1/10/2008

Get your tits out for the lads

I've blogged before about having big boobs. Not too much has been said I hope. After all, how much can one expound on inflated (not superficially, I might add) mammaries?

I work with a man, a member of academic staff, who is a complete dickhole in every possible way. He's patronising, arrogant, and just a major prat. He also has a tendency to speak directly to my chest rather than venturing northward to make contact with, oh, I don't know, my eyes. Thankfully I have limited interaction with him, and I go out of my way to avoid him if I see him around my building.

A friend/co-worker was telling an acquaintance of ours who works in another location at the university about this man's boob fixation. When she told him of my experiences with Dr. Titman, he said, "Well, she does put them out there." Pardon? I put them out there? Even if they were "out there", does that mean some sex-deprived pervert is free to stare at them indiscriminately?

I'm now concerned that perhaps they are out there. Way out there. I'm a 36DD folks, there ain't no way of turning these babies into Precious Littles*. However, what if my tops are too tight, too low-cut, or both? My friend joked that half of my tops require tit tape, which is patently not true. She corrected herself to say that pre-P that was the case, but not so much anymore. So I used to be a big whore, but now that I'm a mother I've turned the whore down from about a 9 to perhaps a 3.

I swear to you, I am a fairly modest dresser. Any fashion savvy person will tell you that big breasted women should avoid high-necked tops, it just turns them into an amorphous blob. I wear a lot of v-necks, but not of them do anything more than graze my cleavage. Some of them might be a bit tight, but short of a mumu, my 36DDs would make an appearance regardless of my apparel.

I asked The Dude tonight if my boobs were flopping out on a daily basis. There were a lot of pauses, with his dear little pea brain clearly straining itself to figure out the best way to phrase things. His conclusion was that my tops are not too low cut, but perhaps some are too tight, whatever "too" tight means when stated by an avowed jealous husband. You should see the clothes this man picks out for me if given the opportunity. I might as well get a blue rinse, start collecting Hummel figurines and call it a fucking day.

I'm worried now that I wouldn't be taken seriously in my professional life thanks to big boobs, as if this is a fault of mine. I know it's the classic woman-in-the-working-world dilemma, but it sucks. I'm not happy with my figure in the least, which is why I don't cover it up completely. I know that seems rather illogical, but hiding under huge clothing makes you look even bigger, and who wants that? I would love to lose some boobage, and if I ever get my ass in gear and start running again, that will happen. Even if my 36DDs go back to what their former size of 34B
(10 years ago now, ugh), I still can't picture myself hiding under a shift.

I guess I am stuck being a big tittied ol' slut.

Apropos of nothing, I understand today is Official Delurking Day, in fact, it might even be Official Delurking WEEK. I love these things, because there are some pretty fabulous people lurking, and I know you're here. No bugger is commenting, but some of you are reading if my stats are to be believed. In the past year I have had fantastic comments from people with no link to a blog or an email address, which breaks my cold heart. Many times I've wanted to email a commentor to thank them for a great comment, but can't because there is no bloody way to contact them! I'm talking to you geepeemum, Seepi, Jennifer, New Beginnings, Chris, Sarah, Sarahd, Tommie, ks, Holly, Jacqueline, and all you anonymous people. I just went through a full year of comments to compile that list, so the good news is I've found some lurkers who commented at some stage who DO have blogs. I am in the process of adding you to my Bloglines as we speak. How oddly industrious of me.

The appeal of delurking can seem very self-serving, but I'm genuinely interested in who is reading my nonsense. Of course it helps to introduce me to new blogs as well, which my endless list of feeds on Bloglines will love me for. My goal this year is to comment more, as I get all uppity about no comments here, yet I am so lax with commenting myself. What a hypocrite I am.

So anyway, introduce yourself, I'm a friendly sort. Just make sure to look me in the eyes.


*Precious Littles: I was bra shopping once with a friend who is a 34A, and one of the bras she picked up was part of a line by this name. Rub it in why don't you?

34 comments:

steinbockfrau said...

HI!
I read your blog a while back & then lost the link somehow. SO glad I saw you again on Auntie Becky's site. You are now firmly placed in my blog lines- bwha ha ha.

Julie/Georgia/formerly rocky place said...

34DD here, though post-pregnancy/nursing they're smaller than they've been since I was 13--I think a 34C now. Strangely, they didn't get much bigger while pg/nursing.
But yeah, there's the how-to-dress-the-boobies issue. I used to tell my mom that I can't tuck things in b/c I look like a lampshade from the side. I don't know what I meant by that, but it's the same thing about high necked tops. Terrible. I look terrible in crewnecks. The right neck is hard to find...

Alex Fear said...

Hey,

I've been reading you for a couple years now on and off, I think you're hilarious- you should do stand-up! I also introduced your blog to my wife, who is a regular lurker.

Major Bedhead said...

I don't think I count as a lurker, but hi anyway! I didn't know today was de-lurk day. I've been a shitty blog citizen - I haven't been posting and I haven't been reading anyone either. I'm in my annual mid-winter funk. Bleurgh. I'm little miss fucking sunshine, huh?

Magpie said...

Um, hi.

ksmaybe said...

Hello!
Formerly a 32C, currently a bfeeding 34D. Let's see, why I read? You are funny and we have some things in common. I grew up in a small town, work in academics (that's Dr. 34D :)), infertility (son #1 is 3 months old, iui #3 worked).

I comment anonymously b/c I don't have a blog, and don't have a way to comment here. So, ks=ksmaybe@yahoo.com :)

Heidi said...

I was totally chestless until I was about 16 and then virtually overnight I sprouted 34Ds. One of my acquaintances kept STARING, staring, STARING at them.

Finally, I just said, "Hey, James. This one is Rhonda, and this one is called Mary, but if you want to talk to me, I'm up here."

He was SO embarrassed. But it served him right.

Cass said...

High necks are terrible on the big chested. No, you definitely need scoops, or V necks, or something. At least I do.

But I'm not really a lurker, am I? Just a lazy commenter. It's because I read through Bloglines. And because I read while M & B scamper underfoot, and then I have to stop reading to referee. But anyway, hi.

May said...

I'm here always... I'm a terrible commenter and likely to get worse once baby #2 arrives..

Big boobs here, too. My PhD advisor couldn't look me in the face, ever. It was disgusting. Well, he was disgusting. Dirty old man. Bleh.

Eva said...

I was rather big before pregnancy; unwieldy during pregnancy; and now with BFing less frequent I'm returning to "normal" though not sure what the future holds (or what it will take to hold the future). I probably dress tighter than many in my dowdy profession but I feel similar to you about what does/doesn't look good.

The "asking for it" mentality, though, is pretty antiquated and sexist.

Nico said...

I'm now back to my good old 36A's. How about you and I split the difference?

"precious littles"? I don't think I'd ever go back to that store again.

OvaGirl said...

Hi there Pru...you shameless tramp. That poor poor man. Someone needs to take him in hand. Preferably by the balls with a sharp twist.

xx

rockmama said...

36D here. I was the first girl in my 4th grade class to need a training bra, which had made me totally self-conscious about having big boobs ever since. (I was a 36C by the time I was in 6th grade.)

I hear you on the "trying to play down your boobs only to look like an amorphous blob" thing. Hiding them only draws attention to other things that stick out, like excess baby jelly. I've only noticed recently that a lot of tops I was wearing pre-pregnancy are now a little on the racy side following the Great Expansion.

Caro said...

I'm currently a 36E/F due to pregnancy and have heard they might get (even) bigger so I say wear them with pride.

Waiting Amy said...

Hey Pru you naughty girl. I was like Heidi -- flat until 16, then SHAZAM, 32D. After baby #1 now a 34DD. Entering pg #2 and paranoid where I'll end up. Will you take me shopping?

PiquantMolly said...

Throughout this post, I was totally picturing Bridget Jones trying desperately not to say "Titzpervert" when referring to Mr. Fitzherbert.

I think you dress fashionably and not sluttily in the least. Having ample . . . resources does not mean that one must look dowdy, lumpy, or elderly.

Becky said...

You're cracking my ass up. I, too, am a member of the gigantic boobies club, and luckily my chosen profession pretty much entails that all women look about as well endowed as a 2 by 4 (I am a nurse. Stop laughing.)

I still hate, 'em though. I fear that once all lactation ceases, they will look like oranges in tube socks, and hang down to my knees. Guess then it'll be time for a reduction/augmentation, so I can stop tucking them into my pants.

Man, I am so sexy.

neko said...

Now you know I'm out here... but I'll comment anyway :P

And a day late none the less.

electriclady said...

Well, I have nothing whatsoever to contribute to this discussion, being in no need of delurking and having "breasts" that went from 34AA pre-pregnancy to about 32AAAAAAAA post breast-feeding (seriously, who knew they could get SMALLER?!?).

Except that clearly, if you really wanted to be taken seriously as a professional, you would wear a muumuu. Or a burqa. Or a pup tent.

lisa said...

