3/01/2011

Stuck

There is an impulse in me to head to my blog when I am down and feel there is nowhere else to go - the histrionic blogging equivalent of drunk dialing. I come here because I want someone to tell me that everything will work out for the best, to offer some brilliant advice which hadn't previously occurred to me. That is my modus operandi in situations like these; I seem to think the only way out will be via direction given by someone else. Rather than addressing the problem(s) myself, I always want to rely on other people to change my way of thinking. As if a snippet of wisdom doled out by you, or by my Mom, life will align and all will be well. Intellectually I know that I am basically fucked, and this is what it is, that no three line comment left here will stop me wondering if life will ever be truly, unreservedly good.

My brain is not currently in a position to devise a well-crafted post, so I will just get it all out there, hit "publish post", and regret it as soon as I do.

I don't like being back here. Every single day I wonder why we have made this move when we were comfortable in the UK in so many ways - we had job security, we owned our own property, P was enrolled in a great school in which she was flourishing. Ok, we didn't actually *like* our jobs, which was the initial impetus to come back to the US. Oh, we had grown out of our flat too and were looking to sell, acknowledging that even in moving to a bigger place we still wouldn't have the space we wanted for P. The US seemed the obvious choice to improve those areas, but guess what? The joke is on us. We can't sell our property in the UK, we spend more in rent per month than we would on a mortgage for a very nice house, The Dude can't find a job, I HATE my new job, and P goes to a sub-standard daycare/school which manages to drain even more money that we don't have. Bills keep coming in, as they are wont to do, and I'm in constant amazement that we pay so much for not having much of anything quantifiable.

My job might give me a stroke, and on a calmer day I might evaluate how I can't yet decide whether the US workplace is shit overall, or if it's just my place of employment. I was lucky back in the UK - I loved the people I worked with, so I guess it's my turn to be in a work environment that is largely unbearable. Under ordinary circumstances, I genuinely love the field I'm in, but I now dread going to work every day. I sometimes sneak into the bathroom and cry, thinking about how I just want to be home with my baby. Those who know me know that this is *not* Pru-like behaviour, so there is obviously a glitch or 50 in the system somewhere.

We tell ourselves that we need just that "one thing" - a job for him, an offer on our flat in the UK, and then it would all start to be ok. We say that to one another when we are both doom and gloom, but I don't believe it, and I very much doubt The Dude does either.

There are P-related (future) school issues that are also being thrown at us, and I'm just so sick of thinking about it that I'll just skip over it here. When I'm back to being sane, if only for a moment, I have parent-of-a-near-5-year-old crap to bring up on the blog but I can't be arsed right now. Suffice it to say, it's so, so hard to not feel as if I have completely screwed her over in all of this. We moved over here to give her more, and she's living a pale imitation of her former life right now. It tears me apart thinking that I have consciously done this to her.

I try to recall that revisionist personal history is powerful. It makes you think that you were much happier before, that had you stayed in that life, everything would have been fine - peace in the status quo. Truth is, I know I wasn't happy before. I needed change, and I got it. Now I don't want it. I'm always discontent, there, here, everywhere. It doesn't matter. I don't know what I need to do in order to be happy, or if I can be. The DRAMA, I know.

So there it is. I know, it's just one of a hundred times I write these posts. I'll get over it, until the next time when I do it all over again. Don't feel obligated to indulge me by dispensing sage advice, just please, no one say that it could be worse. Things could always be worse - that doesn't make it better.

19 comments:

May said...

Oh, sweetie. I am sorry. I was stuck in a job I hated for much of my twenties and I know how it just colors everything. Sending good thoughts for that one thing to break loose soon. Hang in there.

Jen said...

I'm sorry. That bites, especially the hating the job part.

Would you like to move here instead? P could go to kindergarten with A. at the school I just decided upon, after much wringing of hands; rather than working, you and I could just watch all of the episodes of Downton Abbey on repeat on my DVR, snacking upon cheese and baked goods.

Hope things improve, and soon.

Magpie said...

Oy. I'm sorry you hate your job - and I hope things get better soon, somehow.

Tommie said...

Oh Pru, this takes me back to the days of reading about your life with a screamy, screamy baby, one of which I had of my very own. I feel you. Having a job you hate sucks. It just does.

But can I say, that as far as P is concerned, once you figure things out for yourself, she'll be fine. Kids are amazing like that. Kids are good at revisionist history, too, is what I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry things are sucking. I still think you are all very brave for giving a new life a try. Hope things look a bit brighter very soon.
--Sue

Tash said...

Oh this is horrible and breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. And ditto tommy on kids and resiliency and revisionism -- she'll be fine.

