1/12/2009

The Return

Et voila, I'm back. It seems it was a bit too difficult to temporarily quit this thing cold turkey, being as I couldn't bring myself to not post a couple of times in the past month. Despite appearances I am a private person, so I didn't feel I could share my anti-depressant prescription victory and subsequent passing-out-clutching-bloody-pad with anyone but you sympathetic and divine bitches.

The back story, whether you want to hear it or not, is thus - I was very, very depressed. For two years. Ok, since the birth of my kid two and a half years ago. As I've whinged about before, I could not, despite my very best efforts, get my GP to do anything about it. I had been mulling over going a third time for quite awhile, but I reached a point last month at which I couldn't carry on without something.

I can handle sadness and tearfulness for an extended period of time. After all, those who have been through infertility are well acquainted with such things. I was at times a weeping mess huddled under my duvet, but the very worst side of it was the feeling of emptiness that suffocated me every day. There was not a time I didn't feel detached from my life, from my family. The Dude has a habit of huddling up next to me on the sofa some nights, gently kissing my upper arm off and on as we watch TV. Within the past couple months that gesture made me want to crawl out of my skin. I couldn't bear to tell him to stop as there is no polite way to tell your husband that his sweet attempts to comfort you are making you feel ill.

I felt completely dead inside. Nothing was a source of joy for me, and it felt a chore to do anything more rigorous than getting up off the sofa. I was horribly short with P all the time, and how The Dude managed to tolerate my moodiness I'm not quite sure. The breaking point was the day I posted about my prescription success. I had scheduled a day off, a blessed break from work, child and husband for a brief period before my Mom was to arrive for three weeks. I had planned to do nothing but lay on the couch, watch DVDs, and seek out the most dreadful, guilt-inducing television possible. Unfortunately for all involved, P came down with a cold and was in no state to go to school. I'm not afraid to say, I lost my goddamn mind. I was so overwhelmed by it all that I snapped - screaming, crying, and hyperventilating at The Dude at 7.30am on a Monday morning. He managed to calm me down without the use of brute force, and being the dear man he is, left work as soon as he could at 10am to come and force me to go to the doctor.

I saw a different GP this time, a man who has in the past exhibited far clearer and more reasonable thinking than my usual GP. I didn't get any further than the first sentence before I broke down like the fragile fool I am (was?). I told him that I had tried for two very long years to keep my shit together to no avail. I read the book, I had enough alone time, I took up running. None of those things made that black dog go away, not even fleetingly. I explained that I felt as if I had wasted the first two years of my daughter's life in a haze of misery, sadness, and emptiness, and I wasn't content to keep doing that for as long as it would take for it all to dissipate on its own. I also told him that *not* getting help has been far worse for my physical health than any SSRI would be. My high anxiety over the past few years has had innumerable effects on me, and strangely enough I don't want to stroke out in my early 30s. He asked if I wanted to be prescribed an anti-depressant and I had to restrain myself from offering him a joy-induced blow job, so thrilled I was for this hard-fought victory.

Passing out aside, so far, so good. I feel much more motivated, and find myself content again even at this early stage. It has been a long, long time since I was truly happy, and I hope this contributes to me being on the right path again.

To those of you who have sent me lovely emails, Facebook messages, and Twitter-related niceties, thank you. I doubt I responded because I suck, but I greatly appreciate you thinking of me. See, I have to keep blogging because I love you all too damn much. Oh - also the time to mention that more than a few people thought I went on my blogging hiatus because I thought I wasn't getting enough comments. That's harsh. I know I'm shallow, but jesus gay, give me some credit will you? I'll have you know that I SPECIFICALLY avoided throwing something in this post about De-Lurking Day or whateverthefuck, much as I dearly wanted to. So there.

Onward and upward.

32 comments:

Emily said...

Great to have you back. Thank goodness you finally got to see a Dr who is human! Enjoy it as you get to claim your life back - it can be an amazing and strangely overwhelming feeling!

Major Bedhead said...

Yay for good doctors who listen. I'm glad you're back.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm horrified by the MD that wouldn't prescribe to you. Asking for help is hard enough without having to justify WHY you need it. Like you're on trial or something. It's bullshit.

Anyway, glad you're feeling better and on the mend.

May said...

Good for you. The difference between the first year of Dee's life (no SSRI) and the first year of Buddy's life (yes SSRI) couldn't be larger. Better living through chemistry, baby!

Miz S said...

Glad you're feeling better, honey. I'm hyperventilating with outrage that it took 2 doctors to get the medication that you need.

Brigindo said...

So glad you're back. And thanks for sharing the story. I'm glad you're getting what you need now even though it should have been given to you 2 years ago.

wheelsonthebus said...

the first doc was an idiot. i like the second better.

Meg said...

Pru - I was thinking about you last night and thinking how much I missed your posts.

Glad to hear things are looking like improving. Brain chemistry is a pain in the arse.

Caro said...

I think I might kiss your (second) doctor.

My sister had similar problems (including not getting any help from the GP) after the birth of my nephew. Glad things are improving now.

jbondsgirl said...

