2/09/2006

There is no such thing as drive-by immunity

It has been awhile since I have been tested. A few months ago I was besieged with numerous drive-by pregnancy announcements, culminating in a post entitled, "Everyone is pregnant but you". At the time, it seemed as if every single day of my existence was peppered with news of some person much older than me getting pregnant naturally, or details of random single women getting knocked up accidentally. I was approaching IVF time and all of the pregnancy talk being stuffed in my face led me to believe that the universe was preparing to bend me over the table and show me how cruel fate could really be.

Soon after the first batch of positive pregnancy tests, my office was visited by the woman mentioned here. Not content to have lapped me once, said ex co-worker decided to do it twice. Accustomed to the upset her visits usually caused me, it felt blissful to have this secret held inside, even if it was only in my head that I was saying, "Haha! I am now impervious to your abundant fertility bitch! Go on, get pregnant right after this one is born, I dare you." I was by no means convinced that a series of pregnancy tests with result lines of varying darkness would turn into a kid, but I relished the opportunity to feel almost even with this woman for once. I know she would be surprised that I'd turned the situation into a fertility competition, and I'm well aware that this imaginary victory I had concocted in my head meant nothing to anyone aside from me. For once, I felt virtually untouchable to the drive-by.

However, there is always a "but". A couple of days ago I emailed some close friends to tell them of Enid, and after the congratulatory emails came a story of utmost hilarity. It seems that one friend's sister-in-law, who is the wrong side of 40, is pregnant. Ha! Apparently it happened at the friend's house on New Year's Eve and was a complete and utter surprise! Ha ha! The best part is, I was there that night. No, not during conception (not that I'm aware of anyway), but at the party held earlier. Me, avoiding all the food but the salted crisps, waiting to go home so I could just go to bed. I was undoubtedly thinking about Enid, wondering if I was bleeding yet or ready to experience gut-wrenching cramps. Me, never a moment's thought away from how a pregnancy that was so difficult to achieve could go horribly wrong. Yet, it appears there are people in the world that are 12-15 years older than me that have a drunken grope 'n' poke on New Year's Eve and still end up with the baby. Not only that, but I'm willing to bet she's not always checking the toilet paper.

I can't quite figure out why this announcement is bothering me. I know it shouldn't, given that I'm not currently in the position to be jealous of pregnant women, but I still am. How is it that I could be resentful of women who got pregnant naturally when I couldn't, and yet I still am despite being pregnant myself? A better person would acknowledge that hey, pregnancy is pregnancy, regardless of how it was achieved. I, on the other hand, can never put behind me that I'm still not normal. I am hopefully on the way to getting what I want, but those women who spread their legs for penises not catheters will always be there, lurking in the background reminding me that baby or not, things will never be normal.

16 comments:

DD said...

It is certainly not true that a "pregnancy is a pregnancy"! I've had the one equivolent to the stroke and a poke and if I'm ever lucky enough to get through IVF#2 with a pregnancy, I will never look at one as the same as the other.

You have the advantage of never taking a moment of this time for granted.

Molly said...

That is exactly why you're jealous -- their conception was "normal." Though you both (hopefully) end up with a baby, I think you have every right to resent someone who didn't put in a fraction of the work that you did.

BUT PRU, YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP BEING JEALOUS SOON, BECAUSE IT MIGHT HURT THE *BAYBEE*.

Jenn said...

I've had one drive by since being pregnant and it hurt every damn bit as much as if I wasn't. I think they started telling everyone before the pee was dry on the stick.

Wavery said...

My husband caught me rolling my eyes very loudly just the other day. A pregnant woman fully showing, but not huge, moaned and groaned as she waited in line before us. It makes me feel the need to install an "intentionally thick" brain barrier.

Beth said...

I think yours is an expected reaction; you had a very different experience and you can bet your bottom dollar that this lady's first dildocaom encounter will be at 8 weeks.

Lindy said...

I continued to be jealous of those particularly easily achieved pregnancies throughout my pregnancy with G. and into his infancy. I think we'll always be a little sad for the particular type of experience we've lost.

mm said...

I will never stop being jealous of pg women, no matter what happens with my own situation.

milly said...

I'm pregnant after IVF. About as far along as you. Rang up a friend who I've been avoiding for the last 3 years because of her over abundant fertility (2 kids under 3) only for her to tell me she's pg again and expecting the same time as me. And this really pi**ed me off! So you've reassued me that jealousy after pregnancy is not just my problem. I also went to my first antenatal appointment and felt hugely out of place amongst all the big bellies. But that's another issue!!
Love your blog. Congrats re. Enid.

Alexa said...

I think I will always be jealous of people who get pregnant alone with their partner in a bedroom (or wherever). And I know I will always be jealous of women who are barely into their pregnancy and are completely confident that it will result in a live baby. That will always hurt, I know.

statia said...

After my ex and I split up, I found out one of my old bosses was pregnant. She was closer to 40 and wasn't even sure that she wanted kids.

I went from thinking about all things baby to suddenly having to instantly shift out of that frame of mind and go back to singlehood. And it still hurt.

I think that most infertiles have a twinge of jealousy when it comes to "oops" babies. Because we know it'll never be that easy for us.

Georgia said...

I'm currently tenuously pregnant, first u/s next week at 7.5 weeks. My husband's ex gf and her new boyfriend are coming to visit soon. I said to my husband: With our luck, Amy will be pregnant.
No, he said--she's 40, and just started dating this guy. I think she's not going to have a kid.
You know where this is going, right? Yep. Pregnant. I now don't want them to visit, even though I may be viably pregnant. B/c I'll be just at the end of my first tri, if I am in fact viably pregnant, still dangerous. She's out of her first tri. And I'm just plain jealous. I don't want to be around her. She got pg easily, and is my husband's ex, and I just feel like a barren idiot next to her now.

Manuela said...

Darlin'... there's a time and a place for penises... and apparently, in our world... conception isn't one of them. We will NEVER be like THEM.

cat said...

Feel the same over here. Still bitter and jealous of others ease with all this. As we start to worry about what the therapist calls "normal" worries I can't help thinking fuck all the bitches who never had to worry about all those "abnormal" worries. *grumble*

You are not alone!

Vacant Uterus said...

Bitter bitches to the end! Accidental conceptions give me the heebie-jeebies, too. I don't think that will change if I ever get pregnant. No matter what, IF will always be a part of your life...having a baby after a gazillion medical interventions in no way qualifies any of us as "fertile." We're always going to be that little bit different.

tania said...

I soooooo get the crazy psycho fertility jealousy thing!

I keep thinking it will go away, but here I am at 34 weeks and it doesn't. We have friends who are due 2 weeks after us - her first was an IUI/injectable baby (my 1st was IUI#7/clomid)and her 2nd "just happened". we see them fairly frequently and I still have a hard time stomaching it. (which also has something to do with the fact that she waited until she was about 14 weeks to tell me when she found out about our pregnancy within a day or 2 of our positive results....)

Oh - and I just about did a little dance when I found out a fertile acquaintance's ("we tried for 2 weeks with both of our pregnancies" OK. Not even fertile people talk about trying in terms of weeks. It's "we got lucky the first month")epidural didn't take. I was only disappointed that they had a boy - of course she knew the moment she conceived blada blada bla.

Me, petty? Nope!

I have all sorts of leftover freaky issues having to do with infertility. Infertile for about 4 years, bitter for a lifetime.

Lovely.

Mary Scarlet said...

Once an infertile ...

We are much wiser than these falleasy types; I am hoping that will be some solace to all of us because it doesn't sound like this will ever leave us. I don't expect I will ever not have the jealous reaction until it's my son or daughter, or maybe a niece or nephew, who has conceived easily with their partner.