I am human and I need to be loved

Well Christ on a bike, what have I done to piss you all off? I'm posting more frequently, just like you asked. What can I do dear readers? I want you to love me, I need you to love me. By ignoring me and boycotting comments, you're making me this way. It's your fault I'm desperate, whoring myself to all and sundry just for a few words of affection. Just wait until they have to drag my cold, lifeless body out of the sea, then won't you feel guilty? You will need to live with the knowledge that your callousness, your indifference, killed me. I hope you can carry on with your lives, knowing you ruined mine. All I ever did was love you.

Ahem. Phew. I got all crazy ex-girlfriend on you there. Onto the matters at hand. First of all, I was beyond happy to read the fabulous news over at It's So Not About You. Statia, she of uncomfortable body and little sleep, has finally given birth to her Fetus. Go over there and wish her congratulations. She would also probably appreciate some words about the absolute need to breastfeed. Heh.

Jumping to a different matter entirely, infertility and PCOS (not always paired together) have featured in all sorts of stories on the BBC website recently. Ok, perhaps not all sorts, but two. First of all, we have this story about the effects of spearmint tea on the symptoms of PCOS, specifically hirsuitism. Thankfully that is not a huge issue for me aside from having legs that need shaved constantly in order to avoid total hairy manbeastedness, but spearmint tea may also help the other aspects of PCOS, bounteous condition that it is. Of course I went out to buy some, though I got stuck with Chamomile & Spearmint instead. I trust that in a week I will have no leg hair, the extra weight will melt off, I will have monthly periods rather than biannual ones, and I will be as fertile as a clam. Watch this space.

The other story concerns a hormone that may treat infertility. For a moment I thought that would be a good thing, but then what would we blog about? Where would all my IF blogs go? Everyone would be all fertile and clam-like. This hormone (kisspeptin) is supposed to be particularly helpful for women who do not ovulate and/or have irregular periods, so, uh, score! It is also worth noting that the gene which produces kisspeptin, called KISS-1, was coined as such by scientists in Hershey, PA, the playground of my youth.

Now I will move on to yet another topic, as segues are for suckers. This bit involves reader participation, so that means you must p-a-r-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-e under penalty of severe disdain. Death is too harsh, and disdain is just enough to slowly eat away at you until you can handle it no more.

So your road of infertility, and for those to whom this does not apply, parenthood, is there any music that means something to you in connection to said experiences? Music is very important to me, rather bordering on obsession. It would be easy for me to compile a soundtrack to my life, though I would have far too many songs to wade through to come up with any quick answers.

When IUI 4 failed, I was at a loss as to what to do next. IVF was the logical choice, but at the time we were unsure whether we wanted the financial, emotional, and physical investment it would require. The reality of that perhaps being the end of my chances of having a biological child were too much for me to cope with for awhile, and I really struggled with finally acknowledging that maybe it was never going to happen for me. The day I got my period I sat in the bath for over an hour, crying, shaking, and desperate for the pain of infertility to give me a reprieve. As someone with PCOS, the spectre of infertility loomed even before I wanted to have children. Being told you may have difficulty conceiving is vastly different to actually having trouble and realising that the trouble could be absolute.

I had the radio on in the background, and the Coldplay song, "Fix You" came on. I am not a Coldplay fan, as bland, sleep-inducing music is not my thing, but as I listened to the song I got even more emotional. Given my situation, lyrics such as "When you try your best but don't succeed...When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...stuck in reverse..." and "Lights will guide you home...but I will fix you" had quite the effect, and the crying accelerated and the bath lasted even longer. My apologies for the overuse of ellipses, but I had to skip some of the lyrics which didn't apply. I know it's a song about love, but on that night it was a song about reaching a place you never thought you would see, and where you could go from there. I can't hear it now without thinking back to myself then, hopeless and despondent. As we know, it did work out for me in the end, but that self is still not far away.

So now it's your turn. Surely I'm not the only one who attaches important life moments to songs?

P.S. I still can't comment on Typepad blogs. Despite a friggin' dozen emails back and forth with Typepad it hasn't been figured out. I can't believe I'm the only one in the world with this issue, so what's the problem? Fuckers.