9/20/2005

Dodging the bullet

Question: What is worse than yet *another* unsuspecting drive-by at work?

Answer: A secondary source drive-by via email at 3am when you have been staring blankly at a computer screen (with some intermittent typing) for 18 hours and are starting to hallucinate. I rubbed my eyes but the text remained the same: "She did not look as if she was in the condition to be pushing a shopping cart." Innocuous enough, perhaps, but...but...

The person that was being spoken of is an ex-associate at the large bookstore I often speak of. Satan incarnate in the form of a young Martha Stewart. I'm talking Gap on speed -- khakis all day, every day, conservative jewellery, modest yet stylish sandals, and the piece de resistance: the ever-present sweater carefully draped on her shoulders and knotted. When she would sport this look I'd put on my posh "old money" voice and say to my co-worker (and current spy), "Dahling...that look is so Martha's Vineyard circa 1986."

Yes, she could be forgiven for her sincere crimes against fashion. However, you must know that anyone who dresses like this also is in severe need of behaviour modification by way of electroshock therapy or thumb screws. Young Martha's hair was always perfectly curled and coifed, and she had a predisposition to exaggerated facial expressions. Lots of looks of wide-eyed wonderment, mouth agape, and that limp-wristed "Oh I don't belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it" motion of the arm that the dramatic often utilise.

Naturally Young Martha loved children. In fact, she was going to college to be a first grade teacher. My belief was that she pursued this career because anything past that level would be a bit too mentally trying for her. I often despaired for the children that would be taught by this vacuous puffhead. Young Martha supervised the Children's section of not Barnes and Noble and delighted in speaking in apparent child-friendly voices during story time, naturally making full use of wide eyes and mock surprise.

My favourite Young Martha story occurred soon after my second and "real" wedding to The Dude. I have never been the type to fantasise about my own wedding. I had a beautiful dress and was able to get married in a 13th century church. That's all I needed. We had a very small reception with no frills and we left for our honeymoon in Lille within a couple of hours of arriving at the reception venue. I was drunk and don't even know what our family did after we left, nor did I care. Anyway...when I got back to work post-marriage, I was showing my photographs to my co-workers, most of whom were polite enough to "oooo" and "ahhhh" in the right places. Not Young Martha. Young Martha, who was in the early stages of planning her own preppy hell country club wedding said, "Oh Pru, I wish I could not put any effort into my wedding. I've been stressing out majorly when all you've done is show up. I wish I could have the courage to do that." Bitch.

So back to the drive-by in question. Deflated, I emailed my source and asked if he was in fact insinuating that Young Martha has found herself with child. I anxiously awaited his reply and this infertile for once, has not been dealt a swift kick to her polycystic ovaries by the powers that be this day. Young Martha is not pregnant. She's. just. really. fat. As my friend said, "It seems she is following a high carb diet." I really shouldn't be this pleased. The stars have realigned, if only for a moment, and this made me smile. I am the definition of evil.

19 comments:

Holly said...

Hey, new reader here.

Given the fact that I've dubbed it "Baby Boom '05", I'm smugly happy for you (and all the other infertile's) that Fat Martha isn't pregnant.

MC said...

At last one of us gets a break. Too good, an annoying cow that's just gone to fat and not offending infertiles with a pregnancy.

ms pickled eggs said...

Would you like me to send Martha some of my home baked blueberry muffins? If we get her chubby enough she probably won't ovulate and so won't be able to lap us all. Or is that too evil?

Lindy said...

That is fan-f-ing-tastic. Seriously, I love it. And her comment about your wedding (which sounds perfect, by the way). Priceless.

K said...

ha ha! I can't help but laugh at the expense of bitchy girl "perfect" turned fat!

mm said...

Infertiles: 1. Bitchy cows: 0. (Oh thank God you're going to Hell. This way I'll have company.)

Dooneybug said...

BWAAAHAAAAAA! Priceless, a gem really!

thalia said...

Sadly I have to amend mm's comment to say:

Infertiles: 1, Fertile bitches:2009876585884

Sorry, just feeling hard done by today. Do you think we could put some special fat juice into their coffee or something? Being as how we're not allowed to drink it because it's obviously that that's keeping us from getting pregnant? No?

Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

Vacant Uterus said...

Muwahaha! Perfect! May every other fertile we know blow up like balloons.

Julie said...

Oh sister, how you lucked out! I found out at my 20th high school reunion this weekend that my former best friend turned psycho from hell is not only pregnant... but with twins! I'm 99.99% sure that it was through IF treatment because she had really bad endo.

PJ said...

Excellent news. My how the mighty have fallen.

Molly said...

Just me, Pru, and mm, sitting in our private little corner of hell.

Anyone else care to join us?

Suz said...

That's awesome. Just fat.

cat said...

If you are evil then we are all going to hell. Thanks for the laugh.

tania said...

Hi-Larious!

(Unless of course Young Martha is getting fat because she's struggling with infertility.....) Then it will be kind of sad I suppose.

T said...

I've been in hell for the last few years - not all that bad. At least the wine is good.

Uh - can I hear more about this 13th cty church?

Manuela said...

Yay! Score one for Satan!

Or... as one alphabetically challenged tagger recently sprayed on the door of a church I drive past every day... Satin Rules! Actually... I personally find that it makes me look rather lumpy... but... you know... whatever.

Anonymous said...

Well, if being gleeful is going to hell, then you guys have one more member to entertain you.

I say we all send Martha some homebaked treats...in um, sympathy.

I know lots of someones like this, those with the 'exaggerated' expressions. I hate that. May they all get 'just fat'.

Kiss.

Emily

amyesq said...

There is justice in this world, sometimes. Too bad you can't "accidentally" run into her and exclaim, "Oh, I sure wish I had the courage to put no effort whatsoever into maintaining my appearance and figure! You are so brave!"