Public enemy number one

I have been in a particularly fragile state of mind as of late, hence my distinct lack of posts. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I've got my IVF-planning consultation this Saturday, and I am constantly weighed down by the thought that all of this is a big fucking waste of time. I am by no means looking forward to the physical implications of IVF, and I know that I will deal with the emotional aspects as well as I always do when undertaking treatment -- I will cry constantly, be annoyed by the sound of my co-worker chowing down noisily on her daily pack of crisps to the point of sincere homicidal thoughts, and be unable to leave my flat on weekends. What is there not to look forward to?

The most omnipresent thought has been (surprise surprise) the financial side of treatment. We can afford a round or two, but it will quite severely cut into our savings. This is nothing new, I know, but the depressing fact is there is no way for an infertile couple to have a child without surrendering savings or becoming massively in debt. If this cycle is unsuccessful, we plan on pursuing adoption. My naive self thought that would be cheaper than carrying on with IVF, but from what I can tell it's just as expensive if not more so. Brilliant. So really, infertility fucks up your life in the obvious way, and continues to fuck you when you work hard to earn money so that you can afford a child in the first place. It fills me with the warm fuzzies, it really does.

Given this constant theme of infertility-induced depression, I have a confession to make which I hope will not be misinterpreted. It seems as if at this time I am in the depths, others have risen and achieved the perceived impossible. There has been a pronounced spike in positive pregnancy tests, and may I emphasise that I am ecstatically happy for all those wonderful women that have been through so much. I in no way resent their happiness, because as I have told some of them privately, why do we read blogs and encourage others during treatment if we begrudge them for being successful? Isn't that what we're all working toward? Nonetheless, I feel a bit left behind. I am the epitome of a cynic, as the successes do not instill me with hope, but rather make me all the more aware of how very unpregnant I am. I will not stop reading the blogs of the knocked up, because I love them dearly and want to follow their pregnancies, as I hope they will follow mine if that day ever comes. I'm just a miserable bitch that likes to wallow.

Given my recent unstable state of mind, the last thing I needed to be greeted with is the above-mentioned public enemy number one. This nemesis that I speak of came in the form of a gorgeous woman -- well-dressed, 5'10, naturally tan skin, green eyes and about 125 lbs. She is a friend of a friend and I spent quite a lot of time with her at a wedding I attended on Saturday. Not only did I feel like a short, fat troll next to this Amazonian beauty, but an immense reproductive failure as well. BWYCH (Beautiful Woman You Can't Hate) has two children, and is a year older than me at 28.

Normally I console myself when faced with such situations by thinking, "Well, I got an education rather than getting pregnant so young, surely that is good, right?" but of course BWYCH went to university as well and will soon be carrying on with postgraduate studies much like me. BWYCH: 3 (Kids = 2pts, Impossible beauty = 1 pt), Pru: 0. Not satisfied with winning three to nil, BWYCH went for my complete annihilation, as she is seriously the nicest person ever. I don't fool easily, and I can spot a fake person from the first nod where they pretend they care what you're talking about. I tried to find faults in BWYCH, but in the end I lost 4-0.

I hope I didn't bring everyone's spirits crashing to the ground with this rather cheery entry. I debate writing anything when I can't at least attempt to be humorous, because I think I just end up sounding like an angsty 15 year old, albeit an infertile 15 year old. Hopefully a viewing of Anne of Green Gables and a meeting with my old trusty Ben and Jerry's will lift me back up again so I can resume my post as lovable misanthrope instead of miserable cow.


Manuela said...

I wish I had some impeccable gem of wisdom to impart... something to parlay a rose-coloured glow into your completely understandable view of world right now... but sadly... I don't. Let me just join you in a commiserative chorus of MOOOOOO and be done with it.

Molly said...

Understood, Pru. I guess we just take it one day at a time, huh?

Anne Shirley + Gilbert Blythe 4 EVA

K said...

Ah, dontcha just love those bitches?

I too am happy for those who have recently moved on. But sometimes you do feel like you're the last woman standing. I hope your success comes soon sweetie!

PJ said...

While there have been many positives lately, there are still many more standing with you, Pru.

We will be here whether you're funny, sad, contemplative, ecstatic, depressed, opressed, etc. We will be here.

Just remember you are never alone.

MM said...

This past summer I was so depressed re: my infertile state that I went all the way to PEI to try to make sense of my life. It didn't work, but I did get to live out my 8th grade dream of seeing the place where AOGG was set. I've watched the movie twice since then. Raspberry cordial for everyone!

Nico said...

I think we all know someone like that... but I have yet to meet someone who's life is really all roses so you can amuse yourself by imagining all kinds of diabolical secrets - if she's so perfect on the outside, there's got to be something really shocking behind the facade!

Susie said...

I also love PEI. We went on our honeymoon 12 years ago. All because of those books and (especially) the movies.

I hope you are feeling stronger soon, sweetie.


Suz said...

First, I love entries like this because, as a fellow cynic, I nod through them. Not only do I understand your feeling of being left behind (I've had it myself for a while), but I know what you mean about the expense. It's quite simple really, when asked by our someday child why we can't send them to Ivy League U, we'll just reply: "What would you rather have, a college education or being born?" Besides, McDonald's is ALWAYS hiring.

Hang in there and good luck on the consult.

B. Mare said...

If it makes you feel any better, I am happy to resent BWYCH on your behalf. She is too perfect sounding, immediate cause for an illicit grudge.

LOL at Molly's comment. Anne and Gilllllllllbert!

Dooneybug said...

I know a BWYCH. I too feel like a big, fat troll standing next to her but you just can't hate her because she's one of the kindest people I've ever met. It's all very overwhelming and stressful. Just remember, we're all here for you!

T said...

Yeah - what Suz said. AND, I plan on taking the 'last infertile standing' title, so you're all good.

Ova Girl said...

Anne Of Green Gables - Tonic for all Known ills. It is actually my bedtime reading as we speak (for about the millionth time) Am up to the bit where she accidentally intoxicates Diana. ho ho ho.

I digress.
It is fucked. It is depressing. Which is why you should keep writing, because in the end it's not about making any of us feel better, it's about making you feel better and what works better at cheering oneself (aprt from a dose of A of GG) then a good snarky post.

And i'm willing to go you for that Last IF Standing title. It's already happening to me in Non Blog life.


Slug of 'raspberry cordial' anyone?

Julie said...

I feel like I shouldn't be posting to you on this but I really have to. Remember, nothing is as it seems. She may seem beautiful and perfect but she's not. I can guarantee it. The last woman I thought was all that, it turns out that her doctor millionaire husband learned how to beat a woman without leaving any marks.

Take a page of out of my mother's book (the compulsive spender)... it's only money. Once it's gone it's gone and you just go out and get more - don't sweat it!

Do a round or two if IVF - I hope it works. If not... do what we did, take out a loan, promise them your eternal soul and adopt :)

Remember - I chose THE most expensive adoption option. There are many more that either cost next to nothing (at least here in the states - foster to adopt is free) on up.


~looking around~ now who has the hooch?

Erin said...

Ah, man. I have to say I'm with Manuela on this. Let's just get together and chomp our cud. Preferrably with a cocktail first. And then, maybe another cocktail, or two.

ms pickled eggs said...

Another member of the glad for them but why the fuck is it never ever me club here.

And I guess I must have missed something, but if you adopt are you adopting from abroad? In the UK adoption is free unless you're adopting from abroad, in which case you have to pay for the home study, travel expenses etc.

Deanna said...

I'm not pregnant, I'm 32 and I have giving up TTC. So no worries my friend you are surrounded by woment just like you. Wish I could give you more words of wisdom, just wanted to not be a pregnant person for you to hear from.

WonderMama said...

I'm trying to drag myself out of the pit of self pity and depression too. I got a puppy. Its cliche, but its helping tremendously.
And I know exactly how you feel about being thrilled for pregnant bloggers, but being more and more aware of my own very un-pregnant state.
I hope Anne&Gilbert and Ben&Jerry helped a bit. I also hope knowing you aren't alone in your feelings helps a bit too.

Pamplemousse said...

I second AOGG and also recommend The Secret Garden which is on telly this weekend. It may be a remake but it is all good.

I truly believe let the miserable cow out or she will eat you from the inside. We are all here with you, Pru.