12/04/2005

Diary of an obsessive panty checker

In the past couple of days I have been pushing my bladder to breaking point because I have been too fearful to see what lurks below. How is it that I have convinced myself that if I don't look, blood won't be there? Intellectually I am well aware that if I am bleeding, I am bleeding. There is no amount of looking-in-the-panties aversion that will make it go away. Every slight twinge or subtle cramp-like feeling is evaluated and ordained as the start of my period.

I was telling The Dude last night that it's the element of surprise that I can't handle. If it was just the matter of a negative or positive test on a certain day, I could deal with the outcome much better. The idea that at any moment this could all come crashing down on me is terrifying. My clinic doesn't want me to have a blood test until Friday, exactly two weeks post transfer. Pfft. I'm a well-travelled infertile people, there ain't no way I'm waiting to test until that point! Surely they are aware of our incessant need to test. Assuming my period does not arrive before Tuesday, I plan on practicing the ancient infertile art of peeing on a stick on that day. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to the god of canaries that there is no bleeding or spotting before that point.

On a much lighter and significantly less sanguine note, I eagerly look forward to hearing how the Midwestern gathering of infertiles knees up went yesterday. I'm hoping my Cheese Wife didn't drink too many mojitos and get her tits out, thus embarrassing herself, my Innard Twin, and a few other notable luminaries.

25 comments:

Lut C. said...

Denial is a river in Egypt.

Testing or no testing? You just do what you have to do.

DD said...

I can't imagine any RE on this planet thinking that any one of their patients is waiting until EXACTLY the 14th day to test. If someone out there has, they are a bigger person than I! Here's to hoping you get no bloody bloomers!

Mary Scarlet said...

Sha, as if, no testing. Who are they kidding? My RE not only vehemently warned me not to test, but even after a positive beta, they refused to tell me the numbers. I tell ya, some of these medical professionals have a real control thing going. Eagerly awaiting further news ... and hoping the panties stay unspotted.

cat said...

May the gods smile upon you and keep any spotting at bay.

Er... but I did wait because seeing the single line was too scary honestly than waiting and still holding onto hope. It was not a matter of will power but the need to live for just a few more days in the maybe state.

If you do test hope it's a big yummy double line you see.

Molly said...

Wait until TWO WEEKS past day three transfer?! Yeah. Uh huh.

I am so incredibly nervous for you. Yet so hopeful. We all talked about how hopeful we were for you last night, while sucking on pear drops. :)

The bash was a delight. I'll fill you in later.

Avonlea said...

Not only have I been an obsessive panty checker, I've even used tampons to avoid seeing something I might not want to when I might not want to.

I don't know what the 14 day testing is about - do they think it will calm us?

Pamplemousse said...

Keep hanging in there, Pru. I never made it to a 2ww in an IVF cycle but I am sure it is bloody hell (no pun intended!).

Lori said...

I don't think I could wait for my beta either. But then again, I might be the only 30 year old still peaking at Christmas presents...
Hope those panties stay nice and stark white, or whatever color you happen to be wearing.
Hoping you'll be seeing double on Tuesday!

statia said...

There's nothing worse than the wait.

I'm curious about Molly's rack now, since you speak of it so much.

Good luck.

MC said...

Good luck I hope the spotting stays away too.

I always test before Beta and before my period, I become a little obsessive about it all.

Cass said...

Hmm. My beta is scheduled for Friday, too. (That's 16 days past retrieval, for the record.) I too have been cautioned umpteen times not to use HPTs, but really, who are they kidding? Crossing my fingers that you get to uncross your legs soon (in a good way, only, of course!)

Ova Girl said...

Fingers crossed Pru and legs too if that's what it takes... will be thinking of you on Tuesday...
hope we both have good news

xxx

Jenn said...

Boy do I hear you on this one. My beta is more than two weeks after my transfer and since I'm on the HCG boosters, I can't even really test.

mm said...

Ah yes, I remember my first IVF orientation... when the nurse told me that the clinic frowns upon cyclers using hpts as the hpts aren't totally reliable. Even then, when I was not the seasoned, cynical infertile that I am now (Hell, I had no idea that Bloglandia even existed at that point!), I wanted to laugh in her face. I'll be thinking of you this week! Good luck!!!

DrSpouse said...

I'm the opposite - can't stop running to the loo - I just want the bad news as quickly as possible!

But although I've not got to the stage of the infertility clinic, I did laugh at my GP when I had a faint positive and he asked if I'd wait a week to retest (turned out to be something between chemical pregnancy and very early miscarriage, however). I don't know what world they are living in...

Lynnette said...

14 dpt?! Yikes! I think I'd have to go to Planned Parenthood or something to squeeze in an extra beta. Fingers still crossed...

zhl said...

I've been known to cut back on drinking fluids of any type during the 2ww just avoid the panty checking.

Wishing you good luck tomorrow!

Alexa said...

Just madly refreshing and wishing you well. I am so goddamned nervous you would think I was the one waiting to test.
Your Cheese Wife was admirably restrained with regard to her cleavage--she wore a turtleneck, presumably so she would be less tempted to flash us. We did spend a lot of time being hopeful for you on Saturday. And I think I have engendered in Molly a voracious need for my beloved pear drops, so probably she will be clamouring for you to send her some...make her show you her rack first.

April said...

Thinking of you...

Nico said...

Crossing everything and hoping that you see that second line when you break down and HPT.

Manuela said...

Tuesday??? Oh GOODY! That means tomorrow! Oh, I'll be checking your page CONSTANTLY so do let us know as soon as humanly possible.

tinainnc said...

Oh sweetie, gee, ive been there and I know exactly how you feel. I really hope those embryos stick.
your friend in blogging,
tina
www.infertilityblues.blogspot.com

joie said...

It may already be Tuesday on your side of the world...I'm keeping everything crossed for you!!

Vacant Uterus said...

Pru, this is why I admire you. I'd be reaching over to grab the doctor's throat in my hands and squeeze until he agreed to beta me any time, anywhere.

Good luck...may your panties be always bloodless (well, at least for the next nine months, anyway.)

pixi said...

Thinking of you today & praying that you have some good news to share soon.