2/14/2005

Infertilis terribilis

Last month I mentioned a former co-worker and her astounding fertility. I got an email at work the other day to say that she has since miscarried, which, according to her, is her body's way of saying she needs to slow down. That said, she will now wait until the summer months to try again. If last time is any indication she will be pregnant by Independence Day I imagine.

I know I'm supposed to feel horrible for her, but my first thought was "See...it isn't always easy!". I have always been a pessimist, and I unfairly presume that others should be as well. I feel as if she shouldn't have expected to get pregnant right away because life doesn't just fall into place like that. I am not happy that she miscarried, as I would certainly not wish that on anyone. But I am, shamefully, pleased that she is now enlightened to the fact that achieving pregnancy isn't always simple. Perhaps now she'll stop being a Smug Fertile and realise that sometimes something as seemingly basic as pregnancy does not happen flawlessly all the time.

I don't assume that everyone reading this can commiserate because I am aware there are a wealth of varying emotions involved in infertility. However, I am utterly relieved that I can finally share these feelings with other people that may actually understand. When I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant with her second child, I cried for the rest of the day. By that time I'd been on Clomid for awhile and it was clearly going nowhere. The Dude couldn't understand why I was so upset, and when I told him that I felt she didn't deserve to be pregnant he was furious with me. He asked me who I thought I was to judge and suggested that I stop blaming others for my infertility. It's immensely difficult to explain to someone that though I realise it isn't my sister-in-law's fault she's so fertile, that I cannot cope with the fact that for some reason, I am not. For him it's as simple as she can have children easily, I cannot, hence deal with what you have been given. The simplest way for me to deal with this is to be frustrated with people who get pregnant with little forethought or complication. It's not fair, and it's not rational, but it's just the way it is.

2 comments:

Suz said...

Is a "smug fertile" what a "smug married" becomes after, say, nine months? The worse smug fertile I know was pregnant during her honeymoon due to "a little slip-up". I complained about the injustice of this for months to my non-understanding husband, but felt somewhat requited when she gained a seemingly permanent 70 pounds.

Frustrated? You betcha'!!

deborah said...

Infertility certainly plays a mean mind fuck with a person, doesn't it?

Don't beat yourself up over whatever you might be thinking or feeling...all of that emotion is perfectly valid, and then some. Plus, I'd be willing to bet you've been nothing but outwardly lovely to your colleague and sister-in-law, so you deserve real credit for that.

If you ask me, dealing with the unfairness of infertility is the hardest part.