1/11/2006

The crashing tide can't hide a guilty girl

It is a time of confessions. I'm sure I will let down members of Club Infertility, but surely confessing my sins brings me one step closer to absolution, right? So here goes...a day after my first of four positive pregnancy tests I did something most naughty. I went to the Ikea website and looked for the changing table/dresser I have been coveting since I first set eyes on it two years ago. At the time, I would wander around the kids' section enviously, glaring at all the happy families and wishing that I would be in the position to buy furniture for my child's room. The pregnancy test pushed me over the edge and I allowed the thought to creep into my mind that I may actually be someone's mother one day, and hey - they might need a crib, a changing table, or a stuffed animal with a delightfully Scandanavian name like Sporjak.

Second confession, and this is by far more vile. The Dude and I may or may not have purchased a couple of items of baby clothing whilst in the States. Ok, we did. But, BUT, it was mainly because they were on sale in Baby Gap and were too adorable to pass up. Additionally, please believe me when I say that I'm still not convinced the heartbeat we heard a few weeks ago belongs to a being that will be birthed by me in August. Yes, the purchases were made because this is the closest we've ever been to that being a reality, but I maintain they were for a baby, not necessarily this to-be baby. I know that sounds like I'm justifying what we did, and maybe it is. Regardless, we will be parents one day, if not to the current resident of my uterus, to a future child, biological or otherwise.

Having never seen a positive pregnancy test of my own before, let me be the first to say that it is immensely difficult to not go mad with excitement. Here I was a few months ago slagging off some IF blogger (she doesn't read me, for the record) for doing baby shopping seconds after her positive HPT. I pointed out how outrageous that behaviour was, yet I wanted to do the same before the pee even dried on my test. Common sense stopped me from acting on it, but it didn't stop me from drooling over Ikea baby furniture. Ugh, my Mom would have such a life lesson to teach me here.

That said, I have recently been exposed to a list of newly pregnant non-IF bloggers and holy hell are these women living in a world most unlike my own. I'm talking shopping for maternity pants at 5w and telling all relatives the happy news right after testing. Are these people not the least bit superstitious? Do they not know the rate of miscarriage in early pregnancy, even for ::ahem:: normal women? Shit. I want to laugh and point at them, yet at the same time I am jealous of their ignorance. What must it feel like to be so sure that you get a baby when the 9th month arrives?

I have another confession to make. I should really keep some of this to myself because I'm totally exposing all of my horrible traits and the likelihood I will come off as a complete dweeby nutwad is very high. Anyway, this infertile blood runs deep. One would think that achieving a pregnancy of admittedly as-yet-unknown duration would alleviate my jealousy. Non. Prior to the positive HPTs, I sometimes had difficulty reading pregnant bloggers, as we all do at some point or another. I'm finding that this is still the case now, which baffles me. Well, I don't have trouble reading them, but I find jealousy creeping in, and I am not quite sure why.

I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I am resolute in my belief that something bad will happen in my own pregnancy and that The Others will have problem-free pregnancies, or that I forget that I am actually pregnant. I know the latter sounds ridiculous, but I really do forget. Beyond the odd patch of nausea I feel no different from how I felt pre-pregnancy, and I hate it. I want so badly for this to be real and my lack of symptoms are making that such a struggle to believe.

I'm a bit of a mess lately it seems. I'm prone to mapping out workplace murderous rampages in my head and I'm jealous of other IFers who get pregnant despite the fact that I am, for now, pregnant. That, and I've placed a moratorium on spousal hugging because I'm too hateful to be hugged and I'm certainly not doing the hugging. Uh, yeah...I'm pretty much an ungrateful bitch I think. I need a nap or twelve.

N.B. To the person searching for "IVF women are selfish" - fuuuuuuhhhhhhhhck you.

27 comments:

DD said...

Non-IFers don't know what the heck a beta is; they don't know that getting more than 2 US within 9 mos is not the norm; and yes, they do assume they will have one healthy baby within 9 mos so will shop for clothes, furniture and sometimes a college fund at that moment.I can say this with absolute certainty.

