2/23/2006

The big bang

Things have been a bit...dull here at BarrenAlbion lately. Trying not to be a Pregnancy Bore is hard work, and as many have noted before me, your life becomes very boring very quickly. I can't talk about ongoing protocols, recount an entertaining visit to get my cooter poked, or lament that I cannot get pregnant regardless of how hard I try anymore. I'm in a great position for which I cannot complain, but jesus if it doesn't make for a tedious blog.

So, in these desperate times I'm afraid I'm going to have to resort to my usual trick - talking about sex. Sex brings in the commenters. Sex makes the silent speak. Discussing it is pretty much this month's pathetic attempt to convince readers that despite what current blog content may indicate, I'm still just a cynical, messed-up perv.

This isn't about the hot, passionate sex I'm having every day with my husband. That is because such a thing doesn't exist, nor has it ever, come to think of it. Instead, this is about the hot, passionate sex I'm having every night with men other than my husband. No, this sex does not take place in reality, as in reality not many men dig chicks with bulging stomachs and back cavities. I'm not saying that that's not hot, because I'm sure due to me even typing "sex" and "back cavities" in the same post will yield searches like "back cavity shagging" and "hot bitches with back cavities" soon enough.

For the past few weeks I cannot escape having sex with irresistible men in my dreams. It's a chore, but someone simply must do it. These are not men I know in my daily life, nor are they famous men. Last night it was a dashing, dark-haired man wearing a 1920s style suit with a fedora. He was telling me how I would never love him, and I consequently shoved him up against the wall and uh, showed him that perhaps I did. At the very least, I liked him very much. At some point, Paul Rudd turned up but dream Pru just wanted to hang out with him rather than showing him her world. On reflection, dream Pru has issues because real life Pru would certainly consider any offers he made. Granted, my tastes tend to run more along the lines of the rugged sexiness displayed in a man such as this, but I'm sure Paul Rudd would be good for a sympathy shag. That's me being sympathetic to him by the way, not the other way round.

I have been waking up most mornings feeling horrible for having no sex dreams about The Dude. I know they say that in the second trimester you are horny as a horny toad, but I didn't think that would involve nightly dalliances with random men. The very worst thing of all is that in the dream I acknowledge to myself that I am married to The Dude, but I come to the conclusion that either he won't find out, or that the decision was made somewhere along the line to have an open marriage. Consequently, I go straight for the shag.

I'm hoping these dreams at least slow down a bit, or perhaps dream Pru becomes less of a slut. Dream Pru - go to the movies, have a nice dinner, go to a museum, but stay away from cocks that don't belong to your husband. I don't have much faith that this will be the case though, thanks to that evil bitch who keeps making me think of "Quills". I'm not a fan of the Marquis de Sade, but I do love a sexually repressed priest. Um, and this sexually repressed member of the clergy. Hester, you lucky bitch.

Yeah...umm...there is no hope for me, is there?

14 comments:

mm said...

if it makes you feel any better i've been having sexy dreams about my re. yeesh. and i'm not even at that stage of pg where i can blame out of control hormones.

Molly said...

Is it bad that I'm strangely satisfied with the fact that I, by proxy, am making you horny? Heh heh.

I wish in my bizarre sex dreams that I could totally banish the guilt of somehow knowing I am married. It's a DREAM, Molly! You don't need to be married in a dream! Enjoy a good shag! Hal never need know!

And -- does The Dude find your back cavity sexy?

Jen said...

Ah, yes, the pregnant adultery dreams...I had a few steamy ones with Chris Noth and various other hotties. Enjoy them! They're guilt-free, really!

Boliath said...

Oh god I had those, they were great until one involved Marilyn Manson, freaked me out so much I had to have real sex to get it off my mind, glad I did 'cos I discovered that pregnant sex was very very nice indeed!

statia said...

Dude, I've had a crush on Paul Rudd for like, ten years. If you don't want to shag him in your dreams, send him my way.

elle said...

Can't comment on Paul Rudd, but I have had crazy sex dreams about all kinds of salacious situations w/ men not my hubby. Not ever. It freaked me out at first, now I just go with it and take it as a sign that I need to get laid.

tania said...

early on when I thought I had miscarried and it was verified that I hadn't (although I still think I lost a twin, but that's not very sexy, so we won't talk about it here) the one thing that helped me believe I really was still pregnant were sex dreams. and then I basically haven't had them until a few nights ago when I went to bed pissed off at my hubby and dreamed that I had sex with him anyway and told him that it was first time having sex as a divorcee. So when he actually does make it into my dreams, I've divorced him and showing him what he's missing.

Georgia said...

I used to love those dreams where I knew I was dreaming, and had control over the events, so I could beckon whomever I wanted for some fucking. I'd often have to stop to make extra sure it was a dream, lest I fuck someone I shouldn't...but once I was certain, what fun! Enjoy.

Mama-Beans said...

Interesting thing... every woman I know who was pregnant with a girl has WILD sex dreams, that were.... "fulfilled".... throughout her pregnancy.. and NONE of the mothers who were pregnant with boys had similar dreams... My 2nd is a boy.. and I have to say, I'm somewhat disappointed.. as is hubby. We were looking forward to horny pregnant me! Alas, he gets cold fish. Sad.

Panda said...

Oh this is very very common. It seems our dream selves turn into raging crackwhores somewhere around the second trimester. I've even been dreaming about girls....and I'm like..SOOOO not into that.

Unfortuantely, all the dream sex I'm getting does not actually translate into a desire for actual real sex.

Mary Scarlet said...

Dang, if only one could have fabulous dream sex and not also the anxiety of feeling like you're cheating. When I have these (they're on an uptick for me now even though not pg) I get the combined anxiety/sex dreams, and usually involves running around looking for a bathroom or some other small place in which to tryst, and constantly being interrupted. It suuuucks. Enjoy your dreamshags.

Em said...

I have slept with everyone in my dreams and my husband in my dreams only once! Oh, and did I mention the orgasms I have while I am sleeping - well half-asleep. I wake up to a very pleasant sensation. It must be my body's way of making up for my barren sex life because we haven't been doing it that much.

Alexa said...

Oh, Pru. I never doubted that you were "still just a cynical, messed-up perv," you sexy back-cavitied thing.

MC said...

I'm sorry about Desmond, I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. Also I hope your back is better.

I always tell my husband my erotic dreams were about him. I feel weird otherwise.