The hills are alive with celibate cries

Virgins, avert your eyes now. Those of a sensitive demeanor when sexual issues are discussed, cover your sensitive ears. The rest of you pervs that have an interest in my sex life (or lack thereof), listen up.

Yeah, I thought that was most of you. Confession time for me...I'm a cold fish. Chocolate?!?! Oh, yes please! Sex? Eh, not so much. If my blessed husband does not start messing around on me soon, I will be surprised. I bring a whole new definition to the word "frigid". Throughout our nearly 9 year relationship, I've never been too sexual, a trait I always blamed on depression at the beginning and middle of our relationship, and infertility within the past two years of it.

When things became sexual I was on Paxil, and essentially felt as if my vagina had fallen off. Penetrative sex was infinitely dull for me, as I felt as if I was just a recepticle and outlet for The Dude's sexual urges. I derived absolutely no pleasure from any of it, though of course I pretended as if I did. I am not the type to fake orgasms (I would feel too self-concious) but instead would rely on the trusty, "No, I didn't have an orgasm, but it was nice to be so close to you." schpeel. In reality, I would have much preferred to read a book or eat a chocolate chip cookie dipped in cold milk.

Fast-forward to current times, where we are now graced with the constant cloud of infertile sex hanging over our king size bed, and things have not changed much. Behind us are the heady days of robotic must-have-sex-or-we-will-die action sponsored by Clomid, but now we have reached the sexual desert. Thanks to the IUI catheter and easily downloaded porn, there is no need for sex! It is absolutely atrocious to treat sex this way, and I feel horrible, but that's how I view the whole sordid situation at the moment.

Sure, there are plenty of times that we can have sex between cycle day 1 and IUI day, but who can with all the nausea, extreme mood swings and stomach upset? I have enough trouble feeling sexy with the horror of my corpulence (is there a better word in the English language?) greeting me when clothes are shed, let alone feeling as if all I really want to do is curl up and pull the duvet over my head.

I suppose what I'm looking for here is some validation. I get the impression that many of you are sex-crazed nymphos and damn if I don't envy you. I don't need lessons in getting it on, I know how to do it and do it well in ideal situations. I don't have Samantha from Sex in the City's "goodie closet" but I do have a "goodie corner of the wardrobe" which surely must count for something, right?

A sample of The Dude's extreme sexual frustration:

Me: "I offered a free shot in the ass with a drug of their choice to the first blogger able to tell me where the quote from my blog came from, and no one has gotten it right yet!" (N.B. Julie has come to the rescue. She knew it was Dave Chappelle. Do I seriously have no Dave-lovers aside from Julie that read this thing? You ladies don't know what you're missing...)

Him: :::waving enthusiastically, nearly throwing himself of the bed in arm-thrashing fury:::: "I know!!! I know where it's from!!!" ::::panting::: "Instead of getting a free shot in the ass, can I get a free shot at ass?"

In case any of you were wondering how that act of desperation turned out...The answer was no. Who knew?


Dooneybug said...

Man, I knew those Paxil days well. So glad those are over with, as is hubby. I get where you're coming from. Sex now is rarely for pleasure, which is such a sad thing that I NEVER thought I would ever have said at anytime in my life.

Cheers to us all getting laid and having fun doing it!

Manuela said...

Nope. Definitely not a nympho here. Nowhere near it. As one who has been converted to the church of Zoloft... well... sex? Eh. Take it or leave it. Mostly leave it. Except when prescribed as a means to achieve a child. And that... as we all know... is a rather dubious prescription at best. I would much rather read a book, rub eachother's feet, and leave the rest to my trusty RE.

Molly said...

Looks like Manuela and I belong to the same Zoloft church, and subscribe to the whole "Sex - take it or leave it. Mostly leave it" dogma.

So, to keep in line with your post's title, I feel like a fucking nun. Or, I mean, a not fucking one. That would actually be kind of kinky. Which I'm not.

Jenn said...

Validation granted. Especially if you are on an antidepressent other than Wellbutrin. Truth be told, I NEVER have had an orgasm from plain old vaginal sex. And we've only had sex ONCE since April and that one time was because I was drunk. Infertility has fucked us over (ha! a pun!) in regards to our sex life.

Suz said...

Yup. You've hit it. We haven't had sex in so long that we just might have qualified for re-virginization. There's no need to have it because we're male factor and in the middle of infertility, we have no desire to have it, either. You're not alone!

Julie said...

Not even close to being a nympho but I have to say that porn definately helps ;)

MC said...

Have gone through patches with IVF where sex becomes a chore or non exisistant. Weirdly enough I have a bigger sex drive than my husband, as we're male factor we no longer bother thinking about the timing of sex etc.
Love Dave Chappelle's show.

thalia said...

Who's Dave Chapelle?

I want more sex than my husband does, but because of his issues, I can't try it on too much - he needs to be in charge. And because he's nervous he doesn't do it much. So basically we have sex when we have to, although it's pretty good when we do. No vaginal sex orgasms but plenty of the other kind.

Ova Girl said...

Yeah, the death of the sex-life. I'm not on any medication but it's definitely waned since we started this whole biz and mostly around the time of ovulation.I find it pretty upsetting really. But we do lots of cuddling and kissing, lots of "I love yous"....

