3/06/2007

I am human and I need to be loved

Well Christ on a bike, what have I done to piss you all off? I'm posting more frequently, just like you asked. What can I do dear readers? I want you to love me, I need you to love me. By ignoring me and boycotting comments, you're making me this way. It's your fault I'm desperate, whoring myself to all and sundry just for a few words of affection. Just wait until they have to drag my cold, lifeless body out of the sea, then won't you feel guilty? You will need to live with the knowledge that your callousness, your indifference, killed me. I hope you can carry on with your lives, knowing you ruined mine. All I ever did was love you.

Ahem. Phew. I got all crazy ex-girlfriend on you there. Onto the matters at hand. First of all, I was beyond happy to read the fabulous news over at It's So Not About You. Statia, she of uncomfortable body and little sleep, has finally given birth to her Fetus. Go over there and wish her congratulations. She would also probably appreciate some words about the absolute need to breastfeed. Heh.

Jumping to a different matter entirely, infertility and PCOS (not always paired together) have featured in all sorts of stories on the BBC website recently. Ok, perhaps not all sorts, but two. First of all, we have this story about the effects of spearmint tea on the symptoms of PCOS, specifically hirsuitism. Thankfully that is not a huge issue for me aside from having legs that need shaved constantly in order to avoid total hairy manbeastedness, but spearmint tea may also help the other aspects of PCOS, bounteous condition that it is. Of course I went out to buy some, though I got stuck with Chamomile & Spearmint instead. I trust that in a week I will have no leg hair, the extra weight will melt off, I will have monthly periods rather than biannual ones, and I will be as fertile as a clam. Watch this space.

The other story concerns a hormone that may treat infertility. For a moment I thought that would be a good thing, but then what would we blog about? Where would all my IF blogs go? Everyone would be all fertile and clam-like. This hormone (kisspeptin) is supposed to be particularly helpful for women who do not ovulate and/or have irregular periods, so, uh, score! It is also worth noting that the gene which produces kisspeptin, called KISS-1, was coined as such by scientists in Hershey, PA, the playground of my youth.

Now I will move on to yet another topic, as segues are for suckers. This bit involves reader participation, so that means you must p-a-r-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-e under penalty of severe disdain. Death is too harsh, and disdain is just enough to slowly eat away at you until you can handle it no more.

So your road of infertility, and for those to whom this does not apply, parenthood, is there any music that means something to you in connection to said experiences? Music is very important to me, rather bordering on obsession. It would be easy for me to compile a soundtrack to my life, though I would have far too many songs to wade through to come up with any quick answers.

When IUI 4 failed, I was at a loss as to what to do next. IVF was the logical choice, but at the time we were unsure whether we wanted the financial, emotional, and physical investment it would require. The reality of that perhaps being the end of my chances of having a biological child were too much for me to cope with for awhile, and I really struggled with finally acknowledging that maybe it was never going to happen for me. The day I got my period I sat in the bath for over an hour, crying, shaking, and desperate for the pain of infertility to give me a reprieve. As someone with PCOS, the spectre of infertility loomed even before I wanted to have children. Being told you may have difficulty conceiving is vastly different to actually having trouble and realising that the trouble could be absolute.

I had the radio on in the background, and the Coldplay song, "Fix You" came on. I am not a Coldplay fan, as bland, sleep-inducing music is not my thing, but as I listened to the song I got even more emotional. Given my situation, lyrics such as "When you try your best but don't succeed...When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...stuck in reverse..." and "Lights will guide you home...but I will fix you" had quite the effect, and the crying accelerated and the bath lasted even longer. My apologies for the overuse of ellipses, but I had to skip some of the lyrics which didn't apply. I know it's a song about love, but on that night it was a song about reaching a place you never thought you would see, and where you could go from there. I can't hear it now without thinking back to myself then, hopeless and despondent. As we know, it did work out for me in the end, but that self is still not far away.

So now it's your turn. Surely I'm not the only one who attaches important life moments to songs?

P.S. I still can't comment on Typepad blogs. Despite a friggin' dozen emails back and forth with Typepad it hasn't been figured out. I can't believe I'm the only one in the world with this issue, so what's the problem? Fuckers.

34 comments:

Isabel said...

I have no IF music. IF... the only thing that changed with IF was that I had a hard time with my faith for many months.

I also wish someone had been there to tell me not to plan as if I were going to get pregnant someday. I wish someone had said: it might never, ever happen: plan as if it won't happen, not as if it will.

That advice would have made a big difference to me.

DD said...

I was so overwhelmed with "niceness", I forgot to mention the breastfeeding to Statia. Maybe we should boycott her for her c-section choice? I don't know how she thinks she'll ever be able to wear her thong bikini ever again.

Supposedly, typepad "white listed" your IP address per their response to my help ticket. Lying pricks.

Onto more serious things: I don't have a very good recall of music, especially of titles and artist names. However, the song that makes me weep and brings me back to one of the most horrible moments in my life would be Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved. The song was popular when I was pregnant with Vivienne. Even though I didn't know she was a girl until over a year after she was gone, I just knew the song title fit.

