouting at the nurses in the recovery area, "And all you motherfuckers can just step the fuck away from my cooter. Bitches."

All of these thoughts are flooding my mind because in the last few days I have pushed IVF to the back of my mind. The Dude has been suffering from very severe migraines since the end of last week, often leading me to ponder whether to get him to the emergency room. He was in such agony this weekend that I thought I'd have to phone WHYBAML and call the whole thing off. Unfortunately for The Dude I can go from calm to panic attack in about 10 seconds flat, and my attempts to stave off anxiety were proving largely unsuccessful. As I have no friends (cue sighs), I had to break down and call my mom last night just to get all of the pressure off my chest.

My mom is in the middle of a move, which I have spoken about in previous posts. I phoned her up at her new house, and she regaled me with stories of the move and my brother's inadequacy to do anything except beer runs for the assorted 20-somethings helping out. The entire time she was rattling on I was trying desperately not to burst into tears, occasionally putting my finger over the mouthpiece so that I could sob a bit and blow my nose. Eventually she said, "How was your day?" whereupon I gurgled something about The Dude being sick, me having the procedure on Tuesday, and being stressed out. She proceeded to do the motherly thing, giving advice, trying to soothe me, and told me that everything would be ok. With me still sobbing and not making much sense, she decided that this was an ok time to answer her call waiting. Five separate times. It is typical Pru's Mom to exhibit this type of behaviour. Consoling one minute, casually carrying on conversations with someone else the next. I suppose it's better than the time my brother was excitedly telling her a tale from his day at school and she was pretending to pay attention, albeit with a faraway look in her eyes. He did not even reach the denouemont of whatever boring story he was telling when she casually reached for the phone, dialled the number of her best friend and began a conversation with her, leaving my brother in the lurch.

The other entertaining aspect of this telephone conversation was when she said, "So is Tuesday when they harvest the eggs?" Egg harvesting? It's not the fucking Matrix. I assume that this is more or less the same as retrieval, but it sounds so sci fi. Hi, I'm an egg harvester. It brings to mind the Handmaid's Tale, as if I am nothing but a breeder. A crap one at that. Someone's going to want their money back.

Twelve hours from now my legs will be splayed and I my business will be exposed to yet another assortment of unfortunate individuals. So...what about those socks?


tania said...

socks - yes

drinking before procedure - I think not. I don't remember when I had to stop - maybe I could have clear liquids up to a certain point. Don't drink anything until you've called the clinic the moment they open.

exfoliation - I figure despite the fact that I'm a hairy beast that whatever jungle exists on my body is probably not the worst they have seen. So, if you feel like it go for it. If you've got some tv shows you'd rather be watching, by all means sit your ass on the couch.

embarassing comments - but of course. and you say them over and over and over because you get temporary amnesia (at least with the kind of anesthesia they used on me) so you'll ask about 25 times right in a row how many eggs were retrieved.

Good luck!!!!! Keeping my fingers crossed!

statia said...

I think we're related. Because that sounds like my parents.

Good luck showing off your cooter tomorrow. Don't go doing anything crazy like flashing the doctor.

Manuela said...

Oh...hohoho... this is so making me laugh... I've gotten comments about the egg harvesting as well. Though my favourite description came today, via email, from one of my best friends. Ready?

"what dates are T minus 7 for your extraction and reimplantation?"

Extraction and reimplantation. Nevermind the T minus 7 bit... I imagine that voice from the old James Bond movies... the one that always did the countdown before the universe was about to explode... that woman with the indistinguishable accent...

T minus 7 to extraction and reimplantation.

And your mother? Oy. Just oy.

Oh!!! And of course, best of luck sweety!!!!! Woo HOO!! Happy Harvesting!

April said...

S -

Wear socks. It's often unbelievably cold at least in my clinic.

Thinking of you and sending you all sorts of love across the pond.

Kim said...

I have nothing useful to say so I'll just suggest you go for a Punky Brewster look with those socks and make sure the drug induced comments are worth it.

Georgia said...

I'm sending good vibes to you, your ova, and, hell, your cooter, all the way from sunny Tucson, Arizona. I hope there are lots of good'uns. And if you do proposition the doc, here's hoping that you're exceedingly witty.


Georgia said...

ps I too go from calm to panic attack in nothing flat...

amyesq said...

Good luck! I hope you and your lovely socks make it through with your typical aplomb!

DD said...

Oh darn it, too bad you didn't ask about the sock situation earlier 'cause I would have advised you to get some of these:

Then you would have had an excuse not to do anything about the random hair(s).

And I agree, you shouldn't drink anything after midnite. Anesthesia and sustance don't mix so well.

Suz said...

Good luck and yes on the socks!

Mary Scarlet said...

Me too, no drinking or eating 12 hours before due to the druuuuugs. I'm sorry about The Dude, geez how awful, the poor thing. I wore my cutest argyle socks to retrieval only to have them make me put those flabby green grippy terrycloth ones on over.

Good luck Pru! And congratulations for getting to this point what a huge achievement it is already.

thalia said...

They wouldn't let me wear my socks, I hope you got to keep yours on. I had to wear nasty green slipper things. And oh, the fetching hospital gown.

I'm thinking of you this morning, Pru. I'm less than a mile away from your clinic, and sending good vibes in that general direction to try and head off any wierdo comments in the recovery room (although I'd like to hear the nurses reaction to that comment).

Hoping the Dude continues to feel well and you have an easy retrieval.

pixi said...

Well, I'm guessing the procedure is a done deal at this point. Hope everything went well and that you're resting comfortably now.

Lindy said...

Hoping everything went well for you, Pru. That they got loads of eggs and that you're home resting comfortably now.

"And all you motherfuckers can just step the fuck away from my cooter. Bitches."

Right on, sister!

Julie said...

Definately socks (from what I'm told). I hope the retrieval goes smoothly :)

Molly said...

Is it bad that I'm just laughing at that story of your mom and your poor brother?

So, you're definitely out of the stirrups and hopefully on your way home now. How'd it go?! You must update IMMEJITLY.

Jenn said...

I fear I may be too late to give advice, but the appropriate attire would include toe socks. I did a whole post about it for IUIs, but I'm pretty sure the same attire is appropriate for IVF.

Vacant Uterus said...

Jenn got here before me and said what I was going to say...toe socks all the way. But then again, if you think there's a possibility that you might want to seduce WHYBAML when under the influence then I'd definitely go for black, lace-top sheer thigh-highs. No need for crotchless panties...you'll already be in position!

Very, very good luck to you!

T said...

I know I'm too late - but yes socks, no on drinking after 12 and no on the makeup (in the states anyway).

Good luck - can't wait to hear about the bumper crop!

(so what did your brother do when your mom picked up the phone?)

fisher queen said...

How about a Hallmark moment instead of science fiction?

'Best wishes on your egg retrieval'
signed, FQ