Riiight...where did I put my crossbow?

Though I suspect it is not wise to air in a public forum such as this that I would gain immense joy from inflicting pain on others, I will brush that aside for the moment. Today while browsing one of my favourite blogs, Gawker, I clicked on a link that had Metformin already not made me feel a bit porcelain bowl-happy, would have surely done the trick.

Somewhere in this great wide world, there is a human being who presumably has had their brain sucked out of their head with a straw, thus depriving them of common sense and basic dignity. Who is this person, you say? No, not TomKat (which, let's face it, are now one and the above description does apply)...no, not Bea Arthur. I'm talking about the person that created a blog about Kimora Lee Simmons.

For those that perhaps have lives and do not subsist on a steady diet of IF and gossip blogs as I do, she is the wife of Def Comedy Jam CEO, Russell Simmons. She has started a line of clothing called Baby Phat, and was allegedly a "model", though with her chipmunk face and a man's physique I'm at a loss as to what she could have actually modeled. Anyway, I think she is the single most self-absorbed, arrogant, deluded bitch I've ever had the displeasure of reading about and viewing on television. I would venture to say that she is...prepare yourselves...worse than Paris Hilton, and that's a whole lotta bad.

Anyway, on this blog devoted to the train wreck that is Kimora Lee Simmons, there are some quotes from her that made me want to gouge out her eyes with her own acrylic fingernails. Witness this little excerpt, which is in response to a Vanity Fair article that allegedly cast her in a most unflattering light:

"Do all the kids I'm trying to help, who I open my home up to, do they think I'm selfish? Do the several children I am trying to adopt think I'm selfish?"

I like this one too, which spilled out of the Great Philanthropist's mouth after donating $75K to a GBT high school in NYC...

"I love the cause, because these kids have come up in a way that they weren't really understood. ...These are kids who are naturally fashionable and they just inspire me to do so much,"

Quote 1: Who is she, Angelina Fucking Jolie? Is she assembling a little United Nations of poor, impoverished children to adopt simultaneously to help take up some of that empty space in her 64000 square foot house (no exaggeration there by the way)? Oh, bless her little kind heart for adopting "several" kids and ushering them into a materialistic world devoid of love and affection. She should have been the new Pope.

Quote 2: I like this one...No sweeping generalisations there! You know those gayz, they're always so fashionable! You know, because they're GAY. Homosexuality clearly translates to good fashion sense. How delightfully 80s of her.

Ok, my rant is done now. Now for the fun stuff: odd searches that have led people to my lovely little internet home.

1. Your Mom goes to college: No, she does not, but mad props for the Napoleon reference! My brother and I say this to each other sometimes in Kip's voice, and I regret that I can not share this with him. So sad.

2. Nyquil causing fertility: Shit, does it? Really? I'm the biggest 'quil head in the land and still ain't no babies coming out of this oven! I'm a total Nyquil junkie, so if this were true you'd think something would have happened by now. On a related note, is it ok to knock back the occasional cup 'o' Nyquil whilst on Metformin? Yay or nay? I'm hoping yay because people, I don't drink...I need something to get me through the tough times.

3. My cooter: I get this search all the time. I still can't figure out...are they looking for my cooter or their cooter? Also, do they want pictures, or just descriptive words? Note to these searchers, it's bloody fantastic and no, no pictures. I only provide those to my special friends on Christmas Cards. Merry Christmas from Pru's Cooter.

4. You reproduced: Did I? When? Back in my drinking days I did pass out a couple of times and wake up a bit sore, but unless there was a rapid 9 month gestation in the space of about 12 hours I'm stumped. When do I get to met my child, or is it childREN? Also, how did you know that by typing in "you reproduced" that you would find me via Google and then my statcounter would save the search? I feel like the Ed McMahon of the internets has found me!

Jesus, I am dull as fuck.