Mammalia

I'm pleased to hear so many of you were in the same place as me back in the 1990s. Other Sassy readers? Seriously? I didn't even know anyone else who read it when I was a teenager. I must have been the only cool kid in Bumblefuck, PA. Obviously.

Before I seamlessly glide into my topic today, I completely forgot a song which formed a vital centrepiece to my teenagers years - Mazzy Star, "Fade Into You". How could I let this slip my mind? Bless you and your lovely, smoky voice Hope Sandoval (btw, she is fortyfuckingtwo in a few weeks people. 42!)



Moving right along...When I wrote a post after returning from my trip home to Pennsylvania last summer, I failed to mention one of the oddest elements to my trip -The Ferret Stroker. I referenced the Brain Trust - stalwarts in my tales of bizarre family dynamics, talked at great length about meeting my Cheese Hand for the first time, but Ferret Stroker only entered into the story when Molly dropped a mention of him in the comments section. Inspired by Molly's post today about her nutty co-workers, I felt I had to share new developments in Ferret Strokerdom.

TFS hasn't warranted his own post until now. Sure, he cuts a strange figure, always found leaning against the side of his house, ferret in hand. If I remember correctly he is balding, but not the cool kind. He is one of those men who is nearly bald on top, but lives on an alternate planet where having that kind of baldness paired with a long, thin, greasy ponytail is fashionable. When we were visting, he always seemed to be wearing cut off denim shorts, and dare I say there was stonewashing on view. Stonewashing. TFS is married to a shrewish rake of a woman who shuns bras. She does not have the mammary bounty which I have been blessed with, but constant bralessness favours no woman, I'm sorry. It's ok when you're 12, not ok when one is in her 30s.

I heard rumblings from my brother that The Ferret Stroker was kicking up a fuss over the loudness of my Mom's dogs. In his defense, her dogs are noisy, and I'm not too keen on them myself. However, TFS's objections have reached rather controversial levels. It all started when he drove by the house and yelled, "Shut those fucking dogs up!" to my brother and his girlfriend who were standing outside at the time. When contfronted by my Mom later, TFS denied this outburst despite the fact that they live in a downtown area in which the road is about a foot from the sidewalk, and thankfully there aren't many men in that area who resemble The Ferret Stroker.

A couple of weeks ago my Mom noticed that all of the plants along their shared fence had died. In one day. At around the same time, she found white powder by her fish pond, and one of the fish died. Dog biscuits were left at her front and back gates, also covered with white powder. One of her dogs at half a biscuit before she could wrestle it out of his mouth, and he refused food for the next day.

My Mom, ever the feisty redhead, instantly drafted a letter to distribute throughout the neighbourhood outlining the actions of this anonymous aggressor. As she was reading it to me over the phone, I could hear shouting in the background. The Ferret Stroker was having a breakdown at a driver who dared drive past his house with bass blaring. Horrible, appalling racial epithets, the likes of which always make my skin crawl and sadden me that such ignorance is so boldly displayed. After a string of this vileness, he randomly yelled in the direction of my Mom's house, "Fucking dog-loving pussy bitch!", just for good measure.

I write posts every once in awhile mocking her, as we are two so very different people and the woman is straight up crazy, but no one says stuff like that to my cute, little lovable Mom. Not that it's ever acceptable to call anyone a "fucking dog-loving pussy bitch", but that seems particularly inappropriate when you are a grown man who spends most of your day smoothing a rodent.

I, at Molly's insistence over gmail chat, told my Mom that she could call the police as that sort of public outburst and usage of threatening language is beyond unacceptable. She did as commanded, though naturally the police can't actually do anything.

My Mom went to TFS's house the next day to try and discuss this matter logically, but only TFS's braless wife was home. Her excuse for his crazy ass behaviour? THE STROKER RAN OUT OF WEED. A man in his 30s can't restrain his racist and abusive outbursts because he has no marijuana. What can one say to this? He is certainly not going to be given Brain Trust status anytime soon with that attitude. Shame really, since all they are really missing is a man with a ferret fixation.