2/28/2006

All knocked up and no place to go

I'll be honest. I can't get out of this blogging limbo I find myself in. I don't really have much to say, and even on the rare occasion that I do, I don't know if I want to say it. There are feelings to be hurt, fragile emotions to shatter, and I don't want to be that IF blogger. I know I rambled on and on about this a couple of months ago, but I anticipated that things would change and I would grow into this new role a bit better than I have.

Oddly enough, I only want to talk about this pregnancy with IFers and "recovering" IFers. Normal pregnant and formerly pregnant women need not apply. Problem is - a lot of those IFers aren't interested, and I understand that. Nonetheless, it doesn't make pregnant blogging any easier. I'm on the cusp of either being completely open about it all and saying fuck it, or going AWOL for lengthy periods of time just to avoid the hassle.

That said, I'll just throw in my pregnancy-related update here. I had my first proper scan on Friday and saw Enid in all of his/her arms-and-legs-flailing glory. I've likened his/her frantic actions to a manic rope climb in gym class, and The Dude and I have been staging frequent reproductions in our front room to entertain ourselves. I have two photos to commemorate the occasion - one with rounded baby head and body quite clearly visible, and another featuring Enid as Skeletor. It ain't pleasant, but the closet goth in me enjoys showing my skeleton baby to relatives to freak them out.

So there it is. I'm 16 weeks today and slowly getting used to the idea that there might be a baby in my own personal fucked up uterus. I am not quite believing that it will result in a live baby, and certainly not a live, healthy baby, but there could be something flip-flopping around in there. See, pregnancy does not kill off the infertile inside us all. I have a feeling I will be harbouring dead baby thoughts well into any child's teenage years. Limbo is always going to be close at hand.

26 comments:

EJW said...

I don't like the medical definition of Infertile because it fails to emcompass the mental anguish of the truly infertile. Lots of people take 12+ months to get pregnant, but they don't all have that mentality of failure and frustration and anger and sadness and bitterness.

Even with Enid, even currently being happy and successful, you experienced those thing and they changed you. You'll always be Infertile to us.

Molly said...

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE US.

Who else will we turn to for sentences such as, "Dream Pru - go to the movies, have a nice dinner, go to a museum, but stay away from cocks that don't belong to your husband." We NEED that.

16 weeks. That is a beautiful number, and firmly in the 2nd trimester. Things are looking better every day.

Wavery said...

How big are your tits?

That's my opener. I'm having a hard time too, always somewhere in between caution and abandon and never quite comfortable.

pixi said...

Yeah, the DBTs are hard to kick. And I understand that feeling of not wanting to go on and on about your worries for fear of being obnoxious, yet at the same time really needing to do something with them. It's definitely a weird place to be in. But I must say, I've been truly touched and amazed by the support I've gotten from bloggers who are still trying to get pregnant. Not that I expected any less of them, I just know it can be really hard. And thank God, because I'm not ready to let go of this group, either.

It's so nice to hear about your rope-climbing baby. No sense of what the gender might be, though?

MsPrufrock said...

I'll just say that these tits could poke out an eye or two. Not only are they massive, they're quite solid too. Ha. Everything anyone would ever want to know about my boobs but were afraid to ask...

Ornery said...

I will admit that there are times when I just can't read pregnancy updates, even when they come from an infertile's blog. But the vast majority of the time, I'm just so happy for you and other bloggers who struggle with IF and are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, that I find myself eagerly waiting for the next update. So please do not go AWOL on us. I may have to turn away on occasion, but I will always be cheering you on and will undoubtedly come back for more.

Jenn said...

I think limbo will always be there too. And my vote is not to go AWOL.

Lindy said...

Please stay. Those of us in the same boat understand the oddness of it all. My vote is to go whole hog with the updates and those who need to stay away can do so when they need to. That was my preference before I got pregnant.

Then again, I'm only managing to update about once a week. So who am I to talk anyway?

And yes please, did you try to see the sex? We were able to tell with G. at a scan at 16 weeks.

Lisa said...

It's your blog and I think you should be open and tell it like it is - we'd expect no less of you. I for one am REVELLING in your continued happy news (including the image of your ginormous breasts knocking out eyes)and want to hear ALL the details.

korin said...

I have to say, I agree with you, I don't like talking to 'the fertile' about my pregnancy. It's like ... dude, you had SEX with your HUSBAND and got pregnant? you didn't have to write a 12K check and have your eggs extracted? Hmmm what's that like? Oh.. so you had morning sickness just like me? Oh yeah, right you did. Oh, so you think that now I'm pregnant it's all fine and dandy? um. no. fuck off.
anyway.. don't go.. even if/when you're deliriously happy.... don't go. :)

Annie said...

As a certified IF-type myself ... I'd just like to say, please continue blogging! Your writing is both touching and amusing, and it has been very interesting hearing how they do things on the other side of the pond. But more important to me personally, you are a Certified Success Story. (Yes, young lady, you will stand right up there on that pedestal where we put you, and quit complaining!) You have been through the ravening IVF maw, and emerged with an actual rope-climbing fetus. You prove that our goal can be achieved, at least by the lucky and plucky. Please keep blogging.

sparklykatt said...

