I feel like I shouldn't even put this in words here, but I suppose I can take it down at some stage if I feel I've said too much.
Do any of you ever wonder if you've made the right decision in choosing to be with your spouse or partner? Admittedly, it is largely post-fight that this thought pops into my head, but that has to do with the fact that so many of our arguments centre around, or are exacerbated by The Dude's inflexibility, stubbornness, and my fear of his anger.
When referring to his anger, I don't mean that he lashes out and abuses me in any way. He is very short-tempered and is inclined to get upset very quickly, and stay that way for an age. I find that in our relationship I tiptoe around certain issues such as money and family, so as not to upset him. I don't know why I do this, aside from the desire for an easy life. I'm not a feeble woman who yearns to please her man at all times, but it is so draining to deal with the repercussions of a fight. I have so little energy to do much beyond what is expected of me day to day, I can't be asked to assuage the rage of the hypersensitive and melodramatic amongst us.
The Dude is very financially responsible. He monitors our bank accounts with eagle-eyed awareness, and makes most of the money-related decisions. This happens for two reasons: he's left-brained, type A, and deals with numbers for a living, and I am very right-brained, type B, and allergic to anything resembling a digit. We are comfortable, both of us are on good salaries, and for the most part we agree on how we like to spend our money.
I feel as if I need to run most money-spending plans by him. I think this is because of his tendency to fly off the handle too easily, hence I avoid anything which may lead to that happening. He seems to think I do this because I know he has a better idea of bank balances than I do. This has been discussed ad nauseum, but we forever remain deadlocked. He thinks it's odd that I go through such efforts to keep him from getting upset, as he apparently views himself as some sort of laid-back, wherever-the-wind-may-take-me kind of guy, which is beyond hilarious to me. I am defeated by his intractibility, a barrier to ever admitting that he may be wrong. Please spare me any trite, "Well, that's men for you!" comments. I feel so beyond that right now.
In happy times, we joke about his short fuse and my tiptoe-ing. When it's exhibited, I wonder how I will endure this for a lifetime. Presumably money is always going to be the tender which makes the world go round, and my Mom, the other direct path to marital disagreements, will hopefully be with us for awhile, so I have a long time in which I will have to feel the way I do now. I do wonder sometimes how wise it was to marry someone so completely opposite to myself. My stomach hurts writing that, and the stark reality of that statement is something I don't like to dwell on.
Sorry to resort to the melodrama that occasionally plagues this blog. I can't get in the car and just drive for a couple of hours like I used to, so I'm afraid you are my replacement. My apologies.