12/10/2005

Panic

IVF messageboards are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad news. I have just spent some time on some and I am now convinced that I have a chemical pregnancy, blighted ovum, or otherwise something else very negative indeed.

I had some blood taken yesterday which will hopefully yield a beta result if one is even noted to be passed on to me. Of course, the results are not expected to be available until Wednesday at the very earliest. Fanfuckingtastic. I know betas don't necessarily rule out the things that can go wrong prior to the first ultrasound, but I just wanted brief respite from constant worry. If I get to the point of ultrasound, it will not be until at least the first week of January as I am away on holiday until then. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting.

I'll admit it, I'm jealous too. Everyone else always gets lovely betas just after a few positive HPTs, so they know where they stand. I'm in a miserable state of limbo at the moment and I hate it. That happiness was as fleeting as I predicted it would be. Throughout four years of infertility I struggled with not being "normal", and to a certain extent I thought, well, hoped that would change if I got pregnant. It doesn't take long to realise that things will never be normal. I do not have the luxury of a positive pregnancy test or four materialising into a healthy baby nine months later without worry and obsession ruling the duration of that time.

Can't I just go to sleep for a few weeks and wake up right before my ultrasound? :::sigh:::

27 comments:

susie said...

I'm sorry, Pru. The lack of a beta has to be so frustrating, especially considering the significance with which the IF community regards them. I am really hoping for everything to go well for you, beta or not, and for that ultrasound to show great things.

And I'm sorry to say that I still don't feel normal, even at 31 weeks.

Hang in there.

Jenn said...

Time to start the mantra...NBHHY (nothing bad has happened yet).

NBHHY, NBHHY, NBHHY

Lori said...

I agree with Jenn - it's time to start the NBHHY mantra.
I hope you're able to get results from yesterday's blood draw as soon as possible so you can have some of that much deserved respite from worry.
Now repeat after me - NBHHY, NBHHY, NBHHY

fisher queen said...

NBHHY NBHHY NBHHY.

Alexa said...

I'm so sorry, Pru. I hate that you have to go through all of this worry--shouldn't the fact that it took you a bazillion years to get here give you some sort of panic-pass?

NBHHY.

statia said...

I'm dropping the "yet" off the end of that. NBHH.

Also, I don't think even "normal" people ever stop worrying.

Pregnancy is just the start of the worrying for the next 18 years of your life, at least.

But I completely understand. You're standing on a rug right now, just waiting for someone to come and pull it out from under you. The betas provide comfort or an answer. It's not fair that you have to wait to get yours. After all this time.

I've had a good feeling for you from the beginning. It's not stopping now.

wessel said...

Well . . . if you were like me, you'd go to the drugstore and buy up a variety of HPTs, making sure to note their various sensitivities in terms of HCG levels detectable. Then start with the most sensitive, and work your way up to the least sensitive. Pee, pee, pee as if your life depended on it! If the HPTs that don't pick up until a level of 100 or greater turns up bright pink, then you know that you are still in the game.

It's an inexact science, but it has gotten me through a few holiday periods.

It's a shame that your clinic will not run these for women, knowing how important they are to us.

Good luck!

Lut C. said...

That's an original approach Wessel.

I don't know if there is fierce competition on the HPT market in the UK, but where I live there isn't.
There are three or four brands, two very expensive ones (15 to 20 euro a piece) and one less expensive brand (6 euro a piece). The HPT from this last brand is just a cardboard dipstick and a plastic cup. Mrs Prufrock described this test in her previous post.

At those prices, stores keep the tests behind the counter generally, and comparing sensitivity is a bit difficult. But if I ever get really desperate, that won't stop me. ;-)

Jan said...

Oh, it's horrible isn't it!! I can't believe you're having such trouble getting a beta (or at least one they'll actually tell you the results from!!). I'm in the UK too - in Scotland - and my local early pregnancy unit will do a beta and give you the results three hours later, then do the same again after 48 hours to look for the doubling. And they'll do this if you walk in off the street and tell them you've had a positive pee stick! I know there are places in London that do the same (my sister used to work in one) - is there any point in searching out an early pg unit? Or even saying hang the expense and heading for one of the clinics round Harley Street that would do it for a reasonable fee. Apologies if this comes across as assvice - it just seems so tough to have gone through all that you have, finally see a glimmer of light and not be able to get the reassurance you deserve. Sending you lots of luck and hoping for better news next week.

pixi said...

I have a tendency to read about worst case scenarios myself. That's because I feel that if I anticipate something, it won't happen. Still, it makes it hard not to obsess in the meantime.

I wish there were a way for you to get daily feeback/information. What with the precious thing that you've got going there, the wondering would have to drive you a bit batty.

Sorry it's so tough right now. If only there were a way to speed this up for you, if only.

zhl said...

How frustrating. I'm with the others: NBHH. I hope you can get some answers soon. The wait must be excruciating. And stop reading the boards!

fisher queen said...