As a profoundly infertile woman (that's my IF doc talking) who is well preserved (that's him again) who is about to start IVF I beg you to continue your blog! I need to hear the success stories! Thank you for sharing with us!

Lut C. said...

I have growing list of PG-after-IF blogs in my blogroll. Maybe you know all of them already.

Be open about your experience if you feel like it. I need to see that treatment just works sometimes.

Sol said...

I love your writing, your wit and the fact that you are PG! I want to hear all about it... I know it's an odd place to be, and this is coming from someone who probably sounds obnoxious most of the time because I already have an IVF child and two babes on the way, but I think it's so important that pregnant bloggers keep telling it like it is, and helping the ones who are still in journey and also each other.

The worrying never stops., as you very well say. It's a wonderful worry to have, but it's there and I believe it's important success stories are told as well.

Manuela said...

Oh, c'mon... just let it SPEWWWW... let it out... forget about the self-editing...

Look... people are going to be offended no matter what... because you have what we all want. That ain't gonna change. But if you're looking to maintain connection with us bitter bitches... I GUARANTEE you will continue to find an audience as long as you stay true to your experiences.

Jenn went through something similar... and then finally said 'fuckit'... and just decided to let it all out. I, for one, now find it EASIER to read her pregnancy trials and tribulations... because the ol' cutting Jenn is back... and THAT'S the take on pregnancy we want to see from her!

Same goes for you... look at Julie and Grrl... they were two of the ones who stuck with it... and put it ALL out there... they may have lost some readers...but they gained a hell of a lot more.

That's my assvice for the day.

Manuela said...

One more thing...


TITS!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!

Georgia said...

As a newly and barely pregnant infertile/HabAb, I need you to keep writing, and talking about pregnancy, okay?

And congrats on that flailing rope climber Enid...

tania said...

i am pretty much an absentee pregnant blogger. But i'm also a sucky blogger whereas you are an excellent blogger. So I don't think you should go away.

aren't the skeleton pictures a bit freaky? I have to admit that even though I knew the baby really did have things other than just a skeleton, it still made me a bit nervous... bleh!

laura said...

I'm with you ... it's kind of hard to find a place that "fits" just right. Thrilled that Enid is thriving.

Cass said...

Yes. Me too. I'm hating talking to people who think this is all so normal when I'm still in a fairly constant state of disbelief. And it does feel weird to talk about it here, too. But if I had to pick just one, I'd pick this community that respects the history it took to get here rather than the one that thinks that being here erases all of that.

Pamplemousse said...

I can't comment on how being PG fits with blogging. I usually leave it to the PG bloggers to fill that role. I have to say that us hardcore old infertiles might not comment much but a whole lot of other PG commenters appear to come out of the woodwork that I have never heard of before? They are your new audience.

I might not comment very much now as I have nothing of experience to bring to the table but however, I will say hurrah for 16 weeks!

seepi said...

HI there,

I hope you don't stop writing. There is a small audience of people who feel just like you. I thought I was acting wierdly about my (ivf) pregnancy, when I didn't really want to talk about it, didn't tell my family until 4 months, and didn't buy any baby items until about 5 months. I wont' let my partner book us into a childcare place either, until after we actually have a baby, although everyone tells us there is a year long waiting list, and every one books in as soon as they know.
I've only discovered IF blogs relatively recently, and it is saving my sanity to realise it is normal to feel this way.
good luck with whatever you choose.

Kath said...

Yes, Pru, I can understanding your not wanting to cause offense or hurt, but it pains me to see you tying yourself in knots for fear of saying the wrong thing. Please do let it all out -- and I am one of the many people who would be so pleased to see you enjoying this pregnancy as much as you can! The people who check in on you want to hear how you are, not some sanitized version. And of course we wanna see the boob pictures, but *sigh* you can't have everything, eh?

cat said...

Those skeletor photos are a hoot... especially folks reactions. We loved ours and proudly flaunted our scary smiling baby for all who would dare to look. The real question is why have you not posted yours? Hmmmmm? *hand on hips*

Leave smeave... what would that do but make bloglandia more bland?

elle said...

Glad to hear that Enid is a flipping and a flopping. That's fun, when you can feel it. A nice squasher of DBTs, the flipflopping, at least temporarily.

And sigh, it is a tad boring when things go well. The absent dramas. But it's cool to share whatever you want here. It's your blog, and you have certainly earned the right to throw down.

I wish you an incredibly boring and uneventful pregnancy, with lots of spicy dreams. And I hope you keep blogging!

linda said...

Just discovered your blog and it's a damned good read. Adding you onto my list so I can try to keep track of your PG adventures.

I, too, have a bit of a hard time discussing my IF with most of those who are PG. As we drone on about this or that IF treatment, they smile and nod their heads and say things like, "Oh don't worry, it will happen when the time is right?" Or one of the many other lame ass statements the non-IF are prone to. WTF? They just have no idea. I've naturally leaned towards not sharing my IF journey with many of the non-IF population for this reason.

Congrats on hitting 16 weeks!