Window into my world

This expression is forever immortalised in the relationship between my brother and me. My Aunt, card-carrying, flag-waving member of the Brain Trust, always begs him for a "window into his world" when she speaks to him on the phone. I suppose she feels like there needs to be some conversational equity as she opens windows, nay, large french doors into her world all the time - telling my brother about the spontaneous sex she had with her socially inept, oddball boyfriend (or as she put it, "I can tell you, he was most appreciative"), musing at length on her favourite brand of enema, and most harmlessly, the latest bargains scored at Salvation Army.

My window is not so scandalous nor repellent. It may, perhaps, be just as uninvited, but this is a cross you will have to bear.

I had a moment of epiphany the other night in which I was preparing lunch for the next day, chicken hummus wraps. I was spreading sea salt and black pepper hummus on some garlic and coriander wraps, tearing up some fresh spinach, and listening to Folk Alley. I was blissfully in touch with my earth mother side, a facet of me that is always trying to peek out, but is often beaten down by the highly strung, consumerist working mother which dominates.

Now, this is a bit like invasion of the blog snatchers, but I'm going to tell you how to make these delicious wraps. I feel the need to share the wealth because these fuckers are culinary heaven. It's not a recipe as such, since you just adjust the quantities based on the number of people you're preparing them for. Sometimes I make four (2 for me, 2 for The Dude), but the past few times I've had to make 6-8 as various colleagues were salivating over the mere sight of them.

All you need is some cooked chicken, tortillas, fresh spinach (or other greens), dash of pepper, the hummus of your choice, and some chili oil. Spread the hummus on the wraps, add the spinach and chicken, and sprinkle on the pepper. The chili oil is best applied right before eating, and a little goes a long way. It makes a very good, healthy, and low-GI lunch. TRY IT.

Ahem. Leaving my Nigellaness aside, this window must include a glimpse of my insane child. As mentioned previously, P has an awareness of bodily functions and I encourage this. It is obvious that I would like her to deal with these situations in a polite way, hence the encouragement of "pardon". I dread her being one of those obnoxious kids who burp and fart and think it's absolutely hilarious. I have The Dude under strict instructions to not laugh when she farts, even if she says (and no doubt she does), "I fot". Now we have connected farting and the bum, so occasionally we are treated to "I fot fum bum", in case we were not aware of the origin of a fart. She often grabs her bum at the same time, to further illustrate this very scientific occurrence. The other day we were sitting on the sofa together and she farted. The little minx looked at me and said, "Mum did a fot." I can assure you, I did no such thing. Full of wind and deceptive, this toddler of mine.

She knows where she can find the bum of her Mama (regardless of its flatness), and the bum of her Dad. We were in the supermarket the other day and as I was pushing the trolley along she pulled up my shirt and shouted, "MUM'S BUM! MUM'S BUM!" I tried desperately to simultaneously pull down my top, push the trolley, and shush her, but she carried on for half an aisle, "MUM'S BUM! MUM'S BUM!" I despair that as I have taught her the word "vulva" (or, in P speak, "bulba"), this could lead to many an embarrassing social situation.

Poo and wee are of course an interest as well, with the highlight of a recent park visit the sight of a dog pooping. For the next day there was much babbling of "Doggie. Park. Pooping." My mum asked her what she saw in the park, and I think you know what she said. The memories of 45 solid minutes of playground equipment time, running down pigeons and offering them a toy car, or playing football with her Dad evaporated. It's all about poop.

Lest there be a body fluid or gross physical occurrence which hasn't received attention, P has recently discovered boogies, or as they refer to them here "bogies". I have no idea where she picked up (HA!) this word, but she now has verbal accompaniment to her near constant nose-picking. I couldn't get her out of her car seat today because her finger was so far up her nose that I couldn't get the strap from around her arm. She looked at me, furrowed her brow, and said thoughtfully, "Hmmm...bogies".

So there is my window, no doubt smeared with snot and saliva. Charming.


Anonymous said...

Ohhhh dear, laughing so hard I got ice-cream on the computer screen here. Oy. 'Hmmm...bogies' was the fatal line. Creasing up.

One of my many cousins, when aged about three, announced very loudly in mixed and extensive company: 'My mummy has a beard on her bottom.' I think they send toddlers to special training sessions on the exact right moment to make these observations for maximum inpact, embarrassment, and hysterical giggling.

Aunt Becky said...

Ben was convinced that my *ahem* privates were simultaneously "dirty" and "ouchie." I'll allow you to figure out what he was referring to.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm completely commenting on the wrong post, but that Brain Trust stuff cracked my shit up. I actually snorted iced tea out of my nose whilst reading.

Good stuff, MsP.

Brigindo said...

Thanks for sharing the wraps and the window. I love P's sense of humor--she seems a bit of a prankster.

Tash said...

I was totally all set to try one of them wrap thingies but by the end of the post I'm decidedly not so hungry.

It could be worse: watching the BBall tourny on TV in total silence, a kid missed a basket and clanged the rim and Bella said, "Damn." Huh. I'm awaiting the emergence of piss and shit in context.

elizasmom said...

Haha, both on the post and nutsinmay's comment. I too, snickered more than a little at the "Hmmmm, bogies" comment.

Eliza is currently obsessed with my bras. Every day, I have to tell her the story of the bras. "When you get to be a big person, your boobies get big, and then you need a bra so they won't bounce so much," I say, and she adds, "Mommy needs a BRA so her boobies won't FALL OFF!" What now? She also frequently brings up my boobs when my in-laws are around. They're always so pleased by this turn of conversation.

Jenn said...

We have the butt identification going on here too. NICK's HEINY! DADA'S HEINY! MAMA's HEINY! WEE-UM'S HEINY!

At least we're all accounted for i guess.

DD said...

You are missing out on a perfect opportunity to lay blame on any adult "fots".

We are quite juvenile here and every gas passage sets off a round of Mommy did it! Daddy did it! XBoy did it!

I should add that this is only funny at home. Trying to sneak one off in a department store? Not so much.

~Jess said...

When my sister was 2 we had to deal with her realization of burping. She, like P, would wait until the most inopportune time and then blame it on whichever parent she was with. Her burps were not delicate, but sounded like those of a beer drinking truck driver.

Here via NCLM

PiquantMolly said...

Wait a sec. You just used the term "my mum."

I'm going to have to take away that card-carrying American card you have now.

Heather said...

My boy, after a bath one night, reached behind himself with a look of mortification and announced to us that he "had a hole in his bottom!" and "why is it there?!" MY question is why did it take him three years to discover it in the first place?!

rockmama said...

If the Prawn ever learns to say, "I fot" I will personally pee myself.

The Prawn is just at the beginning of her awareness of bodily functions. Of course, Mr. DD thought it would be hilarious to teach her to yell "TOOT!" when she farts, which is just one of many bad habits (calling milk "beer" being the other big one) that we are going to have to break her of.

Thanks for the yummy recipe! That sounds awesome. :)

Anonymous said...

Well, they do say it is healthy for children to be comfortable with their body parts...

Anonymous said...

Has taken me two days to stop bloody LAUGHING! I thought nothing could top the previous 'I fot' post, but 'I fot fum bum?!' Fantastic. She kills me!

Rachel said...

I so very much needed this laugh today. We are also in the midst of bodily function identification. It's "faht" at our house, along with "snots" (thanks Dada), and I'm sure she would say "burp" if she wasn't laughing like a loon after each one.
And "Butt!" is becoming a favorite, along with "pee-pee" and "boobies!" It's super-funny when she points out "Dada boobies" so we encourage that.

It's heartening to realize that she knows "bar," "wine," and "cheers!" as well as the bodily functions.

Cass said...

Heh. MissM had a "fot" the other day while sitting on the potty and said, rather amazed, "oh! gas." So polite, that one.

I'll have to read back for the recipe when the snickers over "bogies" die out.