4/28/2009

Slippery slope

Any time a conversation commences with a hesitant, "No offense, but..." or a cautious, "Don't take this the wrong way...", fear rises quickly from the pit of my stomach. I pray nothing is said about my weight, fat moonpie face, or eating habits, knowing that the subsequent shame spiral will put me off running and non dust-based food for the foreseeable future.

Today a colleague busted out the latter phrase, and I knew it wouldn't end well. So the quote makes sense, I was wearing high heeled boots, which is a departure from my standard collection of Rocket Dogs.

Her: "Don't take this the wrong way, but I think when you're tall like today you look like a teenager. When you're short, you just look like a mum."

Those loud sucking and screeching sounds you hear? That's my self-image evaporating and my head being ripped off by winged agents of Satan, intent upon dragging my soul into the depths of Mumsy. Those who know me will know that there are very few things which I would classify as an insult, and telling me I look like a mum is definitely one of those things. Tell me I have a flat ass - fine, I do. Tell me my hair looks like shit - it probably does. Tell me my boobs are too big - they are. Looking like the stereotype of a mother? You might as well hook me up with some high-waisted jeans, a grubby KMart sweatshirt, and a dandy collection of Hummel figurines.

I don't ever deny being a mother, and I'll never be like those post-menopausal ladies who only want their grandchildren to refer to them by first name only. I'm happy to be a mother, but jesus, I'm only 30, surely I have a few good years in me before I look like one. Some of you have met me - I'm not drowning in mummyness, right? RIGHT? I know I'm frumpy as hell, but I'm in metamorphosis at the moment (fat to thin, not cool to mum). Tell me the truth, no wait, no wait, lie if you must. I can only take so much honesty in one day.

My future has been foretold, and it looks a lot like this:



Shit.

15 comments:

Magpie said...

Oy.

Tash said...

Sounds like a coworker needs a swift kick to the crotch. I think my moment came when I accidentally ran into a fellow PK mom while we had a rare night out at dinner, and she was practically speechless looking at me, and finally stammered something like "you . . . you . . . look . . . . great!" The surprise and awe of which really only drove home how absolutely SHITTY I must look M-F during daylight hours. I'm like the above picture except in sweatpants.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

You are hotter than a runner's armpit! You have, as closely as I could ascertain without actual palpation (which would be almost rude) a fabulous ass, glossy, well-cut hair, and an awesome rack atop a svelte form.

You obviously work with the blind.

nutsinmay said...

What HFF said. Though I think your colleague is just about eating her own liver out with envy at your foxy person, now with added foxy boots, and that you have NOT (oh, emphatically NOT) collapsed in an elasticated mumsy heap, and just had to try and make herslef feel better by busting out the snide.

Aunt Becky said...

Hearing "no offense" at the beginning of the sentence grates on me as much as "you know I love you but..."

Your colleague deserves a mushroom print to the face.

PiquantMolly said...

Mom Jeans! Funniest SNL ad ever.

Bah. Whatever. You're my wife and I like you that way.

DD said...

On the bright side, Mom Jeans will never make your ass look flat.

Let us know when the co-worker was able to successfully remove the hell of your boot from his/her eyesocket.

DD said...

That was supposed to be HEEL not HELL, but if the boot fits...

elizasmom said...

Well, as someone whose gray was recently mistaken for highlights, I can sympathize. Also, if I'm correct, we work in a similar milieu, which has us around people in their late teens, early 20s a lot. I like a lot of things about my job, but that particular aspect is just murder on ye olde self-image. It's like mom-ness-inflation — you are still far above the rest, you're just in an outlier environment!

wheelsonthebus said...

it depends which mum you look like. angelina jolie is a mum.

Helen said...

Football Mums: The New Black.

Give me details on your co-worker. I'm on it.

Sizzle said...

What was the point of that person saying that to you? JEEZ!

I wish high heels were more comfortable. Maybe I look like a mom too. And I don't even have kids!

Kristi said...

If someone told me that, I just might spit in her face. I completely agree with you-that's a pretty nasty insult. I don't want to look like a mom either. I may be 33, but I'm no Carol Seaver.

Miz S said...

She's either a complete dumbass or a nasty bitch. She couldn't have just said, "Hey, you look great in those boots"?

Betty M said...

Silly cow. If she wanted to say simething nice say "great boots" otherwsie shut up. "no offence" bugs the hell out of me swiftly followed by "with respect". If you need to say either you should shut the F*** up.