6/04/2008

Mammalia

I'm pleased to hear so many of you were in the same place as me back in the 1990s. Other Sassy readers? Seriously? I didn't even know anyone else who read it when I was a teenager. I must have been the only cool kid in Bumblefuck, PA. Obviously.

Before I seamlessly glide into my topic today, I completely forgot a song which formed a vital centrepiece to my teenagers years - Mazzy Star, "Fade Into You". How could I let this slip my mind? Bless you and your lovely, smoky voice Hope Sandoval (btw, she is fortyfuckingtwo in a few weeks people. 42!)



Moving right along...When I wrote a post after returning from my trip home to Pennsylvania last summer, I failed to mention one of the oddest elements to my trip -The Ferret Stroker. I referenced the Brain Trust - stalwarts in my tales of bizarre family dynamics, talked at great length about meeting my Cheese Hand for the first time, but Ferret Stroker only entered into the story when Molly dropped a mention of him in the comments section. Inspired by Molly's post today about her nutty co-workers, I felt I had to share new developments in Ferret Strokerdom.

TFS hasn't warranted his own post until now. Sure, he cuts a strange figure, always found leaning against the side of his house, ferret in hand. If I remember correctly he is balding, but not the cool kind. He is one of those men who is nearly bald on top, but lives on an alternate planet where having that kind of baldness paired with a long, thin, greasy ponytail is fashionable. When we were visting, he always seemed to be wearing cut off denim shorts, and dare I say there was stonewashing on view. Stonewashing. TFS is married to a shrewish rake of a woman who shuns bras. She does not have the mammary bounty which I have been blessed with, but constant bralessness favours no woman, I'm sorry. It's ok when you're 12, not ok when one is in her 30s.

I heard rumblings from my brother that The Ferret Stroker was kicking up a fuss over the loudness of my Mom's dogs. In his defense, her dogs are noisy, and I'm not too keen on them myself. However, TFS's objections have reached rather controversial levels. It all started when he drove by the house and yelled, "Shut those fucking dogs up!" to my brother and his girlfriend who were standing outside at the time. When contfronted by my Mom later, TFS denied this outburst despite the fact that they live in a downtown area in which the road is about a foot from the sidewalk, and thankfully there aren't many men in that area who resemble The Ferret Stroker.

A couple of weeks ago my Mom noticed that all of the plants along their shared fence had died. In one day. At around the same time, she found white powder by her fish pond, and one of the fish died. Dog biscuits were left at her front and back gates, also covered with white powder. One of her dogs at half a biscuit before she could wrestle it out of his mouth, and he refused food for the next day.

My Mom, ever the feisty redhead, instantly drafted a letter to distribute throughout the neighbourhood outlining the actions of this anonymous aggressor. As she was reading it to me over the phone, I could hear shouting in the background. The Ferret Stroker was having a breakdown at a driver who dared drive past his house with bass blaring. Horrible, appalling racial epithets, the likes of which always make my skin crawl and sadden me that such ignorance is so boldly displayed. After a string of this vileness, he randomly yelled in the direction of my Mom's house, "Fucking dog-loving pussy bitch!", just for good measure.

I write posts every once in awhile mocking her, as we are two so very different people and the woman is straight up crazy, but no one says stuff like that to my cute, little lovable Mom. Not that it's ever acceptable to call anyone a "fucking dog-loving pussy bitch", but that seems particularly inappropriate when you are a grown man who spends most of your day smoothing a rodent.

I, at Molly's insistence over gmail chat, told my Mom that she could call the police as that sort of public outburst and usage of threatening language is beyond unacceptable. She did as commanded, though naturally the police can't actually do anything.

My Mom went to TFS's house the next day to try and discuss this matter logically, but only TFS's braless wife was home. Her excuse for his crazy ass behaviour? THE STROKER RAN OUT OF WEED. A man in his 30s can't restrain his racist and abusive outbursts because he has no marijuana. What can one say to this? He is certainly not going to be given Brain Trust status anytime soon with that attitude. Shame really, since all they are really missing is a man with a ferret fixation.

28 comments:

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Dear God, I can't handle laughing so much at this time o'night! Too, too funny! I'm going to have soooo much fun in your archives, I can see.
Piquant Molly's blog is intriguingly password protected though - no can do! If you're reading Molly, would love to peek! topofdhill at tiscali dot co dot uk.

Aunt Becky said...

I hope that you're pleased that I PEED MY PANTS, PRU.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Ermmm... just to clarify, was referring solely to the Brain Trust, just in case you think that I think that pet poisoning is funny. Coz, not so much. How cowardly.

Tash said...

Yikes. I'd make fun of PA, but hey, I live here now.

Sizzle said...

Mazzy Star!

