Terra firma

I have now returned to the land of hot tea at regular intervals and no Wal-Mart, and not a moment too soon. There are only so many days one can spend in a country where having a bumper sticker reading Jesus was a Liberal* leads to much jeering by scruffy men with mullets and notes on the windshield encouraging the owner to "Repent before you find yourself faced with eternal damnation." Ah, God bless America indeed. At the very least, God bless Central Pennsylvania.

My sincerest apologies for all I let down by not attending the Infertile Luncheon that has been so blogged about in the past week. My dad's girlfriend threw him a surprise 60th birthday party in Philly and I was trying to fit in a DC diversion until the very last minute, to no avail. I'm annoyed that I missed meeting all of the fabulous women in attendence. I have yet to meet any bloggers, and the closest I've gotten is a couple of phone calls with Molly, who basically just breathes heavily and moans as soon as she hears my voice.

I have plenty to say about recent developments in my reproductive life, but at the moment I'm suffering from jet lag-induced ambivalence, so I will leave most of it for another time. The most important bit of info is this - I had a scan a couple of weeks ago at 6w2d, and Bertrand/Enid's heartbeat was both seen and heard. To see it was a marvel in itself, but to hear it was overwhelming. Of course I cried, primarily because I was so thrilled that something, up to that point anyway, was alive in there. To witness a beating heart aside from your own that belongs to another life inside of you, well...it's indescribable.

I also cried because I thought of the many of you who keep struggling, and I desperately want everyone to have at least a little bit of good news for once. I am acutely aware that I have many, many miles to go before this is considered successful, and I spend hours each day convincing myself that this is not going to end well. However, I have never been pregnant before, and for now, I am. It is one step further than I ever anticipated being. I don't consider this feeling guilt, as I put in 4 years of infertility, and as obnoxious as it sounds, it's about fucking time I benefit from the emotional, physical, and financial stress.

I don't know the name of what I'm feeling, but I do know it is odd to be on the other side for once. Prior to reading IF blogs I frequented an IF chatroom. It was usually filled with pregnant IFers or new moms after IF, and I hated it. The little mary sunshines of the group that were not pregnant and did not have children adored having pregnant/new moms in the room, because it gave them hope. I, on the other hand, found it offensive and annoying. Rather than being inspirational, I thought they only served as a reminder that my body was consistently failing me, and it was only other people who got pregnant. I wasn't concerned that they were once where I was.

The point to all this rambling is that I am very confused. Naturally I want this to all work out, but nor do I want to be pushed off the Island. I don't want to be that irritating pregnant woman that prattles on about how she never thought she would get pregnant, and how it will happen for you too, blah blah blah. I detest her, and I trust the rest of you do too. I feel ridiculous for even referring to myself as pregnant, because I neither feel pregnant, nor believe it is lasting. I guess that it is virtually impossible for me to convey my wish for everyone to be happy without being patronising anymore. Prior to the positive HPTs I could pass on whatever good wishes I pleased, but those HPTs changed everything.

The moral to this convoluted and ultimately baffling post is that I hope everyone finds happiness, in whatever form it manifests itself.

*My brother's bumper sticker. When I borrowed his car, The Dude, as my passenger, noticed the glares of passing drivers and it took us awhile to narrow it down to the oh-so-offensive bumper sticker rather than any bad driving on my part.


Vacant Uterus said...

Yay! You're back and blogging! Don't worry about sounding like an obnoxious fertile...we know all your good wishes are from our cynical Pru with the twisted sense of humor.

Susie said...

Yay for the heartbeat! This is the time for hourly reminders that NBHHY!

Speaking from my experience of living in Central PA for seven years, I can't say the bumper sticker thing surprises me one bit. ;-)

Mary Scarlet said...

Pru, welcome back! I will never go to central Pennsylvania!

I'm thrilled to hear about the hb, and that NBHHY. I completely understand your ambivalence about being a pregnant infertile. Those boards/rooms used to drive me fucking mad, they were so grating. But I think there is a fundamental difference in the two media (mediums?) Despite the supposed personal nature of the boards with the person-to-person contact, I never actually felt that I knew the others in my group. Messages were usually news-oriented, and (unless they included a god-awful list of personal messages) tended to be short. Plus, there was no way to bypass certain members of the group, there wasn't really a lot of choice other than to opt-in or opt-out entirely.

It's all different with blogs. We know you much better, we choose to visit you and read what you've been thinking, feeling, doing. Personally, I want to read about all the weird pregnancy stuff, up to and including the part where an actual baby appears and beyond. So I'm glad you're back.

Erin said...

Whoo-hoo! Welcome back. I think you'll be welcome on the island for your sense of humour, alone.

Manuela said...

Pru... you would not... COULD not ever be one of those ridiculously annoying women no matter how hard you might try! You are just too real, too raw... and have been through too much for anything you might say, to those of us still in the trenches, to sound cloying or patronizing.

I, for one, still plan on savouring every word you share with respect to this WONDERFUL journey you are now on.

I do have to say, though, that I am STILL so disappointed that your plans didn't work out for us to meet... seriously... what a BUMMER!!!

Nico said...

Welcome back from the land of the insane!

So glad to hear about Enid/Bertrand's heartbeat. That must have been amazing.

I'm looking forward to continuing to read about your adventures!

Molly said...

Oh, I've missed you! Serious, serious Pru withdrawal. I've been going mental. And now I've got a big, juicy hit coursing through my bruised veins. Heaven.

Glad to hear that all systems are still go for Enid/Bertrand.

By the way, the breathing/moaning phone calls? Those weren't me. I was the panting/squealing ones.

Thalia said...

It's ok, we forgive you, mostly. And please please with the condescending mary sunshine thing, it's not you, you are very very unlikely to be able to channel those women. You're our own sarky pru and we don't mind (ok maybe a little bit) that you're pregnant.

From the land of your forbears, I great you. 24 hours to go until I return to the land of no WalMarts (still haven't been in one).

PortLairge said...

Welcome back. I have been lurking for ages and then you upped and left on your holidays. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Just continue to write in true Pru form and I won't think of you as a smog pregnant.

Lori said...

Crossing central PA off my "places to see" list.
I was bummed you couldn't make the luncheon but certainly understandable. We even played nicely with the pregnant bloggers so I'm sure we wouldn't have kicked you uncerimoniously off the island! Just no smug patting of the belly and it will all be good.

mm said...

Yay! You're back. Being from a less than tolerant state myself, I can so relate to the first part of your post.
I love that bumper sticker!

Congrats on the hb, etc. So thrilling!!

elle said...

"Whats between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia?"


Ha ha. I used to live in Philly, I miss it. No hicks there!

I hope you are able to be a mental revolutionary - to a) accept the fact that YOU ARE PREGNANT and b) embrace and relish it. Worrying about the future doesn't change the present. All things look good for you, and that is wonderful. Ain't no shame in enjoying it! Besides, being knocked up doesn't mean you have to be a mary sunshine! I should know, I am still a cranky bitch! Good luck!

Alexa said...

Hurrah, You're back! I had lamost given you up for dead...
I am so glad you were able to see B/E's heartbeat (and hear it--goodness).
And I will read your blog until you take it down, come what may. Really.

joie said...

Stay on the island! We need your humor.

MC said...

Glad your back. Congrats on the heart beat. I'm so excited for you. I was touched that you were thinking of us all and wishing us happiness. Welcome back again.

statia said...

I just want you to know, that I've been surfing friendster and myspace all fucking day now.

Apparently most of my class isn't cool enough for myspace (including myself)

erinberry said...

Heehee - Obviously, I love your brother's bumper sticker :)