7/05/2006

Say No to Tights

Because I can only complain about pregnancy so much without driving everyone away, I'll deviate slightly just this once. Ok, I lie, because this post is born of one of my biggest pregnancy pet peeves - elevated body temperature.

Us lucky southern UK folk are in the midst of a heat wave, which in English terms, means that it has gotten to about 90 degrees or so over the past few days. I grew up in Central Pennsylvania, home of the endless 100 degree summer with 800% humidity, I should be used to this, right? However, air conditioning doesn't exist here, at least not in the circles I move within. My office has been doing its best impression of the fiery pits of hell, and succeeding quite admirably I may add. I hope no one mentions a fan, as yes, I have two pointed at me at all times and they do absolutely fuck all. My mom actually said to me the other day (when I was complaining endlessly about the heat), "Do they have fans there?" Hell no! We just done got 'lectricity last week maw, how we's gonna get one of them thar fans?

My body cannot take this. I've nearly expired every day this week and taken my fat ass cankles with me. I sit, slumped over in my chair, listlessly typing random drivel in the vain hope that I'll look like death enough to be sent home. No such luck as of yet. It doesn't help that this brings the fuckwits out of the woodwork that say things like, "Wow. You must be hot." or "Ha. Don't you look uncomfortable." Yes, thank you very much for noticing. Now my attention has also been called to the issue even more, and I realise how truly miserable I am. Cheers, asshole.

So anyway, on with the non-pregnancy stuff that I mentioned earlier. My hatred of the heat at all times in my life has lead me to have some weird sensory issues that are coming to a bit of a head at the moment. First of all, I have a slight tights/stocking phobia. I hate them. I cannot stand the feeling of them on my legs, and will do all I possibly can to avoid wearing them. Unfortunately I have some ugly ass legs that would really benefit from some covering, but I can't force myself to wear tights.

I love skirts, but if they necessitate tights-wearing, I'm out. I also hate the web crotch situation that so many of them have, where the crotch just sort of stretches 3 inches lower than where your crotch is actually located. You can go up a size or two to avoid web crotch, but of course you then have to hike them up every 2 minutes and thus look like a really classy broad. What is worse than simply wearing tights is if you are wearing them and they get wet. The mere thought is enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin. Ugh. One day this winter I was walking to work in the rain and I passed a woman wearing tights and her legs were soaked. I had to cross the road lest I vomit at the sight and further thought of the sensation of wet tights on bare legs.

For some reason, in this weather women have still been wearing tights. The idea of sweaty legs under tights is just as bad, if not worse than the concept of rain-drenched legs in tights. As I said, my legs may possibly be the most hideous, pale, veiny things to assault one's vision, but my hatred of tights is insurmountable. I will make you look at these things if it means I don't have to have convulsions at the thought of putting on tights.

I'm fearful, as this issue with hot and/or wet legs (ooo la la) under clothing might be extending to trousers now as well. I have lived in the one dress and one skirt that I can fit in all three days this week. Yes, I had to do a spontaneous load of laundry last night, but it meant my legs were bare and my crotch could breathe today, rather than forcing the poor things into a pair of non-breathing trousers or jeans. Yesterday, the female caretaker at work was telling me how she had to wear polyester trousers as part of her uniform, proceeding to tell me in vivid detail how little polyester breathes (go figure) and how uncomfortable she has been in the heat. The combination of "polyester" "legs" and "sweat" almost pushed me to stick my ears in the nearby fan to end the aural misery of this tale.

The point to all this rambling is that I would like to know what your weird sensory issues are, if you have any. It is also entirely possible that I am a freak that deserves to be tortured with the idea of wet tights and sweaty, clothed legs. So please, do tell. Oh, and I better not get any wet tights in the post.

25 comments:

Twisted Ovaries said...

I do the tights, and in fact, I have to be honest-I love them. I don't love fishnetty kinds of things as I can't help but feel I'll haveskin poking out like pockets of fat or something, even though my legs are in reasonably good shape.

My sensory things? I hate super fitted clothing. The Thong Baring Jeans? Not for me.

But my biggest sensory no-no is filing the nails. I have never, ever filed my nails. Never mind how awful they feel, the sound alone makes me want to rip the wings off the Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Jenn said...

I hate tights, pantyhose, thongs, and unnatural fabrics of all kinds. I hate to be constricted.

Mollywogger said...

I am driving ABSOLUTELY CRAZY by people who bite down on their forks and scrape them against their teeth when they're eating. The mere thought of it gives me the heebiest of jeebies -- it's even worse than fingernails on the chalkboard for me. If I accidentally scrape a fork on my teeth, it ruins my day.

I also can not STAND the morons who clip their nails in public. I sat in the front row in 10th grade algebra, and my teacher was clipping her nails. One of her clipping flew off her hand and landed directly on my book. I nearly hurled.

My husband picks at his toenails all the time (especially when he's reading in bed) and it nearly makes me homicidal.

Lindy said...

I've always had weird issues with seams. I refused to wear underwear as a child because I could feel the seams. I refused to wear socks too and wore a single pair of "jesus sandals" the entire year I was five. Even in the snow. I do indeed wear underwear now (though I have never ever ever been able to bring myself to wear a thong), but the sock issue persists. There are very few types of socks that I can stand to wear under shoes - they have to have minimal seams or else I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

Shadiva said...

The majory sensory issue for me is when my socks get tangled up in my shoes. Apparently this is an issue I've had all my life as my parents tell me stories about how I would scream bloody murder if "my sock felt funny."

I have been known to pull off on the side of the road while driving and take off my shoe to adjust my sock.

It seriously drives me insane.

laura said...

Two issues:

Thigh rubbing. This obviously depends on many factors, including current weight, type of clothing worm, condition of skin, etc. But if my thighs rub together, I am in a constant state of annoyance and discomfort.

Mouth noises. Crunch crunch is acceptible. It's the wet noises that drive me up a wall. Any noise that involves saliva. Soup noises, gum noises, mouth smacking noises in general. My parents continue to make these disgusting sounds, and my sister and I always have silent battles about who has to sit next to them. The noises HURT me!!

rockmama-in-waiting said...

Can't stand fabric on teeth. If I see someone pull a woolen glove off with their teeth, I'm forced to do a little heebie-jeebie dance.

I've also found that I've become a heat wuss since coming to the UK. I never really LOVED 110 degree summers on the East coast, but they just....were. And air conditioning helped ease the pain. Over here, we are forced to wallow in pools of our own perspiration.

alisa said...

My phobia: Those little wooden spoon-like paddles that they give you to eat little cups of ice cream with. I get the same horrid sensation in my teeth when people lick those little wooden coffee stirrers. And popsicle sticks? - Forget it! I used to work night shift as a nurse and occasionally, in lieu of spoons, other nurses would use wooden tongue depressers to eat ice cream and yogurt - Bleh!

AmyLew2 said...

My sensory thing is my hubbys toenails touching my legs. It makes me screach.

electriclady said...

Anything close-fitting on my neck. I feel like I'm going to choke and I get all panicky. I only own a few turtlenecks and they are all stretched out at the neck. However, I also hate it when my neck is cold. So winter is a constant balancing act of loosely draped scarves and the like.

Rachel said...

Velvet. I don't know why, but feeling it makes my skin crawl. Also the sound of tearing fabric, especially towels.

Fingernails on a chalkboard do not disturb me, oddly enough.

statia said...

Bitch bitch bitch. Shut up already. Wuss.

Heh. We don't have a/c in our place. Thankfully it's FINALLY cooled down here, but seriously, I was about to go postal on someone. How the hell can you live without A/C??

Alexa said...

