Happy days are here again

You know, because I'm back and all. Back from the land of bulk shopping and rude drivers, back to blogging again. I've felt so alienated in the past month - no comments for unwritten posts, very scant blog reading, existing in a world which largely doesn't include blogs. Except, except...

I met my Cheese Wife! Cheese Aunt to my firstborn, Molly, otherwise known as Mollywogger! Owner of a great rack and an even better sense of humour. A tiny, tiny little whirlwind of red hair and may I say rather pleasing personal scent (thanks to her assload of BPAL oils). I was afraid the poor dear probably thought I wanted to eat her, given her cute petite frame and my gargantuan status in comparison. Seriously, in our photos together I look like I might envelop her in a wave of boob and fat rolls, my chubby face looming over her like a satanic moon.

Enough self-deprecating for now, let's talk about the visit. Molly is a bold soul, willing to fly to Pennsylvania to stay in the house which is a known hangout of the Brain Trust. Sadly for her she was only able to meet two members of the Trust, my Mom, and Ralph. Perhaps the most unstable member of the Trust, my Aunt Florence, who I named randomly for blogging purposes and then realised that she is then Aunt Flo, which is quite possibly the dumbest fucking term for a period ever. Anyway, Flo up and had a heart attack and emergency open heart surgery as mentioned in my previous post, thus putting her out of commission for Molly to witness a full meeting of the Brain Trust in person. Shame. Oh, the stories she then could have told...

I was going to approach this chronologically, but as it has been about a month since her visit and I can't even remember what day of the week today is, I'll just stick with some memorable events.

Molly is an archivist in training, or perhaps she considers herself an archivist currently, I'm not quite sure. Either way, she loves old shit, and guess what? So do I. I cannot emphasise how thrilled I was to be in the company of someone who enjoys driving around looking for old houses, designated "house porn" by me since I have to make everything dirty and rude. Poor old P. was stuck in the back of the car on these missions, most likely chewing on her pacifier and hoping that she turns out more like her Dad. We went to Gettysburg, hopping in and out of the car to take random photos of memorials to those from MN and WI to fight in the Civil War. I barely even consider them states now, let alone the years 1861 - 1865. Heh.

Molly mentioned on her blog (password protected now because she lives in shadow) that we sat around one evening looking at a WWII scrapbook I got off eBay and watched PBS. I can testify that this is totally true, as we are quite possibly the biggest nerds alive. We excitedly passed WWII letters back and forth to each other until midnight, giggling at the old-fashioned phrases often used by the writers. It gets even more tragic when you realise that this was an ideal night in for both Molly and myself. We wouldn't have spent it any other way.

On her own blog Molly mentioned a trip to Denny's with The Dude and P, but failed to mention that the waiter was so very warm for her form. I was just waiting for them to swipe the table of its Moons Over My Hammy and Very Very Cherry drinks and just get it on right there in front of all the old gits and young families. The sexual tension was thick and the flirtation rather scandalous. Molly probably hates me right about now for mentioning this experience, as the waiter was not a Clive Owen lookalike, but rather a stumpy, sweaty little cretin with an attitude problem and far too much enthusiasm for waiting tables at Denny's. Seriously people, he gave my husband a high five for being English. The Dude was confused at this outburst of American gusto, but gave in eventually and reluctantly high-fived the poor loser. By this time Molly needed a change of panties so we totally needed to get out of there.

Lest you think that was all the fun we had, oh no! My Mom threw a retirement party for herself at the house, signalling the arrival of a couple dozen menopausal/post-menopausal women. We tried to hide upstairs in the TV room, but the need for sustenance forced us downstairs to the gathering of crones. Confusion abounded, as it is wont to do in a room full of people of a certain age. Molly was referred to as Cheese "Hand" instead of Cheese Aunt, a mix up which will continue to entertain me until I'm too old to remember it. Just thinking of Molly with one hand made of smoked gouda makes me chuckle. Next there was the person who thought she was me, expressing, "Wow, you've really changed since I last saw you". I would guess so. Anyone who has been to Molly's blog and has seen photographic proof of our visit will tell you that we don't look remotely alike.

Another woman in attendance fancied herself a sassy, risque kind of late 40-something, failing to realise that it came off as pathetic and kind of gross, not in fact cool. When told Molly lives in Wisconsin, said woman loudly shrieked, "I had pasta shaped like penises there! Do you know you can get that??" Poor Molly made a quick exit, hand made of cheese and all. I found out later this woman has a habit of trying to shock, regaling my brother with tales of how she used to "fuck" (her words, not mine sensitive readers) one of her professors in college. Note to self, though you may be bold now on your blog when you're still in your 20s, refrain from carrying on such behaviour when you're the very wrong side of 40.