Awesomeness.

Major Bedhead said...

Mmmm, I love that song and what the fuck, exactly, is wrong with turning fortyfuckingtwo???? Huh? HUH?? Rassnfrassnswhippersnapper.


What is it with people who smoke copious amounts of pot turning into absolute raving lunatics? TFS sounds like a wonderful human being. Just wonderful. Oy.

Magpie said...

Wow. A ferret stroker. Who knew that there were such beings.

And yeah, what's the matter with 42? Hell, I'm past that.

anita said...

It's stories like this that make me so greatful I love in the country with gophers and geese for neighbours!

Did your mom save the white powder biscuit by any chance? If she did she should give that to the police and see if there's anything they can do.

Anita said...

That would be live in the country

Keyboard dyslexia strikes again! Pass the wine will ya?

Kristi said...

I loved Mazzy Star. Loved.Her.So.
Now stop looking at my CD collection, please. I need to post about music on my blog soon.

TFS=batshit crazy.

Brigindo said...

TFS sounds like he's bordering on scary neighbor status. I'm thinking trying to poison the dogs might be Step 1.

ms.bri said...

Oh dear heavens. How I loved Mazzy Star and Fade Into You. Seriously. A lot.

And Sassy was the best thing ever. I was just thinking of it today because Beck enjoys REM's Shiny Happy People and we were watching the video on YouTube. Did you know the chick in the black and white flowered dress in the front row is Jane Pratt, Sassy editor? At least that's what I remember.

He also likes REM's Furry Happy Monsters. Highly recommended. I may add it to my blog post.

orodemniades said...

Maybe TFS - brilliant nick btw - is a nevernude?

Flicka said...

Woooowww. Just...I have no words.

Kim said...

Ooooh Love that song too. Crazy story! NCLM

Quietgirl said...

Also was a Mazzy fan. I want to say I saw her play back in the day, but I could just be making up a memory I wanted to have. I think she might have opened for Radiohead back in like, gulp, '94 . Good times, long long ago :)

Meg said...

If you were one of my students i would say "Fantastic characterisation, Pru." Fun-ny.

(I still regularly listen to "Among my Swan"... I wanted to be Hope Sandoval so badly, I wanted a tambourine. I didn't watch the clip right now, but i remember the boots she wears clearly.)

PiquantMolly said...

Nevernude, ha! Nicely done, Oro.

Yeah, he's seriously a piece of work, that fella.

To those interested in a peek at my blog, feel free to email me at piquantmolly at gmail dot com.

electriclady said...

HA! Though TFS is a little scary sounding, to be honest.

I didn't comment on the previous post but I, too, was a devoted Sassy reader. Except that I'm a million years older than you so Sassy was my junior and senior years of high school and early college years read. I actually was friends with a Sassiest Girl in America winner. Aren't you jealous?

DD said...

What the hell is a Nevernude?

Is "ferret" a nickname for something or is it really a ferret he strokes? CREE-PEE!

Rachel said...

I'm thinking there's a movie to be made out of the Brain Trust Aspiring.

And can I say how much I love the fact that so many of us were Sassy readers and we're all finding each other now? We were the back-of-the-classroom, chipped black nail polish, notebook scrawlers and now here we all are with blogs.

Interesting.

wheelsonthebus said...

Trying to tease out the strands of that insult. I get "dog-loving" and "bitch," but "pussy" makes no sense, given that most pussies and most dogs are sworn enemies. And, is the cat in this equation fucking the dog?

orodemniades said...

DD, hie thee to the video store and rent Arrested Development.

Funniest sitcome EVER.

And, possibly, funniest MOVIE ever. Yes! I saw it IMDB!!

OvaGirl said...

Sweet mother of God. I'm just...speechless Pru. I had no idea such people exist outside of certain wacky fims...

Dreams Come True said...

OMGoodness!! I guess you can't pick your neighbor's huh? I sincerely hope that someone catches him in the act of trying to either poison plants or animals... the man needs to be in jail.

And, I'm sorry... he doesn't have any weed! Wow.. now THERE'S an excuse for the ages!

Your poor mom!

*nclm*

kate said...

OH! Mazzy Star! Another one for the record books (those books being records of songs that take me back to being a younger person than I am now...).

Anyhow, WTF? TFS is clearly a sociopath. Anyone with the Phil Collins/"my hair was in a ponytail and just slid backward to the nape of my neck, leaving an enormous bald head in it's wake" hairstyle is obviously insane.

momofonefornow said...

that guy sounds like a real ass.

Heather Johnson said...

dropping by for NaComLeavMo - hi!

Other than the obviously disturbing aspects of this story, it is absolutely hysterical! I'll be dropping by again to hear your commentary I'm sure. :)