2/15/2005

Porn and nail polish

Tomorrow is the day of reckoning -- IUI #2. Well, I suppose technically that makes two weeks from now the day/period of reckoning. I have just painted my toenails a lovely deep red, which is a vast improvement to the chipped pink I've been sporting solely on my big toes' nails for about 5 months now. Who would have thought chipped nail polish could last for so long? I don't believe GLCP or junior wandmonkey will be interested in the colour of my toenails, but I feel slightly better groomed now.

The Dude has just propositioned me, and lest anyone think that I'll be getting a little non-conception geared action, it was to download him some porn in preparation for his contribution to tomorrow's affairs. The hospital has its own room of carnality, but he doesn't feel comfortable going into a small room to partake of the hospital's meager porn offerings. He's fearful of the knowing glances any nearby nurses would give him when he clutching his little plastic cup of joy with white-knuckled nervousness.

Instead I get to browse for porn that I think will get the job done, lucky me. I am very choosy, which is quite sad of me I know. I download clips and preview them before passing them on to my husband to use as wank fodder. My rationale is that if we manage to produce a child, it's bad enough it has to be in such a sterile, unemotional fashion. I might as well ensure that the porn does not go against my basic rules:

1) No girl on girl action. I'm fully supportive of real life lesbianism or bisexuality, but fake bisexuality so a man can get off is insulting.

2) No 40GGs. That's so not hot. As I find it disgusting, The Dude will as well.

3) The uglier the actress(es) the better. Unfortunately there aren't many buck-toothed, cross-eyed humpbacks in porn. Damn.

4) Limited exposure to women that seem to be enjoying themselves too much. Please. Jizz on the face is not the height of a woman's sexual satisfaction. The more men see things like this, the more they believe it to be true.

5) No cheerleaders. I've had a moral objection to them since my early teens and there is no way I'm letting my husband be turned on by those evil bimbo succubuses.

That said, I'm off to be my husband's porn pimp -- one of infertility's many blessings in disguise.

5 comments:

Suz said...

From one porn pimp to another, I know how you feel. Women are just so much more descriminating about these things than men! For all my VAST experience, though, I have no idea what a 40GG is. Pray tell? Or will I be sorry for asking?

And my fingers are crossed for the IUI tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best!

deborah said...

Hmmm...I assumed 40GGs were a pair of ginormous breasts. But maybe you've got something even worse over there in England?

Make sure to ask your RE if it was "good for him" after your IUI. They like that.

MsPrufrock said...

Nothing like a little porn talk to coax out the comment leavers! Anyway, I was referring to big big boobies. As for having something worse here in England, I wonder what that means...

DeadBug said...

OK, you're just killing me with this one. My husband would curl up in a ball and DIE before admitting to watching porn, much less have me participate in its procurement. Sometimes I tease him with offers to TiVo a little free soft-core stuff from late-night HBO just to see him turn bright red. He's not sexually shy in other ways--where, oh, WHERE did he get this inhibition?!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Thoroughly enjoying, albeit slowly, your archives. I might catch up with the present day by 2009. Ish.

My friend had a porn DVD in her possession briefly (a fair while back) that she claimed starred a troupe of midgets. (I SWEAR this is right, but she now denies all knowledge!) She borrowed a job lot of porn from another mate, and this little gem was lurking. I did cadge a loan of some of the other discs, and they were generally of people who scared me even with their clothes ON. Buck-teeth & cross-eyes a-plenty, shame I didn't know you then!

God bless the internet. Never again will I have to suffer mystery-pot-luck porn!