Oh that's so right to drop the Y.

NBHH NBHH NBHH

Mary Scarlet said...

Pru, I'm sorry that your definitive test results are being delayed. That completely stinks. I'm not surprised that you are feeling panicky after a visit to the boards; they do tend to accentuate the bad cases. The nature of the beast. That and the forced march of typing a cheery personal to every one in your cycling group with every message made me give them up. It's a weird balance: the la-la-la-la-I'm-not-listening-must-be-cheerful-baby-dust-baby-dust of the cycle buddy boards vs. the sometimes frightening posts on the "Stressful Situations" and "2WW" boards, etc.. I hope the medical gods will be merciful to you and send you your beta results early this week...and I agree with Wessel's advice about the continual and strategic home testing.

Molly said...

I forbid you to entitle a post "Panic" unless you are gushing gallons of blood from your uterus, ok? You freaked me the fuck out.

Sleeping through the holidays. That would be kind of nice, wouldn't it? You wake up nice and refreshed, and find that people have given you gifts while you sleep! Excellent!

Hang in there, girl.

Ova Girl said...

Pru I'm sorry, that's excruciating. I hope you don't have to wait long for those results.

Cass said...

Oh crap, sweetie. This has got to be insanely hard. I'm sticking with the Dude's earlier statistical workup that showed that four positive tests was not a fluke. I know it's not as good as a beta, but it's something.

Is there any way they can do an early ultrasound before you leave town to confirm it's intrauterine (even if it's too early for much other info)? Otherwise, um, there are some doctor's offices in DC, right? Maybe we should just have our meetup there. (Seriously, we could probably find a clinic or doctor's office that would do them - I was supposed to have one when we're going to be out of town, too.)

MC said...

Ripped off, you deserve a Beta. I hope things are sorted for you soon.

DrSpouse said...

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you (Not my legs, for obvious reasons...)

Katie

April said...

Thinking of you.

T said...

"but I just wanted brief respite from constant worry" - sorry, but hahahahaahaa. Oh honey, if you're legs up and carefree after the ultrasound I'm going to fly over and give you a big smooch. Things get better, but the worry never goes away...

I say look for that early pg unit, that sounds good (and of course, boards are baaaaaaad).

amyesq said...

Two more whole days until the results. What a PIA. So, what brand of HPTs are you using? Let me know so I can buy some stock in the company. I have a feeling it will experience a surge in sales in the Southern UK markets in the next couple days.

elle said...

*sigh* I can totally relate. YOu know why? You can't believe this wonderful thing won't be stolen from you. I was sure I had a blighted ovum, etopic, etc. For no reason, just cuz. I suggest you STOP all boards and online research unless there is a specific symptom you need to look up. They create more aggravation than reassurance, believe me. I am 17 wks and still can't believe NBHHY, but I keep waiting for it...it's insane. I think insane amounts of worry are just another pregnancy symptom. And still, I have heard of lots of women who had great betas and still bad pgs. SO, it really is rather meaningless at the end of the day. Routing for you!

Em said...

Konw how you feel. I had a beta but as I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was a hearbeat I had no more.(I had to lie that I was having abdo pais to get that).It is a very difficult time but once you've had an ultrasound you'll feel much better.
It does seem like we don't get that much done in UK but I am now grateful I wasn't having loads of betas etc. because I would have just been lurching from fear to fear to fear. I am always reactionary and this experience has taught me to really let go because we have NO control! My doctor said the embryo either takes or it doesn't and nothing you can do will change that.

Manuela said...

GAH! Stay AWAY from those IVF boards... they scared the utter crap out of me the one and only time I ventured there... never been back.

Although I do KNOW it won't make you feel any better... try to think of the MILLIONS of ignorant fertiles out there who just go from pee stick to ultrasound and live baby without a single DBT!

Ahhh... ignorance... how I long once again for that blissful state.

Vacant Uterus said...

*puts up her bullhorn* Step away from the IVF boards. I repeat, step away from the IVF boards. I will not hesitate to tazer you, just like on Cops.

Now that we've got that all settled....bleah! No beta? I can't imagine. I urge you to eat lots of chocolate and chocolate flavored things while you wait. Trust me, it makes things better.

DD said...

Even my RE told me to NOT read the boards. Hypocondria abound!

You're in my thoughts.

tania said...

I've always wondered how blood work can take so long to process when you know damn well they just stick it into a machine somewhere and read the results off of a computer. (at least that's what I think they do, but I'm not a flobotomomist nor do I even know how to spell the word.)

And as far as feeling normal goes, you can expect scattered times of normalcy interspersed with moments of panic where you're afraid that if you push too hard when you're going to the bathroom, it will all come out. I had one of those moments today and I'm at 25 weeks.

Hang in there. Oh. And the break down at work at this point in time is COMPLETELY understandable.