Unfortunately Molly's visit had to come to an end, even if I did want to just pop her in my pocket and take her home to England with me. It was fabulous to finally meet her after all these years of internet flattery and talk of boobage. I was also supposed to meet a handful of other bloggers, but Flo's heart attack scuppered those plans completely, selfish Flo. I have some hilarious post-op stories about Flo (no, really), which will hopefully be relayed in the next post. I got a few harassing emails from Statia, all "what the fuck" and whatnot, even after I relayed the heart attack tale. That girl wants to meet me, and I her, but seriously, keep the adoration within legal stalking parameters will you? I was also supposed to meet up with dear Millie, a blogger whose story I have been reading for ages, but we were never able to connect. We spoke on the phone fleetingly, and her poor husband had to endure a brief nonsensical conversation with me earlier as Millie was driving. Millie's husband, my apologies for my extreme scattiness and general weirdness. You're probably grateful your wife and I never met up after all.

So that's my Central PA and blogger-meeting summary. I wish it had been a bit more diverse, but I can at least thank little baby Jesus that I was able to meet my Cheese Hand, er...Wife.


I've just recently decided that I hate Yahoo like I hated Hotmail before it, and I'm joining this century and moving to gmail. I can now be found at BarrenAlbion at gmail dot com. No need to remember this little tidbit - it's over yonder in the sidebar when you need it. Because, you know, I get so very much email.


Anonymous said...

God, you make it seem like a heart attack is important or something.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had a Cheese Hand. Although I am hot for old things too, I'd love a Cheese hand that would discuss space travel and astronomy with me. That would be so awesome.

But hey, back to you! (Since this is your blog and all...) I'm gald you had a good time whilst visiting the US. I find hilariously awesome that The Dude got high-fived for being English. Ah, America. Full of class.

And I'm glad you're back, too. :-)

(PS~ I used to read Molly before she fell off the face of the earth. I didn't know she'd gone PWP. Any chance you'd put in a good word for me with her so I can start reading her again.)

Anonymous said...

I wanted to meet too but, I guess I rank with Statia below heart attack :)

PiquantMolly said...

May I address this point by point?

Point the first: Quit fucking complaining about your "wave of boob and fat rolls," because you well know that you are a gorgeous, voluptuous woman that I could hardly keep my hands off of;

Point the second: I saw enough Brain Trust weirdness the evening we stepped outside on your mother's side porch and saw Ralph standing next door with your neighbor, who was holding and gently stroking a ferret;

Point the third: Just because every effing monument in Gettysburg was to New York, Pennsylvania, or Virginia doesn't mean that Minnesota and Wisconsin aren't lovely states;

Point the fourth: That night of scrapbook browsing and PBS is one of my favorites in my life;

Point the fifth: THERE WAS NO FUCKING SEXUAL TENSION AT DENNY'S. I just happened to display my usual charm (read: blunt sarcasm) which young (young!) Denny's lad commented on, and I congratulated him for realizing that a dry sense of humor is a gift of the gods;

Point the sixth: If only you crazy Pennsylvanians would pronounce "aunt" so that it rhymed with "daunt" like this good Minnesotan, the Cheese Hand confusion (and resulting dairy-like appendage) would never have come to pass;

Point the seventh: You wouldn't want to pop me in your pocket lately, as I've gained 15 lbs. in the past two months and I would probably seriously strain your seams; and

Point the eighth: I miss you. Want you stop by Wisconsin and check out some of the cheese firsthand?

Anonymous said...

I second Molly's visit Wisconsin suggestion, primarily because Wisconsin is RIGHT NEXT TO MINNESOTA. We have old things here, too. And underaged Denny's employees for Molly.

electriclady said...

OK, what did we talk about with the fat comments? Consider yourself virtually smacked upside the head.

tonya said...

I wish I had me one of them thar cheese hands... or wives. Either way!

rockmama said...

Welcome back to the other side of the pond! I promise, that when we finally meet, I will not high five you for being American.

Sami said...

Welcome back! I've been bad about commenting, but I do read... It sounds like you had fun. Sorry to hear Molly is password protected now... I wondered what happened to her.

Cat said...

You had me at Satanic Moon. =)

Amyesq said...

Welcome back. Don't worry about not meeting Statia and Millie. They're not all that hot. PSYCHE! I have met them and they ARE hot. So too bad for you!

In all seriousness, glad you had a good trip and now I wanna meet Molly, too. As long as she doesn't stand next to me in her tininess.

Twisted Ovaries said...

Does this mean my snarky email isn't getting to you, as I've been using your old address? Because seriously, sister, if I can't make fun of people with you, whaddamIgonnado?