Learning Curve

Lesson one of re-discovering your happiness through synthetic means: when the manufacturer of your medication tells you in bold print that in the beginning you may have severely heightened anxiety, believe them. They are not fucking with you. It is in bold print for a reason.

Because I rock the party, I'm having a particularly heavy period in this time of adjusting to this new drug. It was much heavier than normal this morning, to the point that I bled through everything. In the bathroom I panicked, which was a wise move. Suddenly, I had tunnel vision, my ears were ringing, and I couldn't stand up. I managed to go up the stairs to the bedroom, smacking into walls and stair gates in the process. I made it to the bedroom, where I finally collapsed. I was holding a completely soaked maxi pad wrapped in toilet paper, which I managed to push under the bed so I wasn't found with it clutched in my hand. I could hear my Mom and The Dude ask if I was ok, but didn't have the energy or wherewithal to respond.

The Dude came in and stood over me calling my name. P also arrived to serve her primary purpose of poking me in the face and saying, "Whatchu doin' Mum? Whatchu doin' Mum?" The Dude helped me to the bed, and I groggily repeated, "I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be sick!" He ran into the kitchen and grabbed the fruit bowl (empty, for any of you fruit/vomit fetishists out there), but it was too late. Thankfully I hadn't eaten in awhile, so when I was sick all over myself and the bed there wasn't much cleanup required.

Now I'm laying in bed blogging about my first ever fainting episode. I'm pleased I could do it with such grace - collapsing in a heap of bloodied pyjamas, attempting to be covert with a used maxi pad, then ending the drama by throwing up on myself. You can say a lot about me, but damn if I ain't one classy broad.

Awakening

I'm not quite ready to return to full-fledged blogging, as lo, I have been temporarily retired for an entire week now and can't yet face the resulting responsibility again.

I am only here to say that the blessed end is in sight - I have at long last talked my GP into prescribing medication, hopefully barring me from slipping even further into the mire.

The sky is a bit brighter today. It's about fucking time.

Just breathe

It seems my idolatry of DD has reached new and pathetic heights, as I too am taking a leave of absence. I could emerge in a few days feeling awake and alive again, or it may take longer. I don't know.

No more shall be said on this matter, lest I sicken myself with the resulting and inevitable melodrama.

Catch you on the flip side.

Where does the time go?

In the past I have obliquely referred to the earlier days of IF blogs, reflecting on those heady, halcyon days of bloggers now long gone. I have thought of them again recently, in the midst of Mel's IComLeavWe madness. I failed at it, again, though this will come as a surprise to no one.

I was good for an entire day, leaving the obligatory six comments on blogs new to me. I just can't help lamenting (and apologies to any IComLeavWe participants) how things were in the good old days. There were so many of us! We talked of wandings, cervical mucus, procreative sex under duress, marital strife brought on by the stress of infertility. It was all there, usually with naughty language and the hint of delightful cynicism that I treasure so much.

I'm not singling anyone out, but I confess, I find a lot of newer infertility blogs lack that raw honesty. Phew. I've been wanting to say that for awhile but have been too fearful to do so. Now it's out, and I feel much better now. I feel I can carry on living my life as normal again.

Anyway, rather than focusing on my negativity, who's up for a trip down memory lane? Remember MM from LimboParty? Sweet jesus on a stick I loved that woman. In fact, I think I declared my everlasting adoration upon my first reading of her blog. I had a lovely long email from MM last year (year before?) and failed to email her back because of my severe communication issues. Stupid, stupid me.

Another one that I have recalled is Sarah from Badlands. Another wonderful blog that in my recollection of it I feel the need to sigh wistfully. I know Sarah stopped blogging, but I haven't heard anything about her in years. I came across some funny comments she left on centuries old posts which made me smile, and as always in cases like this, I wonder what happened to her.

One of my all time favourites is Deborah, formerly of The Trying Game. Oh Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, how I love thee, even after all this time. Deborah was, sorry, IS (she's not dead!!) painfully witty and just all-round delicious. Once every year or so she crawls out of her dark little hole somewhere in the far reaches of the internet and leaves a comment here. I got quite giddy when I read the last one, because at the very heart of it all I'm just a creepy stalker who wallows in what used to be. I even got a picture of her gorgeous girl riding a pony, along with accompanying text jokingly calling her daughter a "pussy" for being frightened. Like I said, I fucking love this woman.

There are others, but I've just realised it's nearly bedtime and thanks to The Dude locking us out tonight and necessitating a mile-long walk with a toddler in the freezing cold, I'm tired. What no-longer-blogging bloggers do you miss? Also, any word on how the above ex-bloggers are doing? Hi, I'm a crazy stalker, as indicated above.

Music Monday: The Smiths

What? No furious emails demanding the return of Music Monday after a week's absence? No petitions passed around the blogosphere, a nifty badge for each participant's sidebar to commemorate the movement? You heartless music-hating bastards.

To appease the masses, or rather just Helen and A, this is Smiths week. I did a Morrissey/Smiths Music Monday back in March, but as it was so very long ago, here we are again.

Well I Wonder



Still Ill




Jeane




The Queen is Dead




Pretty Girls Make Graves




Back to the Old House




Unloveable




Frankly Mr Shankly




Sweet and Tender Hooligan (apologies for the Charlie from "Lost" themed video)

Any Smiths favourites I've forgotten?