11/29/2005

The waiting game

Pardon me for doing what is the blog equivalent of twiddling my thumbs. While I am waiting for the dreaded two week wait to end, I'm finding myself lacking anything of interest to say.

I have been thinking about what my options are at the end of this, whether the result is positive or negative. If it is positive, will I continue to blog? I think I have decided that I would, because I cannot fathom not being in constant contact with all of you wonderful people. Infertility has been such a large part of my life in the past three years, and now that has enveloped the blogging community to the point that I would feel as if I'm losing friends, not random people scattered over the globe that happen to read what I write. Granted, I could just hang around and comment, but it wouldn't afford me the same level of interaction that I possess now.

Months ago, upon starting IUI 2, I had the stupidly naive thought that I could get pregnant on that cycle. My blog had just started and I thought how ridiculous it would be to start this thing and magically end up pregnant right after I committed fingers to keyboard. I felt like if that happened, that I wanted to spend months giving my back story, proving to people that I had struggled before the pregnancy came about.

I still feel I would need that validation if I got pregnant during this cycle. I know a lot of bloggers who are not yet pregnant cease reading the blogs of the newly pregnant. Though I understand the raw emotion behind such a decision, I don't like thinking about all the people I would lose if I were one of the new pregnants. There are times that perhaps I don't read a pregnant blogger as faithfully, but some of them are as much of my blogging life as writing my own blog is.

I completely support whatever decisions individuals make on this subject. Knowing the immense pain that we all go through on a near-daily basis leads me to be acutely aware that people need to do what is best for them. I guess the only resolution is for everyone to get pregnant, so we'll have to work on that. All of us will have to just relax, unclench our genitals and hold our fertility icons tightly.

I'm not rambling about any of this because I think I am, or will be pregnant. Pregnancy is alien to me, to the point that it seems like something that doesn't even happen to my species, let alone myself. I expect to be greeted with a streak of violent red in my underwear about a week and two days from now, and I won't be surprised when that occurs. However, I thought the best time to write a post like this was without my mind being clouded with the knowledge of being pregnant.

The moral of this story is that if the IVF worked and Bertrand or his cohort implanted, please don't all leave at once. Don't read my blog perhaps, but at least email me. Otherwise, I'll be like the drunken ex-girlfriend throwing myself in front of you shouting, "Why don't you love me?", with tears running down my mascara-stained face. I'll totally do it.

22 comments:

elle said...

First off, I am hoping like a house on fire this works for you. Second, I agree that it all has to be what works for you re: blogging. While I still have anxiety, etc. abt the pg, it just didn't feel as critical for me to blog as the IF did. And don't worry, I won't run away when you announce your good news!

statia said...

When I started surfing for infertility bloggers, I was at an all time low. I felt exactly like you do. And magically, the moment I started blogging incognito as an infertile myself, I ended up finding out I was pregnant the very next day. I seriously thought people would just find my blog, immediately hate me for being a whiner, and then leave. But I know the hardships and honestly, even hearing of infertile bloggers getting pregnant is upsetting on a small scale. Not because I don't think they deserve it, but becauase I'm still just really pissed off at my own situation. I hate that. But either way, if you're pregnant, I'll read you. I might demand to see pictures of the growing rack. I think it's a fair trade after all.

Vacant Uterus said...

Pru, I felt the exact same way when I started Clomid about a month after beginning my blog. How crazy those thoughts seem to me now!

I'm hoping this works for you, and of course I'll continue to read. But as for why I don't love you anymore: I think we should just be friends. Now go fix your makeup, you look like a tramp.

Alexa said...

Please. Like I'm about to let some Johnny-come-lately embryo come between me and my Innard Twin!
I am starting to think EVERYONE worries when they start their blog that they will end up pregnant right away and no one will like them anymore--I know I felt the same way. I can't decide whether that is really funny or really sad.
I for one, adore you and your blog, and hope that you are pregnant right this very instant.

tania said...

Hi - I've been away from blogland for awhile (my thoughts have been consumed by faucets and closet systems) so I'm just now checking in on you. Glad to hear everything went as well as can be expected. Surprised to hear about suppositories up the butt and that you remember anything from your procedure. very interesting.

I hear you about the whole survivor's guilt of IF. I feel like I'm a whiny wuss for feeling badly for myself when I got pregnant on my first IVF.

