Before I launch into today's tirade, I'd like to thank you all for the lovely comments left in response to my last post. I know it seemed like really lame pandering for your affections, but I have genuinely felt out of place lately. So, if we're going for letting it all hang out - no cheesiness here, only pure snark - I will try and be a bit more vocal about this pregnancy.

Here are my issues du jour:

1) Lies told by pregnancy publications: It seems that the first trimester is when you're exhausted all the time. Me, not so much. I can't say I was bounding with energy, but then again, I'm not the type to be manic in the best of circumstances. I could be forced to drink 10 espressos, the same in Red Bull, and snort raw cane sugar, and I'd still probably just want to lay on the couch, pregnant or not.

I was told by these bastions of expertise that the second trimester was the so-called "honeymoon" period - No nausea! More energy! Beautiful skin! Ok, ok...the nausea has dissipated significantly, my skin is unchanged from pre-pregnancy times, but the energy, my god the energy. It has done up and left. Yesterday during my lunch hour I walked 5 minutes into town, shopped in one store for 45 minutes, and walked the 5 minutes back to work. By the end of the day my legs and back ached, and I could have easily slept for a day. I got home and assumed my normal position on the sofa and only got up to get a popsicle. I meant to blog, but I would have needed to snap the popsicle stick in half to prop my eyes open, so instead I chose to rot to America's Next Top Model. Whatever works.

2) Pregnancy publications omitting certain effects of pregnancy : In this case, snot production. It's through the fucking roof here at BarrenAlbion. I cannot laugh spontaneously anymore lest an aerodynamic pool of snot rockets out of my nose and onto anyone or anything in the vicinity. One of my books mentions snottiness very briefly, and does not elaborate as to how it is going to affect one's personal life. Last time I checked, most people don't appreciate being snotted on.

When it's not a drippiness issue threatening to besiege innocent bystanders, I'm stuffed up. This can happen at a moment's notice. I cannot count the number of times in the past week I have rapidly developed congestion inside a five minute window. I'm not just talking an occasional blowing of the nose, but rather going from "I am going home" to "I amp goink hoemp."
The moral of this story is - beware of the snot.

3) Maternity clothing: Being a lady in the too-fat-for-normal-clothes-not-fat-enough-for-stretchable-fabric-flaps stage, I'm pretty much fucked if I want to wear anything but sweatpants with an elasticated waist or my beloved size "you fat bitch" jeans. I'm struggling at the moment to come up with anything to wear to work, as my current clothes leave me in a rather ridiculous state of muffintoppedness that could not be less attractive. Added to that is the fact that tops struggle to overcome the mountainous boobs and slightly protruding stomach, and you've got yourself not only a muffintopper, but a muffintopper that seems as if she is delighted to let it all hang out. Uh, everybody wants to see rolling, blindingly white flesh oozing out of clothing, right?

Quick gripe about the current trend of horizontal stripes in the attempt to recreate a ridiculous nautical theme...a man came up with this fashion, right? What woman voluntarily wears horizontal stripes? Additionally, was it a very cruel misogynist that decided that pregnant women + horizontal stripes = fashion brilliance and millions in sales? I was in one store's maternity section the other day and every.single.top had horizontal stripes - why?? I look fat enough as it is, but thanks for reminding me that I can look even bigger.

4) Breaking the news to acquaintances and having them ask, "How long were you trying?":
Sorry, when did this become anyone's business? Each time I've been asked this I've had to try very hard to stifle my surprise as well as the desire to kick them in the head. The best part is, once I'm silent long enough so as to evade their question, they start doing the relationship mathematics in their heads! Example:

Assface: That's great news! Had you been trying long?

Me: :::trying to think of something clever to say and failing:::, :::looks at the ceiling, pretends to have gone deaf:::

15 second pause

Assface: Well...let's see...you and The Dude have been married for what now - 4 years? Wow. That's a long time. Come to think of it, haven't you two been together since you were writing crap poetry in your bedroom, listening to The Smiths and sighing a lot? Didn't you want to have kids before now?

Me: No actually. We were doing silly, trivial things such as getting degrees and good jobs so we could support any future children. What were we thinking?

This happens almost every time I tell people. This is why I have now chosen to keep this shit to myself until Enid is like, fifty.

I have a list of about a thousand things that piss me off at the moment, but I have forgotten the other 996. I need something to blog about, so I'm sure after a brainstorm one of these days I'll remember the others. Something that is countering my almost constant annoyed state as of late can be found here. Their American Idol summaries make me snort in a most unattractive way. I'm probably releasing more snot when doing that, so I guess it is for the best that I only read them at home. Go. Read. Snot.


DD said...

Ah, yes, the glorious snot, how I rued you!

As for the clothes, have you checked out men's tops, either button down or light-weight sweaters. I guarantee they don't put horizontal stripes on men's shirts!

Jen said...

Ah, snot...I've slept with a vaporizer every night, and that seems to help very slightly. It's still annoying, though!

And the horizontal stripes--why, oh why? I couldn't believe the number of striped shirts in ebay maternity clothing lots. Yes, let's draw MORE attention to my expanding girth!

Jenn said...

I'm not finding the second trimester all that honeymoonish either. I am slightly less tired and the nausea is gone, but I hurt everywhere. And the snot, my God, the snot. Saline nasal spray is my new drug of choice even though it only helps slightly.

statia said...

What the hell? The when are you having kids question isn't satisfying enough?

I'll totally drop kick them to the head if they ask that, I swear.

Alexa said...

Gracious! I did not know about the snot. It sounds appalling--almost as appalling as horizontal-striped maternity tops. Why don't they just make shirts with a print that is two arrows pointing away from each other, to denote expansion?
Also, I too love the TWOP.
Hope you are well, my sweet. Perhaps you will buck pregnancy-book expectations and be full of energy in the next trimester...

Lut C. said...

You make it all sound so appealing. :-) Thanks, I'm ready to move on now.


Manuela said...

YAY! Snot or no... I'm just glad to have you sharing the real important earth shattering snark stuff again...

Thank GAWD... thought you might go all sparkle rainbow on me there for a sec...

tania said...

Here is my theory about exhaustion in the first trimester:

Infertility is EXHAUSTING - mentally, physically, financially, etc. If you are lucky enough to get pregnant, you will not notice a significant increase in exhaustion, because you're already completely fried. But you should never admit that you're not exhausted, because if you're just bored or feeling lazy, nobody will ever question the fact that you're taking a nap.

maternity clothes suck. by the time you actually fit into them, your belly will be too big to actually hold up all of the clever low-rise pants they have these days, so you'll spend all of your time yanking up your pants and your underwear which get dragged right down with them. and the shirts which look kind of cute snug on your belly when it becomes obvious you're pregnant are not so cute by the time you reach the 3rd trimester and they no longer cover said belly.

i am 38 weeks, and the books certainly don't seem to mention surliness as a symptom. Maybe they're sugar-coating it by referring to "mood swings", but my mood does not swing. It remains firmly planted in surly territory.

Nico said...

It seems as if the snot is a common symptom never before mentioned in any pregnancy book / website I've read. What's even worse is the bloody snot. Yummy!

Annie said...

O...M...G. I am sitting here laughing so hard my cat is complaining. ("The lap is moving! Stop this immediately!") The snot. The SNOT. Should I ever achieve your same blessed state of preggo-ness, I now know what to look forward to. I have had allergies all my life and I'm already the Mucus Queen. I can't imagine what that will be like. I just re-watched "The Blob" the other day ....

Ova Girl said...

Ms P... we are fellow snotheads. And now I read that the snot is widespread in the blogosphere. Somehow I find that comforting.

seepi said...

I've got the blocked up nose (with blood bits) and sinus headaches. and I'm keeping the saline nasal spray companies in business. My skin has improved though! But my ankles are swelling up like balloons.
And I'm still resisting the maternity gear - so expensive, and either dull, overly cute or totally revolting. I'm wearing elastic waist skirts and peasant tops from the Target larger ladies section. Winter wear will be interesting though....
thanks for staying.

Thalia said...

well between you and OG the whole snot thing is coming close to putting me off getting pregnant. NOT!

I'm glad to hear that pregnancy at least allows you to retain your sense of humour. Keep it up my sweet.

T said...

In an effort to help you appreciate the second, I give you - the third trimester:

aching pelvic bones
MORE backaches
indigestion - DEAR GOD the indigestion
sleep vomit (I think me and my nurse are the only lucky ones to have gotten this)
growing out of ugly maternity clothes

What Jenn said - don't leave home without your saline spray. OH and if you can help it - don't get sick. You WILL want to kill yourself.

But of course, all worth it if your kid decides to ever come out!

Ornery said...

Good to know about the snot. I already have significantly more snot production than the rest of humanity, so now I'm a bit curious and worried about the quantity of snot that'll come out of my nose when I'm pregnant.

Molly said...

My favorite word in this post: "muffintoppedness"

And -- you can snot on me anytime you want. Because that would mean that we would actually meet each other! Grrr.

elle said...

Yeah, snot. Wait til your joints go all elastic-y and you trip over a barely perceptible uneven sidewalk, spraining your ankle like an 80 year old. That's real fun.

cat said...

Agreed 2nd Trimester was no damn honeymoon. Unfortunately the 3rd trimester could be condsidered the divorce from all reason, your toes and any sight of your own privates.

My old (god those actually used to fit?) jeans lasted for awhile with a rubber band round the button and through the loop trick. Long shirt over it... voila!

Snot doesn't get any better either sorry. Saline nasal spray has become a best friend.

Vacant Uterus said...

I've come up with a variety of good responses to "How long have you been trying?"

1) Long enough *mysterious smile*
2) How long have you been a rude jerk who asks personal questions that are none of your business?
3)Well, you know, when we finally got around to consummating the marriage, it all of a sudden seemed like a good idea.
4) Last Tuesday. Seemed like a good day for that sort of thing.

And then you snot on them.

Pamplemousse said...

Haha! Snot and muffintop!! Morrissey will love you.