What can I say about my body that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?

...It's bombed out and depleted. First person to tell me correctly where that line is from (though slightly modified to suit my own needs) gets a free shot in the ass with the drug of their choice. Keep it legal though, I have to maintain some sense of decorum here.

Week one of Metformin has proven to be largely uneventful, despite the daily presence of nausea. It's bizarre though...rather than a constant block of nausea, it comes in waves. One minute I'm ready to lay flat on the floor at work and allow death to take over, and the next I'm back to my sending-private-emails-from-work, hating-my-colleague's-infernal-crisps-chomping self. I'm not complaining, because I'd much rather it be that way than feeling upchucky all the time. However, Metformin did deprive me of my usual enjoyment of the absolutely divine Chinese food from the restaurant down the street on Friday night. I get so little pleasure out of life at the moment, and Met just could not let me savour my Beef with ginger and spring onions without driving me to the sofa in nausea-induced agony. Cheers.

I've been doing some thinking lately, and yes, my head does hurt. This thinking has lead me to the full acknowledgement that I am indeed royally fucked up in the head. As you well know, I anticipated starting IVF this month prior to Dr WHYBAML's arrival from the heavens on his trusty white steed. Though the first notion of IVF terrified me, I quickly warmed to the idea as much as someone in my position could. Once Dr WHYBAML suggested trying one last thing before moving on to IVF I was...wait for it...a bit disappointed.

There are a couple of reasons for this. Primarily, IVF has a higher success rate than yet another IUI and mama is sick of disappointment. I'm not entirely convinced that IUI is not an utter waste of time, but as I am now on a new medicinal regimen, I'll give Dr WHYBAML the benefit of the doubt. Who knows, maybe this one will work and I'll have to endlessly praise the procedure that is IUI and apologise to it for all the nasty things that I have said about it. There, there IUI...you know I love you.

Here comes the bit that my infertility-wracked brain should not confess to. One of my first instincts about a sans-IVF treatment was that this somehow would affect my street cred. You know, like I haven't really suffered enough without having done IVF. It's likely to all be in my head, but I view the whole situation as an invisible IF strata. At the beginning, there is Clomid. In the middle, there is IUI. At the end, there is IVF. There are stages within each stratum, each carrying their own significance and all one step closer for being, in the words of the Wharvey Gals, bonafide.

When I first started reading blogs, I had just started a cycle for IUI 1. I felt as if I had been through so much already, IF neophyte that I was, and still am. I started reading blogs of women that have had numerous IVFs and realised how little I had to complain about at my relatively early stage of IF treatment. I'm simply flirting with IVF 1 I don't know how those women do it time and time again.

Naturally I'm not saying I want IVF, but what if this IUI works? I will feel like an IF lightweight. I recently read on someone's blog (apologies that I cannot remember whose) that her brother and sister-in-law recently conceived by IUI, though they kept telling people it was IVF. They got their treatments confused, rather than having some sort of need to prove themselves to IF bloggers LIKE SOME PEOPLE (uh, me). Anyway, said blogger was really annoyed at this lack of distinction, and I completely understood. I found it really irritating that people were passing of this momentary, one time cooter catheter experience with the grueling investment that is IVF. So here I am, on the cusp of IUI 4 feeling as if I have something to prove. The human psyche is an odd, odd beast.

Going off the path slightly, I shall conclude with a rather light-hearted tidbit of information. Thanks to a comment left by Julie, I had my first search for "slimy slit" the other day. I am pleased to say that I am first on google for that search, and the company which I keep is...well...colourful.


Manuela said...

I do so know exactly what you mean... I remember the huge wave of relief I felt when my RE suggested we proceed straight to IVF after my surgery. A big part of it was just wanting to get on with it... bring on the big guns... you know... let's not fart around with darts and sling-shots. BUT... there was also the part of me that felt I needed to earn my stripes... to validate all my angst and fears... to PROVE that I really have fertility issues and that I'm not just some big-ass whiner who's too impatient to just wait and get pregnant like 'normal folk'.

Now how weird is that??? I dunno where that comes from... but it IS pretty fucked.

tania said...

I too know how you feel.

When my scarred uterus was discovered by my new RE and he said I didn't have to do IVF after all, I was a bit disappointed that I might not make it to the pinnacle of IF treatments. Part of it was the fear of wasting time, but when I was honest with myself it did have to do with teh validation. IUI's were so yesterday after 15 of them.... (7 to get baby #1, 9 with my previous doc)

But thank goodness, my RE took a closer look at my record and decided that I was beyond the ol' turkey baster.

And hey, if the IUI works, you are still a valid infertile in my eyes.

See, you're not insane. Or at the very least, not alone in your insanity.

Dooneybug said...