This isn't sage remotely, but to make a really simple and bad analogy: you hated the blue dress, so you bought a red one instead. Sadly, you hate the red dress almost worse than the blue one now that you have it on. Could you instigate yet a third change and throw it all in the wind and go buy a purple one? I don't think it's that the blue was the be all and end all, and you shouldn't go back to it, but clearly the red one isn't doing it for you either. If Mr. hasn't found a job yet maybe he could look elsewhere, and sort of drive this conversation to go somewhere else?

Just a thought. I'd like to see you before you set fire to plan B.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

You've given me a very thoughtful afternoon by your use of the phrase 'revisionist personal history'. I think... I do that.

*takes a good look at Sage Advice in order to fixate its position* *carefully avoids Sage Advice*
*not difficult, as a rule*

Honey, I'm sorry things aren't what you hoped just now. Needless to say, I am hoping that things improve, immediately and profoundly.

Calliope said...

well fuck.

I have no advice.

Just promise me that you will not up and move before we can get together and spend the day being totally snarky about the world together. mmmkay??

Orodemniades said...

Dude, moving back is so fucking hard. Lately I've been having fantasies of moving back to the UK because honestly, financially we would be so much better off.

Completely soul crushing for me, but we'd be able to pay a bill, even though we'd have to rent.

I can't believe it's been 5 years since we moved back. Happily we watch a lot of the Beeb and C4 (and, gods help me, Jeremy Kyle) due to the program Mr Oro wrote (Ask Me How!*). We have money probs, but love where we live and, more importantly, don't pay rent as my mom owns the place. But there's no public transportation and we've only go the one car between us and Mr Oro refuses to learn how to drive and all the stupid marriage crap that goes on when you move countries. Oh, and don't forget the creeping, unspoken depression/resentment/anger from said spouse for making the move in the first place, and the consequent guilt/shame/depression/resentment because other spouse made the move to the other country initially and goddamnit it's their turn to be comfortable for a few years.

I may be transferring a little bit, there.

And reverse culture shock is a bitch.

I hope things get better, and soon.

Love, Oro

* that doesn't come across as perkily as I hear it in my head. Seriously, though, just ask. It's coolio, yo.

elizasmom said...

Bahhhh, reverse culture shock and change can suck even when everything's going perfectly. I'm sorry things aren't going your way, and I hope you catch a break in at least one of these areas soon to give you some encouragement to keep going. Also, I gotta say, Tash's suggestion is not without merit — no reason to toss the whole enterprise, maybe just reconfigure a bit...

Lut C. said...

Worse. As I've found out (again) is that I don't feel any better by thinking of how things could be much worse. After all, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
Nope, not working. I don't feel cheered up.

Disliking your job to that degree is pretty awful - especially given the time you spend there. :-/

I hope you get some sort of break soon and things improve.

Betty M said...

Oh bollocks. I am so sorry it isn't working out. I'm for Tash's purple dress plan if it is feasible. Being in a job that makes you cry is no good for anyone particularly not you. Binning a job in this economy isn't feasible though I know however miserable things are. So comisserations Pruand hopefully there is good stuff coming very soon.

Mel said...

You know that I know the song. I'm doing the crying in the bathroom too. Whoever finds the solution first can let the other one know, yeah?

Love from the South

Caro said...

Oh man I'm so sorry to hear this.

Molly said...

Crap, I just saw this now. Are things looking up at all, 3 weeks on?

Calliope said...

please, sir, may I have some more?

MORE BLOG PLEASE!!!!

xo

electriclady said...

I kept meaning to post a comment here but somehow couldn't find the words, and then lo and behold a month went by, because I'm a bad friend.

I don't have any sage advice for you, unfortunately. But know that you are not alone in the soul-sucking-job-having, money-hemorrhaging boat. And really, truly, P will be okay. It's been less than a year. Maybe right now the situation is not what you would think is ideal for her, but it will get better. And I'm sure she's a lot more fine than you think she is.

Stranger said...

Jeebus, I just left a huge comment and the internet ate it.
I think second guessing is normal, and I think that many factors that you considered in your move are probably hidden by all of the current stress. And I think you're very articulate about all of this.
It scares me though, I feel like our situations are similar (work in Higher Ed, married to foreigner with foreign child/ren, about to give it all up and move home - from US to NZ in my case), and I spend so long second-guessing myself that your words reinforced my suspicion that I'm insane.
I got offered a job I love 3 weeks before our house went up for sale. But immigration has been cleared (thank the whomever wherever) and the ball is rolling and stopping it seems like an impulse decision and aren't impulse decisions bad? I don't know!
But I've enjoyed your blog. And I look forward to updates. I started a blog about the transition, but it is private, because it appears to be the ramblings of a lunatic. Just by putting together coherent sentences about your situation, you're doing so well.
Please let this post this time...

natural fertility said...

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