EJW said...

I don't have any IF music, either, but I wanted to say that I'm still out here and reading and am glad you're posting more frequently. See if you can get your Cheese-Wife to do the same, would you?

mm said...

"I need a hero" was my IF anthem for a while. Mr L and I listened to it and danced around the apt like the dweebs that we are after one unexpectedly positive call from RE #3. (Yes RE #3 is my hero and yes I do have sick and slightly perverted fantasies about him. What of it??)

... a line from a Coldplay song that I've only heard once but it has never really left my head... "If you have to break down, break down on me." At first it resonated bc Chris Martin wrote that for Gwennie re: her father dying. Mr L and I had only just started dating when my father died but the guy was really there for me (altho he did not write me a song-- asshole). Once it became obvious that having a child was going to be hellish and that I was not going to cope very well with not being able to produce an heir, Mr L once again proved himself to be a fabulous support, I started thinking about that line again.

Last but not least, God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. I look at LL and I hear that song. Go ahead, hurl. I don't blame you. I'm gagging a little myself.

Lori said...

I went up to MA for a girls weekend with my closest friends. Two were pregnant and I was still grieving my miscarriage. I thought I could handle it because they were my closest friends afterall. I cried in the bathroom on 3 occasions and felt so terribly lonely that weekend. No one ever asked how I was doing. On the plane ride home I had my new Joss Stone cd in the "player. The song "Security" came on and I cried the rest of the way home. I tried to edit the lyrics to only include the most relevant parts but the whole song spoke to me. It was what I hoped my friends would've said but didn't.

"A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told
On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way"

Alexa said...

For the life of me I can't think of a specific song that has meant something for me regarding infertility. However, I do have a very specific memory of listening to Biggie before my HSG to make myself feel a bit braver, and on the way home I was I wreck, but when I turned on the CD player Biggie just happened to be saying that "put your fucking limbs up" line, and it made me laugh, because I just had.
Interesting studies you posted. I'm not sure whether the KISS protein would help PCOS, as it increases LH, and we have so much of that already...

Em said...

I was wondering the same about where all the readers/commenters have gone. Even when I post more frequently it does jack!

IF music. Wires by Athlete is a particularly poignant song for me. I love it but it was what was playing on my walkman (pre ipod days!) when I was walking back to the tube from St Mary's in Paddington after I had been told I had PCO, as well as a friggin' thing on my pituitary gland that was messing up my ovaries!

Hetty Fauxvert said...

I'm afraid I've never been one to go around quoting lyrics, etc., so I can't help you there. The lasting effect I've seen from our bout with IF (3 IUI's, 2 IVF's, many docs telling me I was too damned old for anything to work) has been excessive caution, for both me and my husband. When I did get pg, I refused to really believe it would stick (for, like, 2 trimesters) with the result that I didn't do anything toward changing our house in a more baby-oriented direction and am thus woefully behind now -- the kids, should they arrive (see, I'm still doing it, and I have a freakin' DATE for my C) will be coming in to a fair amount of disorganization. My husband's take was not to refuse to do anything, but to refuse to celebrate. Hope that changes when our boys get here. Yes, IF leaves a mark.

Meg said...

I am too embarassed to tell you the song that brought me to tears the day I found out I was pregnant and then again just today when I remembered. Lets just say it was by the Carpenters and has the words "top" and "world" in it. Hardly mood music.

Mary Scarlet said...

Imogen Heap. Makes me cry like a little booty baby. Embarrassing.

Thalia said...

I stopped being able to listen to that snow patrol song "chasing cars" because it was associated with my miscarriage.

I've got that bloomin cold play song in my head now!

Jen said...

I thought those news stories were interesting--I guess we'll wait & see if they offer any true help.

I made a whole mix tape (yes, tape; I remain stubbornly in 1986) within the past couple of years that I think of as my IF compilation.

Specific songs/CDs that resonated with me: the "Garden State" soundtrack; and "One Moment More," by Mindy Smith. There isn't necessarily any lyrical significance, but rather a pervasive air of melancholy that sort of sums up those years for me.

Mollywogger said...

See? Look, Pru! Everyone loves you!

After clicking on those BBC stories, I just had to go ahead and click on the link to the brother and sister in Germany who are lovers and have 4 children. Eeeeeeep.

And, I caught your Smiths reference.

Not sure about IF music. I have music for every other thing on earth, but not that. Music about cheese? Yes.

Kelly said...

delurking to add my IF song - "The Patient" by Tool. I know -it's sort of a weird choice, but some of the lyrics really speak to me when I'm in the middle of the seemingly endless visits and blooddraws. I know I'll be listening to it a lot when we start IVF #1 this fall:

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

If there were no reward to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may
Gonna wait it out.

Jenn said...

One song that reminds me of our struggle is If I Can Dream by Elvis.

J said...

Quote Morrissey in your title and of course I'll comment.

Do you have to drink great bucketfulls of the spearmint tea in order for it to "work?" I already visit the bathroom enough as it is, with all the water I attempt to push down my gullet!

As for music?

"Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head" comes into my head often after failed cycles, as does "One Thing Real," by Dan Bern.

Strangely (or not so) "There is a Light" was one of our wedding songs. Yes, we're twisted.

Eva said...

No IF/parenthood music here. But after the birth, when babes were crying whenever they weren't sleeping or eating, somehow a song from Sunday (Jewish) school popped in my head -- Rise and Shine, all about Noah's ark. I am not religious at all, but the positive tune of it hooked me somehow, and I started singing it ad nauseum. And the end cracked me up, "everything is hunky dory, dory" even though most of the earth has been wiped out... random, I know

rockmama-in-waiting said...

I, like Molly, was unfortunately drawn to the brother/sister love story on the BBC site. Blergh.

I don't think I have any specific IF songs. After both of my miscarriages, I just wallowed in my "Catharsis" mix on my iPod that includes tracks like "Wounded Heart" by Bonnie Raitt and "Desire" by Ryan Adams.

julia said...

The song Clocks, by Coldplay, reminds me of my daughter, especially the lines "Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?"


After I had my miscarriage, I could not listen to Songbird by Eva Cassidy without sobbing. I still get teary-eyed when I hear it. There were countless songs that made me weep during that time, but I don't know if it was the songs, per se, or me being an emotional wreck.

Jennifer said...

Hmm. I can't think of specific IF music either. The only thing that comes to mind is the faux-spiritual music that my accupuncturist used to play. Especially those damn chanting monks. Gah.

Sami said...

Sorry been reading not commenting... darn dial up internet. As for songs - Five for Fighting - 100 years (my wedding) and then the song by shoot what's his name - it was from the Wild Thornberry's soundtrack and it was Father & Daughter - it's by the guy who sang - You can call me Al... and 50 ways to leave your lover... I think of my dad every single time I hear it.

Millie said...

I wasn't able to post on blogger blogs for a couple of weeks there. Guess it was the way of evening out the cosmos.

I do like crazy exgirlfriend stuff. Keep it up and you'll have too many comments.

As for music, the song Ben Folds wrote for his daughter gets me crying so fast it's embarassing, Gracie Girl. Oh and that Sarah Maclachan rendition of Unchained Melody that's used in the Empty Arms video and Kate Bush's This Woman's Work that Decorgal used in her Sims movie Standing Alone. Guess I'm a multimedia kind of girl.

Lumi said...

OK, I'm going to humiliate myself here and say it.

Simon and Garfunkel.

Most anything worked for me at the time (and oddly enough, this music came back into my life, serving similar purposes once I realized how fucked up I was feeling with the Post Partum Crazyness that STILL seems to linger)

Ahem.

Anyway, S & G. Specifically, The Boxer, Sounds of Silence and Bridge Over Troubled Water.

"Hello darkness my old friennndddd..."

May said...

I also weep to 'Songbird'. And 'The Prettiest Thing' by Norah Jones.

Flicka said...

I remember a long time ago, before P. was born, you threatened to get all ex-girlfriend on us with runny mascara and all. And I promised to stick with you. And here I am, sometimes silently but still here.

So. Enough of that stuff. I have many IF songs but cannot remember a one of them right now. Is it bed time yet?

elle said...

I didn't have IF music. I did have this vision the first time I was pg tho - where I was dancing around the living room with my toddler daughter to Stevie Wonder's "You are the Sunshine of My Life". Couldn't listen to that for a while. Now Jack likes to jump along while it's on ("kid" music is for suckers...all music is kid music! Even Slayer!)

statia said...

You bitch.

I love you.

Anita said...

Oh .. oh .. I'm here! I've been a crappy commenter lately as well as a lax poster. Shame on me.

I haven't really attached any particular song to any of my IF or miscarriage moments but I have noticed that during those times all songs seemed to be about what I was feeling.

Just my kooky brain hearing things I needed at the time I guess.

Twisted Ovaries said...

Yes. There is a short sweet lullaby song that I love and completely associate with my latest (so far successful) round. I'd tell it to you, but it'd jinx me and that would be bad, so pretend it's a very good song.

laura said...

"Get out the map" by the Indigo Girls was always my feelgood song during those down times. I'd get in my car, roll down the windows, and sing at the top of my lungs.

Lut C. said...

I listened to a lot of Depeche Mode in the past year. A whole lot.
Though I am comfortably agnostic, the song I found most appropriate for IF is 'Blasphemous Rumours'.

"I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing"

bri said...

Girlyman's Speechless. On iTunes. They're friends of mine.

Sorry I haven't commented. I admit that I am not yet adjusted to the increased frequency of your posts. I realized that I have this internal checklist of who posts how often that leads me to click on certain of my links more often. Habit, so it will be a bit slow to break. But I will make an effort to move you from the weekly to the daily checks.

Anonymous said...

"The Child is Gone" Fiona Apple

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