I am home sick today, please pity me. I was fine all day yesterday, then suddenly at about 11pm a physiological rebellion was staged and the end product was me cuddling the toilet and whispering sweet nothings into its bowl. It wasn't so much, "Awww...baby you're so hot" as it was "It is times like these I realise I should clean you more often." There was a wave of concern at work when I phoned in, which was a nice feeling. Warm fuzzies quickly turned into emission of hateful death rays when I said why I wouldn't be in and was met with three (yes, three), "Oh! Maybe you're pregnant!" comments. Fuckwads. If I was capable of projecting fatal brain shocks via telepathy I would have done so. Instead, I was reduced to muttering, "No, I don't...just, err...no."
As a child, the definition of staying home sick was not being able to leave my bed, as ordained by my mom. Her belief was that if you were too sick to go to school, you are too sick to watch TV. I still don't understand that reasoning, nor do I think I ever will. So, in an act of bold rebellion, I have not been in my bed since 9.30am. Since then, I have watched TV, consumed way too many pretzels, and virtually stalked former classmates and co-workers.
"Stalking?" you say, ears perked up. Though most will deny the ease with which the internet has catered to our more...curious inclinations, who hasn't googled old boyfriends and former friends from high school? I take this shit up a notch though -- I go straight to Friendster and Myspace. I search results for my high school and I've come up with some preeeety interesting stuff. Please note, I still google as well. Please...I'm a professional.
Case one: Nerdy guy from high school who was in the Boy Scouts right up to graduation. Hell, perhaps even he's still a scout, I don't know. Now he has created a profile of himself, buff, shirtless and grinning like a fool on Friendster. His pose is worrisome, as it looks straight out of a gay porno, though he claims to be looking for single women. For what? Shopping buddies?
Case two: An old friend from high school, though I totally fired her ass from friendship about 4 years ago and wished her eternal pain and damnation from that day forward. I worked at a bookstore, and she walked in one day with her then-boyfriend. Upon seeing me, but not aware that I also saw her, she quickly darted behind her boyfriend and utilised him as a shield! I was completely appalled, because despite the apparent outgoing personality I have on this blog, I'm a social retard. I don't want to talk to people anyway, so she really needn't have hidden. I am not one to conduct awkward conversations, so for future reference, no one needs to hide from me if they see me out and about. I probably don't want to speak to you as it is!
So anyway...I found this bitch's profile on Myspace. Last I'd heard she had this massive, pricey, country club wedding (thanks Dr Mom and Dr Dad) and was hoping to get pregnant right away, like you do. I saw her wedding photos through a mutual friend, and I must admit I was ecstatic to see she lost too much weight, leaving her looking like a lollipop stuck in meringue. Due to this weight loss, her face also aged about 10 years. Ha. Back to this profile...there is a segment for marital status, for which she put single. I asked around, and as luck would have it, she's in the midst of quite a messy divorce....at the ripe old age of 26. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Case three: Occurred today. I used to work with a girl I despised at the bookstore mentioned earlier, we shall call her Miss Upherownass. She was shockingly self-obsessed, and always spoke about how highly intelligent she viewed herself to be. Miss Upherownass perceived herself as a political rebel, a "libertarian" that wasn't afraid to speak her mind in a conservative area such as Central Pennsylvania. She sought kudos for being so progressive, as if she deserved a big ol' pat on the back for not being Republican.
I found her profile on Myspace today, and now I'm terrified. There is a blog section of members' profiles and I found myself riveted. I couldn't get enough! The other sad thing is, based on her biography, she is me! We have the exact same interests in many cases: we like the same movies, tv shows and music. I'm scared. I know I'm going to have to read it again tomorrow. I need to. Please let me read it. In case you are interested, Miss Upherownass has not changed much. Her profile is littered with pictures of herself pouting, pushing her boobs together, looking coyly at the camera. In some of them she's wearing a pearl necklace (not that kind of pearl necklace you big pervs) and pearl earrings. Guess she's not too far off being Republican after all.