The blind leading the blind

Look at me, posting less than 10 days after my last entry! I am far more pleased with myself than I should be.

I would just like the world to know, that at nearly 33 weeks, I have discovered that maybe this whole toiling-to-have-a-kid thing was a bad idea. I know nothing about pregnancy, babies, or small children. I don't even like most of the little things, as I've stated many times in the past. When going through infertility treatment I regularly felt like an imposter. Here I was, doing all this work to get pregnant, knowing that despite wanting to have a child or two, I had no idea what to do with them.

As we are coming closer and closer to what appears to be the time in which a large cantaloupe will be expelled from my vagina, I am increasingly terrified about what I don't know. I don't know how to hold a baby, I don't know how to bathe a baby, and I certainly don't know how to change a diaper. I was out being all goth and what not when those issues were covered in the Your Duty as a Woman and as Thus a Maternal Figure classes. Believe it or not, I babysat a lot in my teenage years, yet somehow, diaper changing was never something that came up.

Last night The Dude and I went shopping for baby-related things. Up to this point we have been only buying clothing because that's easy. Babies wear onesies and sleepsuits (though I still had to be told this - it is not knowledge I naturally possessed), as well as cute little dresses and skirts sometimes. We even purchased a wardrobe, changing table/bureau, and crib a month or so ago.

However, asking me to get all the tiny little incidental things and I'm screwed. I need a manual to tell me what, and how much of it to buy. Socks - will she wear them all the time? How often and how long do they need scratch mitts? What sort of tub should we buy? Don't even get me started on all the breastfeeding-related items, as my eyes just glaze over and drool will form in a large puddle on the floor. I'm waiting for this subject to come up in my antenatal class so the better-informed women in my group can tell me exactly what is needed.

I know this all seems like piddling stuff. I'm aware it's hard to raise children, but how is it this difficult to prepare for their arrival? Shit. I actually cried in the middle of one of the stores last night because I felt so useless. I thought I put all those days of spontaneous crying at inopportune moments behind me once all the fertility meds stopped. I guess not.

I can't believe I am admitting that I find comfort in a fictitious character, but I feel just like Miranda in Sex in the City at the moment. Granted, Charlotte was the one who went through all the fertility treatment and knew everything about babies, but Miranda's approach to impending motherhood was much more my speed. Charlotte had to guide Miranda through all the baby preparations, while Miranda just looked baffled. I need a Charlotte to tell me exactly what I need to do, or else this kid is going to come out and be kept in a cupboard or something. No tiered cake made out of diapers though please.

On a random and less oh woe is me note, I won a long-standing competition today. Last June 22, I mentioned a certain Ms Bea Arthur in a post. Sarah, from the now defunct Badlands (boo hiss), threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to see who would get the first Bea Arthur related hit. I responded saying it was so on, and anxiously awaited my first hit about Bea Arthur's boobs. I waited a long time, but I am pleased to say the wait is no over and I have won. Yeah, ok, Sarah doesn't have a blog anymore so it's kind of a moot point, but small victories, right? As for the person searching for this, the holy grail of all things perverse, my hat is off to you sir/madam, as you have a stronger stomach than I.