I was one. That's what makes this SIF so much harder for me because I know how easy it can be. I think I can say I have earned my badge of IF at this stage of the game.

April said...

Ok. Two "hail gonadotropins", one "our syringes" and you're forgiven.

In all honesty, you have nothing to be forgiven for. I wish you could have that unmitigated joy that the "easily fertile" have.

Molly said...

You have every right to be buying baby clothes, Pru -- every right -- because we all have the right to hope. Hell, that quilt I made last month? Perfectly baby-sized, and made with the hope (faith, maybe? I don't know) that some day there will be a baby here to enjoy it.

And you're closer to that baby than many women get. You have the right to enjoy it, you crazy bitch.

Mwah!

Lindy said...

I'm glad to hear that you've marked your achievements thus far with purchases that make you happy. And I'm doubly glad you admitted it, because it makes me feel better about the box of 1930s reproduction ABC flash cards that I bought today to mark making it to 12 weeks. I mean, they could be for anything right? Not necessarily for a baby's room.

And I remained jealous of pregnant women throughout my first pregnancy and G's newborn stage. Go figure.

And now that I read blogs, there's definitely an element of "how much is it going to suck if something happens to me and then these women are all still pregnant."

deborah said...

I swear I had a pithy response all ready for you, but April beat me to it.

persephone said...

Ha! It must be Confession Day, I just unburdened my soul on my blog too.

I'm not jealous of other bloggers, so far, but I was jealous of my best friend for being 3 weeks ahead of me and thus having more symptoms than me. And of Angelina Jolie. Why? I don't know.

DrSpouse said...

I was actually very cautious in my pregnancy (miscarriage at 10 weeks). Mr Spouse was mega cautious, so that might be partly why, but I couldn't understand people who would tell all at the sign of a blue cross. Like the woman I know online, 2 years older than me, who got pregnant first month of trying, and told her boss when her period wasn't even late...

Suz said...

Jealousy is a crazy thing. Just last night I found myself glaring at a belly-rubbing pregnant person even though I'm pregnant myself. It's strange to be pregnant after having infertility as your identity for so many years - it's even stranger and more difficult to blog about it.

Susie said...

Hell, don't feel bad. I still get mad, sad, and jealous when other women get pregnant. And I'm 36 weeks pregnant myself. I guess I don't get jealous of other infertiles, it's a lot easier to be happy for them, but other women in general. And boy do I still hate being around normal pregnant women.

Don't feel guilty. We just feel how we feel. I'm glad you're getting to do a little shopping and hoping.

Fertility Faux Pas said...

I wanted to post a witty comment, but I'm left speachless by the "IVF women are selfish" search. Unbelievable.

Best of luck to you and enjoy the retail therapy. After so many years of IF, you have definitely earned it.

Manuela said...

Bloody Hell!! These are SINS??? Gah! I thought I knew you just a little.

Ok... MAYBE murdering your coworkers for... you know... breathing... that MIGHT be over the line... but otherwise???

Girl... I'm doing virtual high-fives and skippy high-kicks in my office because you FINALLY have come to a place that even allows you to ENTERTAIN the possibility of a positive outcome to this pregnancy! All I want to know... is where's the link to the Ikea products?!

And April?? That comment ROCKS!! I think we need an IF rosary, don't you???

Lut C. said...

LOL! Now I have an image of you going about your business, glaring at PG women, grumbling why can't I be PG, %$#!1, ooh, wait, I am PG! Recurrent delight, fabulous.

PortLairge said...

What adjective would you use to describe the person who did a search for "IVF women are selfish" and what about the men that provide the sperm. Fuck that I want to reach through the computer and choke that bitch/bollicks.
As for the shopping- enjoy every moment. Enid/Bertrand can't stay naked for ever and besides who could pass up a sale?

Jenn said...

My husband came home to tell me his co-worker and his wife are pregnant. She is MUCH older than I am and as of a few months ago they weren't "ready" to have kids. Apparently they got ready fast and got pregnant on the first shot. The kicker is they have told everyone she is pregnant because she is late! I'm not even sure she peed on a stick!

