Riiight...where did I put my crossbow?

Though I suspect it is not wise to air in a public forum such as this that I would gain immense joy from inflicting pain on others, I will brush that aside for the moment. Today while browsing one of my favourite blogs, Gawker, I clicked on a link that had Metformin already not made me feel a bit porcelain bowl-happy, would have surely done the trick.

Somewhere in this great wide world, there is a human being who presumably has had their brain sucked out of their head with a straw, thus depriving them of common sense and basic dignity. Who is this person, you say? No, not TomKat (which, let's face it, are now one and the above description does apply)...no, not Bea Arthur. I'm talking about the person that created a blog about Kimora Lee Simmons.

For those that perhaps have lives and do not subsist on a steady diet of IF and gossip blogs as I do, she is the wife of Def Comedy Jam CEO, Russell Simmons. She has started a line of clothing called Baby Phat, and was allegedly a "model", though with her chipmunk face and a man's physique I'm at a loss as to what she could have actually modeled. Anyway, I think she is the single most self-absorbed, arrogant, deluded bitch I've ever had the displeasure of reading about and viewing on television. I would venture to say that she is...prepare yourselves...worse than Paris Hilton, and that's a whole lotta bad.

Anyway, on this blog devoted to the train wreck that is Kimora Lee Simmons, there are some quotes from her that made me want to gouge out her eyes with her own acrylic fingernails. Witness this little excerpt, which is in response to a Vanity Fair article that allegedly cast her in a most unflattering light:

"Do all the kids I'm trying to help, who I open my home up to, do they think I'm selfish? Do the several children I am trying to adopt think I'm selfish?"

I like this one too, which spilled out of the Great Philanthropist's mouth after donating $75K to a GBT high school in NYC...

"I love the cause, because these kids have come up in a way that they weren't really understood. ...These are kids who are naturally fashionable and they just inspire me to do so much,"

Quote 1: Who is she, Angelina Fucking Jolie? Is she assembling a little United Nations of poor, impoverished children to adopt simultaneously to help take up some of that empty space in her 64000 square foot house (no exaggeration there by the way)? Oh, bless her little kind heart for adopting "several" kids and ushering them into a materialistic world devoid of love and affection. She should have been the new Pope.

Quote 2: I like this one...No sweeping generalisations there! You know those gayz, they're always so fashionable! You know, because they're GAY. Homosexuality clearly translates to good fashion sense. How delightfully 80s of her.

Ok, my rant is done now. Now for the fun stuff: odd searches that have led people to my lovely little internet home.

1. Your Mom goes to college: No, she does not, but mad props for the Napoleon reference! My brother and I say this to each other sometimes in Kip's voice, and I regret that I can not share this with him. So sad.

2. Nyquil causing fertility: Shit, does it? Really? I'm the biggest 'quil head in the land and still ain't no babies coming out of this oven! I'm a total Nyquil junkie, so if this were true you'd think something would have happened by now. On a related note, is it ok to knock back the occasional cup 'o' Nyquil whilst on Metformin? Yay or nay? I'm hoping yay because people, I don't drink...I need something to get me through the tough times.

3. My cooter: I get this search all the time. I still can't figure out...are they looking for my cooter or their cooter? Also, do they want pictures, or just descriptive words? Note to these searchers, it's bloody fantastic and no, no pictures. I only provide those to my special friends on Christmas Cards. Merry Christmas from Pru's Cooter.

4. You reproduced: Did I? When? Back in my drinking days I did pass out a couple of times and wake up a bit sore, but unless there was a rapid 9 month gestation in the space of about 12 hours I'm stumped. When do I get to met my child, or is it childREN? Also, how did you know that by typing in "you reproduced" that you would find me via Google and then my statcounter would save the search? I feel like the Ed McMahon of the internets has found me!

Jesus, I am dull as fuck.


Eggs Akimbo said...

I read an article with Kimora Lee Simmons in Vanity Fair a while back...that woman is not on planet Earth. So self-absorbed. Why can she have kids and we can't...bitch!

Pamplemousse said...

So looking forward to my Xmas card! Do I have to wait 6 months for it?? Say it ain't so!!

What is in Nyquil? Does it have alkeehol? What do I know - I am Scottish!

Anonymous said...

Dull as fuck? Whaaa??? You???? Are you on Nyquil or something? You not being funny... is funnier than... well... me when I'm trying to be funny.

Wait... maybe I'M on Nyquil...

Anonymous said...

Wait a second . . . Bea Arthur is pregnant?

Anonymous said...

Ok if you're dull as fuck, I must be dull as, well, something reeeeally dull bc your post elicted several snorts and guffaw over on my end of the internet. Down with KLS! Looks like I'll have to make yet another addition to my running list of People Who Suck. Does it ever end??

K said...

Ooh, I want a Christmas card too! I just saw the quote about adopting. Adopting to improve your public image? Damn, if that was the reason I was adopting, maybe Mark and I would have a better chance.

After all she does for everyone, after being so selfless, she can't really expect to be bashed can she?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I think you should send us all a Merry Cooter Christmas Card.

Here are some suggestions for notes:

"Season's Greetings from Pru's cooter"

"Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards your cooter"

"Merry Christmas from my cooter to yours"

Anonymous said...

"Do the several children I am trying to adopt think I'm selfish?"

If they don't now, they will soon, I'm sure. I don't know much about this person, but worse than Paris Hilton? YIKES!

I often wonder what it's like to be crazily in love...with yourself.

Foxxy One said...

She's an idiot and a half! Add me to that Christmas Card List and I'll add you to my Chanukah Card List!

Unknown said...

Obviously, you are NOT dull as fuck. I just googled "dull as fuck" and you didnt come up. So there.

Anyway, a Happy Cooter Christmas In June from My Cooter Down Under!

Anonymous said...

Way back when I worked in fashion magazines I was surrounded by KLS types. One day, one of them told me she had TEN (10!!!) sponsor children from Africa. After hearing this, I reprimanded myself for all the nasty, horrible things I'd thought about her and all the unbelievable stories of her total self-centredness I'd told to family, friends and virtual strangers. All was right again with the universe when she clarified "They never say thank you and they've never once come to visit." Well, what can you say.

Anonymous said...

Shall we race to see who gets the "Bea Arthur" google hit sooner?


MsPrufrock said...

Sarah, bring it on! I look forward to searches regarding Bea Arthur nipple slips and Bea Arthur naked. Now that ought to bring them in by the dozens...

Anonymous said...

Gahhhhh, my mouth is filling up with drool as I lay comatose on the floor from such outright STUPIDTY. Unbelievable. Who says the universe doesn't have a sense of humor...just look at who's successful.