1/04/2011

Why hello there

My initial concern was that I wouldn't remember how to get to my blog, and even if I did - would I know how to log in and where to go once I was? I managed this after a couple of tries, then realized the larger problem would be whether I remember how to write. I'm concerned that until I get back into the swing of things (assuming I can manage to blog more than once every 6 months), I'll write in the self-conscious style that plagued my early posts. Reading my old posts you'd be forgiven for thinking you'd stumbled onto a 13 year old's diary, not the blog of someone in their late 20s talking about infertility. Late 20s...oh, those were the days.

So yes, I'm "back", though I never really left. I shifted my whole life and family back to the fair shores of the US and got lazy. Creating a new life for three is hard, let me tell you. I could pretend that I have no time, but I do. My kid (nearly 4 1/2 - SHIT) goes to bed at 7.30pm, I go to bed around 11pm every night. That is 3 1/2 hours of nothingness. Said nothingness is largely spent watching TV or DVDs with The Dude, catching up on what we have missed all these years away. Let me tell you - you people have got this reality TV thing down. Yes, it is "you people", because though I have lived in the US for three months and uh, I am American, I'm having some outsider issues which I hope will lessen soon.

My job is frustrating; it seems the notion of "training" is not important to the new place, yet haranguing me for not doing something I did not even know existed is acceptable. I am very independent and thorough, so this is not my chosen method in which to work. Professionally, I wouldn't want to do anything else, but I'm not sure if this is the institution for me. I am trying to be open-minded about it because I know it can take awhile to adjust, particularly when you come from a familiar, comfortable environment. I've been increasingly homesick for a country I am not even from, and on most days I debate whether I've done the right thing.

So here we are, dropped in an unfamiliar place, slowly getting our bearings. The Dude vacillates between thinking that the life we'll have here will be great once we sell our place in the UK and he finds a job, and OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE? He has started doing some part-time coaching which has alleviated some of the overall pervasive misery, but neither one of us can help thinking about the two fairly good-paying jobs and property that we owned (god, I hate renting) and left behind.

P is just peachy regardless. She's happy here, she's happy there, she'd be happy in Eritrea. She is a jolly little bean, if not a jolly little dictating bean. See, I suppose not everything changes. We question our decision on her behalf as well, because even though she's well-adjusted, things could always be better. I wonder if anyone ever feels confident that their child(ren)have the very best life that they can provide. I didn't feel as if I was doing that in England, which was part of the reason for the move. Yet, I certainly don't feel as if I'm doing that here either. I don't know if that ideal space exists.

So yes, I am here. Disjointed, confused, stumbling blindly through life both real and cyber. My goal for this week is to read blogs, so watch yourselves. That is, if I can remember how to sign in and comment on them. Oh yeah, or if I'm not distracted by all of the quality reality television - damn you Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Millionaire Matchmaker!

18 comments:

SassyCupcakes said...

Holy crap. 4 and a half? That is crazy. And I get it, it's really hard to get back on the blogging bike again. But it is really good to hear from you and hear about your new life. I hope this year brings you lots of happiness and less omg what have we done?

Thalia said...

Very good to hear from you, you'd gone v quiet even on facebook (unless you've unfriended me and I didn't notice).

I think readjustment is normal, it took me a good couple of years to feel at home in the UK again after 5 years in the US. Give it time.

Tommie said...

So glad to read your words again. And yeah, that four and a half years flew by, didn't they? I remember reading about your screamy, angry infant and later thinking about her again when I had my own screamy, angry infant. My girl is about six months younger than your P and she's happy everywhere these days too. Yay for happy preschoolers who were once screamy infants. We made it through.

Brigindo said...

Yay!!! So glad you're back.

Angel is 21 and I'm not confident he has the very best life I can provide, so no it never ends.

anna said...

Welcome back! Sorry the culture shock is so shocking -- it's a huge adjustment for all of you.

I'll be following along as you settle in... wishing you the best.

-- Anna H

Magpie said...

Hi, honey. Here's hoping that things settle down and feel better.

Betty M said...

Lovely to see you back here even though you are no longer on these shores. It will take time to readjust I'm sure but you can come back you know (although the current govt seem intent on making life harder for all but their rich mates so maybe not).

electriclady said...

Well hello there! Once the weather is less horrific we need to make a date to meet up so P and BG can begin their long-awaited plans for world domination. I'm looking forward to my life of leisure as the Honorable Mother of the Co-Supreme Leader of Planet Earth.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Well, Heelloooo!
You - or I - must have ESP, I was only just thinking about you the other night and thinking I must email you to ask When Are You Blogging Again? And if not, Why Not?!

Lovely to have you back.

I always get the best word verifications on your site. My current one is 'phalitio' which sounds an awful, awful rude act. :-)

Sue said...

I can only imagine how turned-upside-down you guys must feel right now. Good luck giving it time to settle. I've felt for a while that a big move (just out of state!) would be better for my hard-won family but haven't had the energy to even try it. Thanks for sharing your story. You all sound very bold for giving it whirl.

Tash said...

Welcome stateside! You will give a small hint as to where you are, yes? (Or did I miss something? I've been a bit sketchy as to the whole reading/writing blog thing myself.)

I imagine culture shock is just that, no matter which way you go.

mm said...

It's about effing time. I was beginning to think you were never coming back. Geez, it's not as if you've had anything going on lately! Oh, yes. Right. Welcome back to the states. Happy to have you! Best of luck with the new life. Hope you feel more settled soon.

nutsinmay said...

Aha! You're back! Excellent!

cass said...

So much change and transition, it's no wonder you're coming back to blogging! And we're glad to see you!

Molly said...

*faints dead away*

Hey! I remember you!

Lut C. said...

Wow, you were away for a bit and in the meantime you've moved country?!

It's normal that you feel like a bit of a foreigner even though you went back home. The country has changed (not only the TV shows) but you remember it as it was, mostly. It will get better.

The job, I know that kind of attitude to training. Ugh. They specialize in changing the rules without saying anything at my job as well. Fun!

Coffeegrljp said...

I think it's fabulous that P is doing well. No matter how crazy things get for us (the adults) it's nice to know that the wee ones can in fact adapt. We're having a dash of culture shock over here and it's hard to watch my daughter scream and cry like a toddler (she's usually a very mature 3 years old) in the midst of toy disputes mostly because she doesn't have a good enough handle on the language here to communicate her wishes (which she is adept at doing in English). Good luck settling in and I'm wishing you all the best in the transition!

Major Bedhead said...

I'm starting to wonder if any place ever feels like it's the right place. I think I'm having existential angst. It's not pretty.

Anyway. Welcome back! I'm glad to see you back on your blog again.