I think it makes complete sense that you were a bit disappointed. I mean, you started preparing yourself mentally for this new path and then BAM, nope, turn around and go back.

I hope Dr. WHYBAML's plan with the met will be the secret formula that gets the IUI to work for you.

Jenn said...

I feel the same way. I've been through some shit, but not IVF...yet. Hopefully I'll be ready for IUI #5 in the fall.

K said...

It's funny, I have flirted with those thoughts as well. I tease my husband with the fact that should we be successful on this first cycle of IVF, I will feel weird around my vet friends who had to do it multiple times to get the desired result.

Is it some weird need to fit in somehow? Or that I need a badge of honor? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it's a competition. "My chances are lower than your chances". Wow, I am seriously f'ed up.

Suz said...

Here's messed up for you....I used to worry that being successful with my first IVF would put me beyond the pale and make me somehow "less" of an infertile.

But now I'm onto my second, I firmly believe that folks only have those concerns up until success and that they vanish relatively quickly with that second line. We're all in the middle of it here - one IVF or multiple IUI's or clomid...whatever. As much as folks try to quantify it, when you get down to it - the pain of infertity just can't be measured or portioned out. It's just there. As pain.

Anonymous said...

I'm posting from home so I have to sign in as anonymous. I understand completely what you mean. I felt, well, left out by not even getting to the IVF stage.

Glad to oblige on the slit remark. I can't wait to tell my friend, Kathy, who introduced me to that oh so lovely term.

How do you know that the search for those words led someone to your sight??


MM said...

Ok so I was lying in the recovery room after my surgery last week, when my doctor came over to discuss how everything had looked in there. When he first told me that my tubes weren't blocked (contrary to what another doctor had said), I was disappointed that that meant I'd have no reason to do my second IVF. How sick?? "Luckily," he quickly reminded me that I'd have to continue doing IVF anyway since my first cycle tanked from zero fertilization.

I have to think that one reason I've put so much stock in IF street cred is that even tho it sucks to be infertile, the blogosphere is full of some amazingly cool women who happen to have problems conceiving and or carrying a child to term. I dunno- maybe in my screwed up mind I was thinking if I have to go through hell to have a baby, maybe I'll somehow come out of this a more insightful, sensitive, brilliantly funny person. At least that's one way to look at it.

epitomeofgraceandperfection said...

Hey babe...can't relate, but I love the blog---something new and fresh and out-there and bold and blunt. Keep it up you infertile chica--I'll keep reading. Ciao.

T said...

Oh yeah, you're fucked (welcome to my world). As someone coming off IVF #6, you start to feel like one big ass (literally) motherfucking loser when it doesn't work again, again,chem, m/c, again, etc. It wrecks your body, your mind - your life.

IVF is sometimes the end of the road and the end of the road can be very, very scary. I so hope IUI #4 works for you.

Although you know I can't say enough about the retrieval drugs...

T said...

Hey - didn't mean to sound dismissive of your feelings on the subject and I am usually not a fan of IUI's!

PJ said...

You've expressed my inner thoughts as of late so well. Thanks for hanging out in my head. If you think your thoughts about IUI are bad, think about what I'm feeling now that my FIRST IUI worked. I was supposed to be in the trenches longer (not that 3 years isn't long enough). But I feel like a fraud. Like I have nothing to be complaining about.

Sorry the met prevented you from your favorite food. That totally sucks.

Thanks for letting me get that out. This is the biggest fraud in the IF world signing off, over and out Dame Pru and friends.

Erin said...

Hey, I wonder if we could make some sort of IF hazing ritual chart or graph. Like, if you have six IUI's, then that's the functional equivalent of 1 IVF. You could get extra points for an HSG or a gold star for a Lap.

It would be the Who's Who of Infertility. Now, there's a book to wanna be in!

Panda said...

y'know, just last night I was saying to the Monkey that I feel like we're in a war zone, stuck in the trenches on our own, fighting an enemy we cant see and not knowing if we will ever get out.

So when I read that you have the same fucked up thoughts about the IF hierarchy and "paying your dues" as I do, I realised that its not just me. We're all fucked up, but at least we're all fucked up in the same way for the same reasons.

Its IF War Syndrome.

Molly said...

SUCH a great post, Pru. It's what made not getting pregnant right away bittersweet for me -- sad that it's becoming difficult, but glad that the cool girls won't hate me now. :)

Julie said...

I'm only here for the free shot in my ass with the drug of my choice. Is this the 5 o'clock free crack giveaway? (Dave Chappelle, baby!)
I understand your feelings on the IF continuum. The whole situation bites ass, whether a couple has to endure multiple treatments of varying intensity, or sadly, have multiple loses of varying stages. You're not losing any street cred in my book.