I don't think many people will desert you. You're too funny to just up and leave. And nobody wants to see you with the quivering bottom lip and those black lines running down your face.

pixi said...

I hope you are pregnant. And if you are, I hope you'll continue to blog. You'll still have a lot to process, esp. in the early stages. And it's just nice to stay connected. In anycase, as long as you're writing, I'll be reading.

Lisa said...

I won't be going anywhere, no matter what your news is (but I'm hoping with all I've got that it's going to be good news).

Lori said...

Ha! I had the very same very foolish thoughts. I even fretted about having to cancel my RE appointment because it happens to have fallen on the day my period is due. Silly girl!
I truly hope this works for you. Having just found your blog, I'd be bummed if you cut us lose and stopped telling your story.

Kath said...

Woo-hoo! Just checking in after a miserably long absence. Great news, Pru. I'm so hoping this 2ww brings you the best of news. And please keep blogging! I'll be here (except when I'm in a work avalanche / kitchen renovation project, but how often does that happen?).

Molly said...

Unclench. Ha!

Yeah, I remember last December when I waxes all poetic about how we were going to start trying to conceive that how it was likely that I'd get pregnant quickly and how was I going to tell you all when that happened? and don't leave me please, etc. A year later . . .

Oh, and it's not you, it's me. Now, to quote Flicka, "Go fix your makeup, you look like a tramp."

Heh.

Thalia said...

Oh goodness I have so been that awful ex-girlfriend with the mascara. Ugh. Bad memories.

I've had those little fantasies too about what happens if I get pregnant and ppl stop reading my blog. But I guess I don't have to worry about that just yet! I'll still read you either way. I couldn't miss the Pru snark.

Em said...

I will still read! My blog traffic has gone down loads and I suffer from comparing myself to others.

If anything, I think you will get more readers.

I thought I would get preggers on the clomid. Oh the humour of the universe when I got pregnant unmedicated between treatments. I hate to say it but I was way more 'relaxed' when I got pregnnat and had started to focus on other things. Damn...I hate those fertility urban legends!

April said...

You know we're still going to be here.

But do what is right for you. More than anything else, that is what is important.


Hoping the best for you, always.

mm said...

You think I'm going to stop reading just because you get knocked up!? You're going to have try a lot harder than that to get rid of MOI. I've got fingers, toes, and even my DNA crossed (ooops, that's not good) that this works. But I'll stick around no matter what.

Mary Scarlet said...

I'm definitely in the "want to see how the story turns out" camp, especially with someone as delicious as you. So here's hoping you keep blogging after positive. Although you will be forgiven if your brain leaks out as pregnancy hormones begin and you can only muster a "beeble-beeble-beeble" for the blog. 2WW is the pits.

MC said...

I will still read your blog. Your writing makes me laugh.
I'm hoping you will have good news to share.

Millie said...

I hope you'll try to get rid of me this easily but just know, I'm not going anywhere.

Lut C. said...

Crossing fingers here too.

I usually keep on reading the newly PG blogs. Once the baby is home safe and sound, I must confess that I don't have the heart to continue reading for very long. Maybe someday.

Nico said...

I hope you still keep writing too. I'm sad that some of the people I used to read have stopped blogging nearly as regularly now that they're pregnant. I know it's different - I bet they feel wierd about complaining about pregnancy things when they know so many of us would love to be there. But I miss them! So I don't want to add you to the pile of people I miss.

So I hope you ARE pregnant, and that you do keep us entertained with your snark.

And I'm looking forward to the rack too!

Ova Girl said...

That feeling that pregnancy seems like something that happens to other people, other species... that's exactly how I feel Pru. An alien concept.

I hope that you are pregnant Pru and then I hope that you continue to write as much or as little as you want to.

(And once you've fixed your makeup you might wanna blow your nose too...)

manuela said...

I'm BOOORED...

Wanna twiddle together??

Kath said...

I tried to leave a reassuring, distracting, twiddling-right-along-with-you comment yesterday but was thwarted by your word verification. I must have read and typed that word 18 times, but alas, it would not let me in. In frustration, I moved on to another site, and the same word kept me out! So then I figured the Internet was trying to tell me something, and toddled off to bed.

So: I was thinking of you, and I am thinking of you, and I hope this week passes quickly, with the best possible outcome.