I'm a 36DD too so I feel your pain. I hate these things. Can't for the life of me understand women who want implants. Ugh. Oh yeah, and I'm delurking too.

S said...

I'd de-lurk but this is my first time here. :-)

As for the b**bs, I'm a 34DD so I can understand what you mean. My only advice is slight scoop neck shirts, maybe? I stopped wearing V-necks (for now) due to little man K pulling at them and showing everyone my business.

realitytesting said...

I feel your pain.

gold star said...

this may be the best post title i've ever seen.

Theresa said...

Omigod, I think I've found my cosmic twin! I'm a...wait for it...38H and I can't stand 'em. Unfortunately for me there are a couple of reasons I can't get rid of them...(1) my Dude loves them and (2) skin forms keloids, so reduction would just make a mess out of them.

Got your blog address from the American Expat group and I don't always "fit in" there, either. Thanks for sharing, Theresa

Holly said...

Not sure if I am the same Holly because I can't remember if I have ever commented due to finding you intimidatingly smart and funny.
Some years back I started reading infertility blogs even though I am only now 23 and have never tried to conceive. I guess from the outside it is easy to have faith that it is all going to work out one way or another and I picked a few blogs to follow in anticipation of the inevitable happy ending. Those three were you, Cecily, and Akeeyu. I keep reading after the bubs arrive because damn, those are some cute kids.

I hear you on the boobage issues. I am at least a DD (can usually wear DD comfortably but have never been fitted), and my own experiences have found scoop necks to be slightly more flattering than V necks.

Flicka said...

You and me, we are the same size and have the same problem. The bitchy part of me (what? I have a bitchy part!) wants to tell you to put a folder over your breasts every time Dr. Tits stares at them, forcing him to acknowledge his annapropriate behavior and meet your eyes. Or pull your shirt down and ask "Is this view better? Should I take off my bra, too?" Which you really can't do but still, how funny would that be?

I dunno. If you figure out a clothing solution, let me know.

Hayley said...

I am also a 36DD, but I'm 5'9", which I think balances things out. In any case, it is totally unprofessional of your colleague to spend his time gazing at your chest, and what you wear should have no bearing on your professional life. At the end of the day, if you've got it you might as well make the most of it.

Do you watch 'How to Look Good Naked'? Gok Wan comes up with some genius ideas to dress the 'hooters' (as he has been known to call them). Plus it's voyeurism at its very best, because it's not about making you feel bad about your wobbly bits, but about dressing them right. The site is http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/H/htlgn/

Lut C. said...

Sorry, can't relate either. I wanted to buy a nursing bra in my size (A) and was told in several shops that they don't have those. ?!

I should have listened to that sign. Despite LLL being adamant that small breasts can be used for breastfeeding, mine refused cooperation.

MoMo said...

Hi-I am a 34A-was obssess about how small my little tatas were. I was excited when I got pregnant thinking that they will get bigger! Big fat lie!! Sorry I really can't give you any suggestions.

May said...

Still reading, just, lurkily and mopily. Sorry. (Note to self - must do better).

Oh, hey, I'm a 36DD girl too! And I will NOT wear high-necked tops. The girls look even more amazingly obvious when "reduced" to the hideous Infinite Wall of Boobage. People stare (apes that they are) whatever I wear, so I may as well get admiring stares rather than horrified ones.

Kath said...

Hi there! Is it delurking if I've just been really, really bad about commenting? And while I'm at it, can I beg for forgiveness for that?

Oh, and I'm so pathetic I don't even know my American cup size. Just think "thimble", and you've got the right idea. I just pictured a Jane Bond-style introduction: "Thimble. Thex thimble." So your leering colleague would have no fun whatsoever with me. But I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that "out there" comment. Nothing like a stupid throwaway comment like that to make you self-conscious forevermore...

geepeemum said...

I've commented once before but anyway... hi. (I suspect I'm in the inappropriately exposed boobs camp too but like you say, high-neck tops are far more inappropriate because they just make you look fat...)

tonya said...

I'm wondering how many google hits you'll get from "big tittied ol' slut"?!? Love it!

I totally agree-- why hide 'em? That doc sounds like a total ass... OvaGirl's solution seems fitting and lovely.

DrSpouse said...

I'm a 34F, and I think it is our duty to our fellow Bravissimo girls to wear flattering clothes. This means clothes that don't make us look like sacks, clothes that curve around both our boobs AND our waists, and sod everyone else. I look a lot more professional in a fitted shirt than a baggy t-shirt.