Before I launch into today's tirade, I'd like to thank you all for the lovely comments left in response to my last post. I know it seemed like really lame pandering for your affections, but I have genuinely felt out of place lately. So, if we're going for letting it all hang out - no cheesiness here, only pure snark - I will try and be a bit more vocal about this pregnancy.
Here are my issues du jour:
1) Lies told by pregnancy publications: It seems that the first trimester is when you're exhausted all the time. Me, not so much. I can't say I was bounding with energy, but then again, I'm not the type to be manic in the best of circumstances. I could be forced to drink 10 espressos, the same in Red Bull, and snort raw cane sugar, and I'd still probably just want to lay on the couch, pregnant or not.
I was told by these bastions of expertise that the second trimester was the so-called "honeymoon" period - No nausea! More energy! Beautiful skin! Ok, ok...the nausea has dissipated significantly, my skin is unchanged from pre-pregnancy times, but the energy, my god the energy. It has done up and left. Yesterday during my lunch hour I walked 5 minutes into town, shopped in one store for 45 minutes, and walked the 5 minutes back to work. By the end of the day my legs and back ached, and I could have easily slept for a day. I got home and assumed my normal position on the sofa and only got up to get a popsicle. I meant to blog, but I would have needed to snap the popsicle stick in half to prop my eyes open, so instead I chose to rot to America's Next Top Model. Whatever works.
2) Pregnancy publications omitting certain effects of pregnancy : In this case, snot production. It's through the fucking roof here at BarrenAlbion. I cannot laugh spontaneously anymore lest an aerodynamic pool of snot rockets out of my nose and onto anyone or anything in the vicinity. One of my books mentions snottiness very briefly, and does not elaborate as to how it is going to affect one's personal life. Last time I checked, most people don't appreciate being snotted on.
When it's not a drippiness issue threatening to besiege innocent bystanders, I'm stuffed up. This can happen at a moment's notice. I cannot count the number of times in the past week I have rapidly developed congestion inside a five minute window. I'm not just talking an occasional blowing of the nose, but rather going from "I am going home" to "I amp goink hoemp."
The moral of this story is - beware of the snot.
3) Maternity clothing: Being a lady in the too-fat-for-normal-clothes-not-fat-enough-for-stretchable-fabric-flaps stage, I'm pretty much fucked if I want to wear anything but sweatpants with an elasticated waist or my beloved size "you fat bitch" jeans. I'm struggling at the moment to come up with anything to wear to work, as my current clothes leave me in a rather ridiculous state of muffintoppedness that could not be less attractive. Added to that is the fact that tops struggle to overcome the mountainous boobs and slightly protruding stomach, and you've got yourself not only a muffintopper, but a muffintopper that seems as if she is delighted to let it all hang out. Uh, everybody wants to see rolling, blindingly white flesh oozing out of clothing, right?
Quick gripe about the current trend of horizontal stripes in the attempt to recreate a ridiculous nautical theme...a man came up with this fashion, right? What woman voluntarily wears horizontal stripes? Additionally, was it a very cruel misogynist that decided that pregnant women + horizontal stripes = fashion brilliance and millions in sales? I was in one store's maternity section the other day and every.single.top had horizontal stripes - why?? I look fat enough as it is, but thanks for reminding me that I can look even bigger.
4) Breaking the news to acquaintances and having them ask, "How long were you trying?":
Sorry, when did this become anyone's business? Each time I've been asked this I've had to try very hard to stifle my surprise as well as the desire to kick them in the head. The best part is, once I'm silent long enough so as to evade their question, they start doing the relationship mathematics in their heads! Example:
Assface: That's great news! Had you been trying long?
Me: :::trying to think of something clever to say and failing:::, :::looks at the ceiling, pretends to have gone deaf:::
15 second pause
Assface: Well...let's see...you and The Dude have been married for what now - 4 years? Wow. That's a long time. Come to think of it, haven't you two been together since you were writing crap poetry in your bedroom, listening to The Smiths and sighing a lot? Didn't you want to have kids before now?
Me: No actually. We were doing silly, trivial things such as getting degrees and good jobs so we could support any future children. What were we thinking?
This happens almost every time I tell people. This is why I have now chosen to keep this shit to myself until Enid is like, fifty.
I have a list of about a thousand things that piss me off at the moment, but I have forgotten the other 996. I need something to blog about, so I'm sure after a brainstorm one of these days I'll remember the others. Something that is countering my almost constant annoyed state as of late can be found here. Their American Idol summaries make me snort in a most unattractive way. I'm probably releasing more snot when doing that, so I guess it is for the best that I only read them at home. Go. Read. Snot.