Babe, I am so glad you're back but even happier that you finally got a doctor who LISTENED TO YOU. I really do not know what took so long (two freaking years? really people?!) but sweet relief at last, hooray!

(Also, the idea that you stopped blogging because of not enough comments? Riiiight.)

xoxo
Flicka

PS~Sam's been rocking the bodysuits you sent. :-)

Tash said...

"I had to restrain myself from offering him a joy-induced blow job, so thrilled I was for this hard-fought victory. "

Hee.

I'm thrilled (thrilled!) that you've been offered a flashlight and map in order to get out of the woods -- I hope you stay out for good. It is a hard bear to tackle and asking for help I found really humiliating. But in the end, worth it in so many ways.

Also, not to offer too much of the assvice on your first post back, but I'm a big believer in the one-two punch: drugs AND jabbering a few times a month to someone you pay to sit and listen to you and offer you kleenex and possibly ask some probative questions that get you past a few lingering hurdles. Just a thought. Feel free to hurl medicine bottles in my general direction.

I think about you every time I hear World Cafe, Live and am so happy to see you writing again. Much love.

Jenn said...

I'm glad your back. *big sloppy kisses*

kate said...

Glad to see you back in bloggy land. And glad the meds are helping.

I hear you about feeling like you may stroke out in your early 30s. My doc (Dr. Pinata) throws Xan.ax at me and begs me to see a therapist, but I'm just not happy with my therapist choices here in the Bible Belt. The meds help with acute attacks, but I know that ultimately, the anxiety I deal with will never be fully resolved unless I seek it's source. And I don't like not having answers, and I don't like submitting myself to someone else for those answers and I'm a great big anti-authoritarian control freak, so...

So I run. And it helps me to barely hold my shit together. And someday, I'll be brave and give real meds and therapy a try again, but for now, I'll just be jealous of you and your bravery. I honestly couldn't be happier for you.

Magpie said...

I'm happy to see you. And appalled that it took you so long to get someone to help you. Not right, there, not right at all. Glad you got the help at last. Don't go back to GP#1.

Candice said...

Glad you are back Pru! I missed the Music Mondays... I'm de-lurking just to tell you that since I guess all you wanted was more comments.

Kidding! I'm kidding. Please don't hurt me lovers of Pru.

And...yeah drugs! I'm glad to hear you are enjoying life more now.

Betty M said...

I am glad to see you back and that you have found a GP with a brain. I know the theory of saying no if people say give me something but for the love of pete it shouldn't take over 3 years for them to see sense.

Thalia said...

I'm overjoyed that you have finally been given some drugs, completely horrified that it has taken this long. Wondering if you can officially transfer to this other GP's list, I'd hate for you to have to go through that idiot again.

nutsinmay said...

Do not visit 'usual' GP ever agin. Usual GP a complete [deleted to avoid offending people who do not like the c word, the f word, the s word and the b word].

Who the hell said you stopped blogging over the comments? What collecton of pillocks.

*hug* Sorry, did you want a hug? I can take it back if you don't. Also, your word verification is 'poomo'. I kid you not.

Heather said...

Your back! Yay, you're back!

Heather said...

Ahem. You're: you are. Sorry. ;)

tonya said...

As fucked up as our U.S. health care system undoubtedly is, I was horrified at how you GP completely failed you in this regard.

I am quite relieved that you are getting to feel some (better) emotions. I'm also glad your husband is so sweet and takes such good care of you. He rocks!

Hang in there, Pru. I'm glad you're back! XO

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Oh, I missed you! So so so much! I'm so delighted to have you back, and chirpy. Can I deliver a trailer-load of cow shit to the surgery for you? Can I?

*lotsa hugs*

Lut C. said...

You're back! And medicated too! Yay!

fisher queen said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. Please keep fighting for yourself, OK?

Nic said...

I'm really glad you finally managed to see a doctor who would care about *helping* you. And glad you're feeling better. And sorry I didn't comment on this subject sooner, I'm back at work and it's kicking my proverbial ass.

T said...

How could your first doctor just *NOT* help? Are you going to kick his ass?

rockmama said...

Oh my god, girlie, about fucking time. Hooray for doctors that actually give a shit!

You WILL feel better. I could kiss whoever makes Ciprolex. The first day that you wake up without that cloud is the sweetest thing ever.

Gwen said...

Three huzzahs for meds that work! Glad to hear you're feeling better, although I am sad to know you suffered for so so long.

OvaGirl said...

Glad you're feeling better and snaps to the doctor who listened and made the right decision. Keep going strong girl...

Clover said...

I'm sorry it has been so hard. I knew you struggled with depression issues, but I didn't realize it had reached that level of awfulness. I'm glad you got a GP that will listen- can you transfer to him permanently?
Hugs to you and kudos to the Dude for being so understanding and warm- I'm glad he is so supportive.

Kristi said...

I'm glad you're back, Pru. I am so sorry things were rough for you, but I'm happy you're better.

Molly said...

I've missed you. So much.

And I'm so glad you're feeling better!