9/02/2005

If you email him, it will come

My period has been so kind as to introduce itself to a new prompt -- no longer does it feel the need to make its arrival 5 minutes after a negative test like the good ol' days. Now it likes to wait until I've emailed WHYBAML a rather long-winded tome in which I apologise many times for bothering him, and proceed to write about three paragraphs for something that could likely be summarised in a few words. No sooner did my eyes scan WHYBAML's reply than I felt the uterine lining release all its pent up frustration.

I reacted in the way that any normal infertile would sigh upon this happening. I sighed. Heavily. I haven't cried yet, despite listening to copious amounts of Jeff Buckley, late Johnny Cash, and Iron and Wine. Coincidentally, my Zen (MP3 player) must be sensing my mood, as it has only been playing depressing music for me on random. It's so kind.

I feel empty, not as if I even have the potential of crying. I feel as if the children we always hypothesise about are becoming less and less real with each failed cycle. As I've said many times before, I don't like other peoples' children. I think, well, I know, I would be that woman that says she only likes her own children, even once she's had children and is supposed to be oozing with the maternal. Seeing pregnant women and children does not make me think, "Awww...I want one of those for me, so cute!", but rather makes me think of all those qualities and features that the specific children of ours, the ones we have talked about at great length, would have that may never come to fruition. I don't see my children in them, I'm just envious that they likely came to be in such a simple, non-complicated manner and I will never have that luxury.

Today I did something I've never done before; I could not finish reading a blog of a newly pregnant woman. I usually remain non-plussed and happy for their success, but that just isn't happening today. It's the blog of someone who doesn't read mine, so all you new pregnants don't worry, it's not you. I just could not stomach all the "Yippee...I'm 6 weeks pregnant and going to Babies 'r Us tonight!" attitude. People like this get pregnant, while people like me sit in the back of the class listening to The Smiths on constant playback.

30 comments:

luminista said...

Babies R Us at 6 weeks? I would feel freaked out going to BRU at 26 weeks.

I know how you feel.

We all love you.

thalia said...

Cool. We can add to the list of:
- buy a pregnancy test
- pee on a stick
- wear white underwear
- get on a plane
- delay buying the meds for the next cycle just in case
- go to your best friend's party the night before and don't drink a drop
Now, a new one
- email your RE and ask him where the fuck is your period????

What a bummer. Did you email WHYBAML back to tell him no worries?

Lost children, boy how do I identify. I look up the potential birth dates each month and think about what kind of birthday parties we'd throw for them. I'm a basket case.

Manuela said...

Fuck.

Molly said...

Oh shit, Pru. I'm sorry, girl.

LEB said...

I'm sorry.

There's isn't much else to say, but I'm sorry it didn't work.

kiwi said...

I'm sorry Pru...

Dooneybug said...

Sometimes I torment myself and look at the BRU website and see how far in advance people register. It's amazing really. Those are the people who go through life thinking nothing bad ever happens.

I'm so sorry Pru. This absolutely sucks so bad. Every cycle that goes by I too wonder if I'll ever see a baby that hubby and I have made. It's rough girl, but you're not alone.

Jenn said...

I'm sorry. That sucks. Could you e-mail him and ask where mine is now?

Emma B. said...

Oh, Pru, I hate that.

Susie said...

I am sorry, Pru. It's so tough to go through this again and again.

K said...

I'm so sorry!

Jen said...

Thinking of you...

Panda said...

fuckitty fuckitty fuck.

What is wrong with the goddamn universe at the moment? I'm so sorry this has happened Pru.

And who the hell goes to Babies R Us at 6weeks? Oh...she must be one of those types that just looked at her husband...

WonderMama said...

I'm so sorry Pru. None of this shit is fair at all.
Don't feel bad about not reading the newly preg. blog. I quit reading them after my last miscarriage. When I see the "I'm pregnant" post, I'm happy for them, then I immediately delete them from my bloglines. Not because I'm a bitch, but because I'm fragile.
Its ok to admit that we're fragile. Don't read them if they hurt you.

ms pickled eggs said...

Oh arsebiscuits! I'm sorry it didn't work. Do you want to share my secret stash of Solpodol? (I cadged them off a workmate with back pain.) I hear they're pretty good mixed with a nice G&T.

I have to admit that I rarely read pregnancy blogs. Partly because I'm jealous, bitter and barren and partly because I just don't relate to them at all.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Pru. I understand (heavy sigh).

Babies R Us at 6 weeks? Oh, one of THOSE.

Emily

PJ said...

So sorry Pru. I was so holding out hope for you.

And baby shopping at 6 weeks, is she insane?!?! She must not have been IF for long. That's just crazy talk.

Kath said...

I'm so sorry, Pru. This is one gigantic mindfuck.

And the longer this process goes on, the more is lost. Not just hope. Not just peace of mind. The emptiness becomes all-consuming.

Like you, it's not pregnant women I can't bear any more, it's oblivious pregnant women. (Not to mention hubristic pregnant women -- I even know one of those.) It consumes me with envy and rage. And I hate that I've become like this.

MC said...

Fuck. Sorry to hear your news.

tania said...

So sorry, Pru.

I totally understand if you don't read my blog. I know how sad it is. I'll be here following you regardless.

And I totally understand how you feel about other people's children. I feel the same way, thus I try really hard not to be one of those people who are always making others watch their children do tricks. barf.

Take care of yourself, sweety.

Julie said...

Pru, I'm so sorry my friend.

Fuck!

Ova Girl said...

I know that feeling so well, the children we might have had. Sometimes I see their faces in crowds. It's heartbreaking. I'm sorry.

Em said...

Babies R us? I could use a lot of really bad language at the moment but I won't because I am really trying to swear less.

Suz said...

I'm so so sorry...and if I EVER EVER get like that, you can kick me. Really, just a good sharp one to the virtual shins. For what it's worth, I would have stopped reading too.

Vacant Uterus said...

I'm so, so sorry, Pru. How painful for you and The Dude. You've been in my thoughts the past week (no internet access...so frustrating!) Wish I could say soemthing to make it better...

mm said...

Glad the Crimson Bitch finally sauntered back home. Your not being able to read a pregnant blogger's blog? Understandable. In fact, I took two such blogs off my blogroll a few days ago. Sometimes you just can't go there.

elle said...

Oh shit, sorry hon. Ripely sucks. I had to chuckle a little bit to the music references. I actually made a series of tapes when I was in college called "deep depression & despair" - they are sad as shit (lots of Smiths, of course, but pre-Jeff Buckley - though I do have all his albums & spin-offs). There is something to it I think, not feeling so alone in the universe. I know how you feel & I'm sorry you have to go there.

Nico said...

Shit. I was hoping that a fricking IUI would work for *someone*. I know they must, otherwise they wouldn't do them, but it does seem like a waste of time.

amyesq said...

Well, fuck. That sucks the big one. Hang in there.

April said...

A dreaded sunny day and all.

Pru - I'm with you and I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry.