Rather than do separate posts that will either be too short to really say much of anything, or too long to the point of extreme dullness, I like to occasionally do a compendium of randomness and shove it all into one post. Be prepared, as some of these items make reference to the dreaded "p" word, though I hope to avoid its usage. Witness.
First of all, organic food. What is your perspective? Since the events of last month, I have decided to start eating organic as far as the "important" foods are concerned - milk, eggs, meat, fruit and vegetables. I am aware that you can get anything organic these days, but I don't eat much processed food anyway, with most of my diet being composed of the above-mentioned food groups. My view is that I do not want Enid to be pumped full of synthetic hormones and pesticides in utero, and I plan on carrying out this plan for the duration of his or her young life if it gets that far. As someone with PCOS, I am very suspect that part of the reason I have it is due to the consumption of hormones and pesticides working in conjunction with my genetic predisposition to the disease. I once posed this theory on a Jesus freak PCOS board and I was banned. I still can't quite work that one out. If I can spare my child having problems induced by these yucky things, I'm willing to pay more money for the food.
My second issue is regarding a fetal doppler. The Dude is all paranoid that if we get one I will be checking for a heartbeat on the hour and then suffer from overwhelming anxiety if I can't find it. Uh, Dude. Duh. However, I suffer from severe anxiety anyway, doppler or no doppler. I'm leaning toward getting one, crying and wringing-of-hands fits be damned.
Today, in my little provincial paper, whose entertainment section is usually rife with Celebrity Big Brother coverage or interviews with local titty-baring glamour models, was a review of an upcoming work of fiction about infertility. Granted, the review is about two sentences long, but at least I know this title exists. The book is called "One Life", by Rebecca Frayne. I checked amazon.com as well, but I see no mention of it there. The synopsis given on the website made me roll my eyes and want to vomit, as it is full of generalisations and cliches. Example:
"In the struggle to conceive Rose finds herself propelled on a roller coaster ride; an obsessive quest through the emotional and ethical minefield of IVF treatment - until finally she is driven to far more desperate and unconventional measures to become the mother she so desperately wants to be."
I must be missing something in regard to IVF being an "ethical minefield". Is it? I mean, aside from in the minds of strict Catholics and fundamentalist Christians, I wasn't aware that there were any ethical dilemmas involved. I believe the author is from the UK, in which case my point is especially valid. Gung ho religious nuts don't really exist here. People just let you get on with your business and don't question how your children were conceived. Imagine.
I'm also worried about the "desperate and unconventional measures" bit. Shit, are we talking about yet another barren woman that is so distraught that she cuts out the fetus of a happy little fertile woman? As we all know, women suffering with infertility are complete fucking nutjobs constantly plotting a way in which to obtain a child by any means neccessary. There is not a rational mind among us.
The synopsis ends with a statement alluding to the idea that having a child is THE most basic compulsion for women. All women want to have kids. Every single one of them. When you pare women down to their most basic element, it is the need to breed. Four years of IF treatment and I can quite assuredly tell you that wanting to be a mother is not the very core of my being. Yes, it's something I want, but I would hardly call it my "basic compulsion". I don't imagine most of you would either. That said, I'll still read the book when it comes out. I might only get to the point where the crazed, wild-eyed infertile grabs a carving knife and lunges at the nearest pregnant stomach before I shout at it in disgust, but I'll give it a go.
My final issue of the day concerns this blog. I know I keep going on about it, but I am sincerely bothered by my place in the IF sphere now. I keep going back and forth as to whether to continue, and I think for now I'll stay. This is hardly a new issue for anyone that finds themselves in this position, but I think it is difficult to deal with nonetheless. I don't like to think that some of the people who have read this blog in the past year have now left. I don't like thinking that my happiness has caused them pain. If I'm being honest, part of me feels unapologetic, because as I said not very nicely a few posts ago, I do deserve this. It is not to say in anyway that others do not, but the baffling thing in all of this is that a successful pregnancy is what a lot of us are aiming for. The support is there when everything is hopeless and there is one negative test after another, but a lot of that support ends as soon as there is finally a way out of this miserable IF existence.
I know reading of yet another pregnancy is hurtful. I cannot emphasise enough the sadness I felt when a new one in the IF blogosphere was announced. I was, and still am, jealous of the IF women that managed to successfully get pregnant naturally. I hate the fact that I spent four wasted years achieving nothing and it took an IVF, not unmedicated sex with my husband to give us a glimpse of what we could have. I am a bitter person, admittedly. This experience will never leave me, and I will certainly not forget what all of us have to go through to get pregnant. I was discussing this issue with The Dude, and he said that I wasn't part of the IF crowd anymore, at least not as long as Enid still hangs around. I tried to be rational, but it ended in just another flood of tears because I don't want to leave. I don't want to move on to the other group. That isn't me. I know nothing about babies or children. I don't have a yearning to know much either. I feel much more comfortable wearing my IF hat and being amongst IF women. I have identified with being an infertile woman since I came off the Pill in Dec 2001, and it is a difficult identity to shed. I want to be on both sides, but more and more I'm realising how impossible that will be.