Sorry I went off, I've been dying to rant about that, but I'm not sure if she reads my blog or not.

korin said...

I think Molly is right... it's about allowing yourself to hope. I went shopping at the end of my first trimester with my MIL cause it felt so good to hope. I told my mom andMIL right away, cause they knew about the IVF and I'd want them in my corner if something happened. HOpe is a powerful drug, and when you've gone without for so long, it's hard to resist. Don't beat yourself up. Now. get on your knees and repent!

Kath said...

Ah, the dreaded Pee Stick Defense. "I'm sorry, your honor... I was out of control... that extra line... and those adorable baby cl... *sob* Ikea... I'm *wail* so sorry..."

Ego to absolvo too, buddy. You can buy all the Spjorks and Bjornas and Unykts you want.

And I hope you're able to trust your pregnancy someday soon. The Dude looks like he could use a hug.

DrSpouse said...

For someone like Jenn's boss, while of course I'd never wish pregnancy loss on anyone, I kind of hope her cycle is just playing up - that'll teach her!

Mary Scarlet said...

You are not vile, nor a bitch, you're just having a minor spaz out. Which is so, so well-deserved. Go freaky!

Vacant Uterus said...

Pru, this is why we all love you. You seem so bitter and cynical but then you turn around and buy baby clothes and Ikea furniture. That's something a crazy Baptist would do, too. :-p

As for IVF women are selfish...hot damn. I'd like to see him say that to our collective faces! They talk about roid rage...what about hormone rage?

cat said...

IVF women are selfish??? Gack!


*grumble*


Confessions are good for the soul. You are not alone. I too drool over baybee things and then feel guilty.

Georgia said...

I buy cute things when I see them....and put them in a cabinet. Sometimes I feel like the crazy lady rocking the fake doll baby, but mostly I think of myself as a smart shopper. I have bought a couple maternity items too. It's not like a crazed splurge, mainly used things, just when something is particularly amazingly adorable. I consider it faith in my future, no matter what it looks like. Enjoy.

thalia said...

Oh Pru. The guilt at being pregnant I know about, but the anger at other pregnant women I didn't. But now I know why, reading this and the comments - it was very illuminating. You are you and we wouldn't change you.

statia said...

http://www.distinctivenurseries.com

You know, to add to your guilt of looking at baby stuff.

Lisa said...

Infertility takes so many things away from a person. It's sad that the positive peestick + 9 months = live healthy baby equation is never the same for us. You have every right to buy baby clothes and furniture and anything else you want without any guilt...but I know it's hard. I'm glad to hear that you've allowed a little hope to creep in - sooner or later you're going to have to admit that the odds are increasing in your favour and that you're likely going to need those baby things soon.

elle said...

Oh Pru, I know how you feel. I didn't let myself buy any maternity clothes until I was 14 wks. I didn't need them yet (and, really still don't) but GOD I wrestled with it for days. To be fair, i bought normal clothes that would be great for a pregnant woman. Maternity stores make me break out in hives.

Go nuts buying for your little one! There is no shame! Just joy! It's a wonderful, wonderful thing and you should enjoy it for as long as you have it, which I feverishly hope is for 32-ish more weeks.

Em said...

I'm jealous of people having twins! Why do I feel that way?

tania said...

Don't expect the irrational feelings that can be blamed on years of living with IF to go away anytime soon.

I spent new years with a woman who is a month farther along than I am and had to hang on to the sides of my chair with white knuckles so that I wouldn't spring over the table and choke her when she said that they "tried for two weeks" to get pregnant with both of their children. Come on!!!! Not even fertile people talk in terms of trying for weeks. And of course she knew she was pregnant right away because she was nauseous. Honey - your egg fertilized or not- was just floating down your tube. No you didn't know you were pregnant. Because you weren't quite yet. and all of us would "know' we were pregnant right away if we got pregnant the first month we tried, because we all hope we were.

See. 31 weeks along and still unable to repress IF rage.