My sensory annoyances are many and varied. Chief among them are certain sounds/sensations that literally hurt my teeth--the fork scraping Molly mentioned, for one, and the sound of the slutbitch in the office next to mine cleaning her keyboard (a trifle obsessively, if you ask me) with compressed air.
Also, since the PCOS growth spurt, I am new to having large breasts (well, I have had them for two years, but they still feel new) and I am still absolutely shocked and horrified by the summer-induced sensation of Sweaty Breast Undersides...oh god, I have to go vomit now.

elle said...

omg this was hilarious! oh, wow, very funny. Great comments too. hmmm You know, I'm ok with tights - on me and others. In fact, I wear them a lot, I'm always cold and in winter, they are my extra layer under everything I wear. For me, it's gotta be turtlenecks. When I was in Catholic grammar school, we used to get our throats blessed every year, so we wouldn't choke to death, supposedly. Well, that freaked me out and now snugness around my neck (choker necklaces, turtleneck, et al) I find endlessly disturbing.

fisher queen said...

I cannot stand the sound of someone smoothing out a sheet. Yikes! As a result, our sheets are perpetually wrinkled and saggy.

Also, I hate wearing bras. Always did. This is not good news for a C cup girl though (and that was pre-bun). Now I even have to wear them at night, which sucks, sucks, sucks.

A hot weather tip? Cold bath before bed and a fan once you get there.

Em said...

The recent weather has been horrible. I am an Aussie and even I hate it! We have roasted in our top floor flat with our rubbish fans circulating.

julia said...

Urgh, I'm with you on the tights thing. I don't even own a dress, on the off chance that I might have to wear it and wear tights/stockings, too. But pregnant and tights? No. Way. Jose. That's cruel and inhuman punishment.

Sensory things? Turtleneck sweaters/shirts make me feel like I'm being strangled. Sweaty body parts touching me completely creep me out. Slurping makes me want to strangle the slurper. And in my opinion, gum chewing should be outlawed. If I wanted to hear what cows sounded like, I'd go stand in a cow pasture.

Anonymous said...

There is NOTHING worse than trying to pull a pair of pantyhose up sweaty legs! Ugh! But sweaty thigh-rubbing is pretty creepy too. (And thigh-rubbing is inevitable once you reach a certain weight -- which I have, alas.) But then again, pants or jeans in really hot weather are hard to deal with too. I end up wearing a dress or skirt sans tights, and carrying a little can of talcum around with me.

My worst sensory bugaboo is 100 percent polyester clothing. The touch of it gives me chills. After my mother passed away a few years ago, I found a box of polyester double-knit fabric that she had bought and obviously forgotten about -- and over the years, it had melded into a huge globby oily-feeling mass (in a tasteful navy blue, natch). Creepiest damn thing I ever found in a box! LOL!

Georgia said...

My knees and sometimes toes touching. Sometimes my toes "fight" during the night so I have to wear socks. They don't really move of their own accord, but they annoy each other. And I can't sleep on my side with my knees touching. It makes me feel kinda sick. And someone else's sticky skin, like dried sweat sticky skin. I like sweat, but not someone else's dried sticky sweat skin.

And if I think of sucking on a towel it makes me feel terrible.

Vacant Uterus said...

Brushing my teeth with baking soda gives me the willies. My grandmother used to do it every night and she had awesome teeth. I decided to try it...once was enough. *Shudder*

amyesq said...

Dude, and the Brits wear tights like no other country I have ever seen. I have no idea why, in the middle of the summer, there will still be legions of women walking to work with thick black webs on their legs. Here in San Diego we barely even know what tights ARE. Even in court it is OK to go bare legged, as long as the rest of the outfit and shoes are as they should be. British women! Liberate yourselves!

Mary Scarlet said...

I HEAR YOU HAD A GORGEOUS BABY! Congratulations, so, so pleased for you. Can't wait to hear the details.

Anonymous said...

Oh these Thick Black 60 denier opaque Tights that schoolgirls wear, ie my 17 yr old grandaughter...just Horrid!!I cut them up for use in my garden..about the only thing they are good for.

vee walker said...

it sounds to me that you are not buying the correct size tights if you have the baggy croutch situation, if toy are tall try a latger size or ones for tall people.

I love wearing tights and could not live without them, the guy's like them too;-)

irene said...

Girls/Black opaque 60 denier school tights...Detest them ...i sometimes wear my grandaughters under trousers in the winter.. i keep my toenails sharp and jagged so that they will tear the feet ..then i can bin them. ..Irene