Manuela said...

Vaginal orgasm??? I thought that was an urban legend...

Jen said...

Never been on the A/Ds, but right there with you these days on the "eh, sex" thing! I thought the other day, "Oh, we'd better have more sex before I start stims, because after that, we can't." And then I realized, a few weeks without sex = ok by me. Sad, yes, but true.

Panda said...

Nymphos??? Where????

None over here thats fershure.

The only positive thing that I could find in being told yesterday we needed IVF was that we could go back to having sex for fun for a while, but even then... Shrug.

Seriously, much prefer an snuggle and a good book.

and Manuela, its not an urban legend. But its only ever happened once and took so much effort on my part that I'll go without thanks. The other kind do me just fine.

Nico said...

Gee, and I thought I was the only one. Sex? Eh - maybe once a month or so. And that's usually when he gets so horny he goes after me when we're sleeping - I think I'm so much more relaxed then that it doesn't take nearly as long to.. um... get my motor running.

amyesq said...

Yeah, Paxil orgasms? Not so much. In fact, I was just thinking of asking my doctor to put me on something with, well, less sexual side effects. (Holy Crap I sound like an ad!)

I LOVE sex, its just that with the Paxil, there is more faking than shaking.

DeadBug said...

Add me to your list. With the birth control pills, then the stims, then the IVF, then the misery of failure, then the fuck-upedness of birth control pills all over again, then stims again--oh, and heap on a little self-loathing and simply no waking sexual thoughts that last for more than a millisecond--and our sex life isn't; it's more of a "sex lifeless," in fact. Jesus gay, if I ever need antidepressants, I might as well just sew it up.

Love love love Mr. Chapelle. I could watch the Racial Draft on a continuous loop.


Em said...

I am so over sex. I only wanto to do it to get pregnant. I am worried the IF has wrecked my sex life. I would much rather read a book or go shopping.
BTW, glad to hear others have problems with vaginal orgasms. I am lacking in that variety but no problem with the other kinds.

Pamplemousse said...

Ah, but the lovely PCOS makes sure that the testosterone runs rampant sometimes. That is when all is smiley and sated in the P household (despite the corpulence!).

At other times, I try really hard to be accommodating at least once a week and I usually find that once I get going, its all good. Sunday mornings are nice for that.

AltMama said...

Freud (who had a lot of good ideas but this was not one of them) considered vaginal orgasms the only "mature" sexual response from women. But that is bullshit. Although I know who have very sensitive g-spots, and thus can have something we might call a "vaginal" orgasm, the fact of women's anatomy is that, friends: The Clit is It. It's so stupid that we all hold ourselves to this standard of "if i were really well actualized I would get off from intercourse," because it's actually very unlikely for women to have orgasms that way, unless there's a lot of other stuff going on too.

Ms. Pru, I think about this a lot myself since my sex drive was very weird for the last year or so I was on birth control. I think ultimately if it's something -you- would like to have as a more prominent part of your life, it's legitimate to talk to a doctor...and also to talk to your partner about what he might do to be more stimulating. And also just to feel free to explore things yourself, without even telling him, if it's easier that way.

For me I find that if I go for awhile without having sex, it seems harder and harder to do, or to imagine wanting to do. But then it can also be so easy and normal when it's not built up so much. And actually it's been good for me to be more sexually active since I've been into the infertility stuff, because it makes me feel closer to MY body, which right now I'm sort of mad at.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on. Hope you can think through this in a way that helps you!!!!

MM said...

Contrary to what my most recent post would have you believe, I definitely know where you're coming from. Before my (shortlived... sigh) surge in desire last wk, I would have rather done my taxes while getting root canal than have sex. I would go so far as to say that I hated sex-- bc it involved getting naked (ahhh!), thinking about something other than the fact that I'm infertile, etc. That's why the tiny rise in my libido was such a shocker-- I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually wanted to do it.

Thankfully, the horny storm has passed and I'm back to being my limp frigid self. Glad to know I'm not alone. (Well, not really bc not wanting to screw around pretty much sucks, but you know what I mean.)

Julie said...

Pru - Please post that you are ok! We here in the US are worried!

tania said...

I find it very difficult to enjoy sex through the whole IF deal. Combine the robotic nature of it (I don't think talking to a nurse about whether or not tonight would be a good night to do the deed counts as foreplay...) with my emotional eating issues and loathing of my body (not to mention I'm growing out my hair, so that looks like ass too) and I'm just not too into the whole scene.

Although I did have a lesbian sex dream the other night - I was with Salma Hayek. My blog needs a bit of spicing up, maybe I'll tell the story there.

T said...

I love sex, I just don't have it all that often or you know, at all. Thoughts of orgasms found their way in during acupuncture today. Dying.

Oh, and Dave Chappelle is hilarious AND of course, glad you're okay.

Erin said...

Sex? Notsomuch.

I'm more into curling up in the bed with a bag of Cheetos and a cool beverage. Alcohol preferred.

Come to think of it, the hubby has had to get me liquored up the last couple of times. I must be easy.

Clomid Prescription Information said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem