Assclowns and Fuckwits

When you're infertile people constantly piss you off for various reasons. There is the regular spectre of assvice, Child Bores, Smug Pregnants, and that co-worker that chews crisps so loudly that one is driven to blissful thoughts of said co-worker's head on a spike. That was the basis of my blog pre-P., and let me tell you, this shit doesn't get any better. Sure, the irritating things are no longer centred around my lack of ability to have a child, but they are now replaced by my hang-ups as a new parent and recovered (however temporary) infertile.

Issue 1: The size of P. As some of you may recall, P. only weighed 5lbs 14ozs at birth. She was born at 36 weeks, so I think she was entitled to be born a bit on the small side. Somehow this means that people can constantly comment on how small she is. If I had a dollar for every time someone screeches, "Oh! She's such a dink!" or "She's a dinky little one, isn't she?", I'd have a blog on Typepad rather than Blogger and it would have a template much more interesting than this one.

I know these are just statements of fact. She is small. However, I don't need to be reminded of this all the time. I know I'm paranoid, but given our feeding issues and the fact that my body failed her then and my body was unable to provide her with a full gestation, being told how small she is feels like an admission of that failure. Some people, even family members, actually call her "Dink". This friggin' kid is going to have a complex way before I get a chance to fuck her up.

Issue 2: P.'s middle name. Yes, it is traditionally a boy's name. This does not preclude me from being able to give this name to my daughter. When she was born and her name was announced to family, both sides decided to enlighten us as to the traditional gender association of this name. We still hear it, and the birth certificate proves that she well and truly has this name now. My Mom went so far as to tell us that she "didn't mind" that we gave P. this middle name, as if it was ever up to her in the first place. Thanks Mom, you're all heart. Others have told us how much they like her first name, but "don't think they really care for" her middle name. Who tells new parents this? Well, our families obviously, but shit...do people have no tact?

Issue 3: Breastfeeding. Yep, that old thing again. I won't talk of how much I hate it, but I will mention the incredible assvice that comes at me from all sides. MIL found it her responsibility to tell me that P. probably wouldn't breastfeed because of nipple confusion, as if she's a qualified lactation consultant now. This was said to me multiple times after I had my horrible breastfeeding experiences, which of course have led to more feelings of failure. I spent countless hours trying to get P. to latch on before I introduced the bottle, you know, so she wouldn't starve, yet the simple answer was nipple confusion. Of course! A breakthrough!

My Mom factors into this segment of assclowns and fuckwittery as well because giving assvice is what moms do best, or mine anyway. My Mom was on the receiving end of tearful telephone calls from me about failing to breastfeed when I got out of the hospital, and knew that I had more or less come to terms with the fact that I could only provide breast milk for P. if I pumped. However, when she visited, this did not stop her from assailing me with breastfeeding advice despite my pleas to shut.the.fuck.up (said somewhat more politely...at first). I thought she got the hint after I shouted at her that I had done all this for every single feed in the hospital for a week. Altogether, I saw about 20 midwives who consulted on the problem in P.'s first week. My mother, unless she has a secret life I'm not aware of, is also not a lactation consultant. Perhaps she and my MIL can hit the road and offer crappy breastfeeding advice and wisdom to frazzled and depressed new moms.

Issue 4: Blue clothes does not equal boy. Yeah, I know babies all look the same. Boys, girls, who can tell? I went to high school with a few people of debatable gender, so I'm well aware that in the very early stages these things all look the same. Why can't girls wear blue? I sometimes put blue onesies on P., and when people ask how old my little boy is I of course set them straight. Well, you'd think I'd just committed the poor wee thing to a lifetime of therapy with my clothing choices because they look at me as if I am mad. Their eyes plead, "But she's a girl! Pink! Pink! Pink!" I think it's pathetic that we've been conditioned to start them off in such defined gender roles from birth. If my memory serves, it's the Victorians that are to be blamed for this. Uptight bastards.

Issue 5: Moms who lose the postnatal weight immediately. Good for them. The "but" comes in when they brag and marvel to other new moms at how quickly and easily the weight fell off. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been attending weekly meetings with the group from my antenatal class. I thought it would totally not be my scene, but so far, so good. However. There is always a "however" with me when I say something positive. Anyway, there is a woman in the group I will call Miss Priss. Miss Priss is a GP's wife, and well...she lives up to the cliche of the doctor's wife. I know there are some doctor's wives that blog and read my tripe as well, and I of course don't mean you.

So, Miss Priss shows up at a meeting a week and a half after giving birth. One of the other women mentions how fabulous Miss Priss looks so soon after having her baby. Miss Priss, barely able to contain her excitement, gives a big toothy smile and says, "I know! I was so surprised that my stomach went back to normal so quickly! Look, (:::lifts shirt to bare her stomach:::) it's flat! It must have been all the swimming I did when I was pregnant! My husband says that he's never seen a stomach so flat so soon after birth!" After vomiting into my massive, swollen cleavage, I quickly shoved one of the brownies on offer into my gaping maw. Who needs swimming and flat stomachs when you can enjoy moist brownies?

But really, who says these things when in the presence of women that still have baby guts? I call mine the Pipgut, and it doesn't seem to want to shift for anyone. I know eating brownies is not the answer, but this is what I do when faced with physical ideals. Where is the logic in that exactly? So, to change one of my favourite lines in Sex in the City: "Fuck that fucking face girl.", I will say, "Fuck that fucking stomach girl." I showed her. She may have a flat stomach less than two weeks postpartum, but I am foul-mouthed and eat brownies. Consider us even.

That's all I've got. I'm annoyed by many more things, but apparently my brain snuck out with the placenta during birth because I can't remember them. I'm sure more assclowns and fuckwits will surface soon, so stay tuned.


electriclady said...

I'm really looking forward to having a whole new world of crap for my mother to give me a hard time about. That sounds awesome.

and the whole gender/color thing drives me nuts. I am being encouraged to register for baby crap right now, and baby bedding, too, seems to be ridiculously divided. Like I'm going to forget the sex of my child unless every square inch of its bedroom is covered in either pink or blue.

Fuck that fucking stomach girl.

pixi said...

Pru, you call 'em like you see 'em, and as always, you are right on.

And you make me laugh.

PortLairge said...

Thank god motherhood hasn't changed you. I might stir things up over here too. I bought some pacifiers and a couple of them are pink- and oh yes I am going to use them.
Keep the stories coming Pru. You are just as sarkey as a M***y blogger as you are an on infertile. I love it.

T said...

The thing about the small babies is you get to use the clothes for that much longer - doesn't that even up the comments? And people are going to get the boy/girl thing mixed up all the time - I've heard of people dressing their girls all in pink (ew) and someone saying 'how old is your son'. People are stupid.

I still say get your steel tipped boots on for the dink comments - that went right up my back!

Dooneybug said...

Ugh..I get the small baby comments too since my guy was 6lbs 6oz when he was born. "Oh he's so smaaaaaaaaaal!" That's the first thing out of everyones mouth and it pisses me off. Never mind he's more than doubled his weight since birth. Sorry I didn't give birth to a truck driver. GRRRR!

God people are such morons!

Alexa said...

Oh Pru, I love you.
About the boy-middle-name thing: it never ends. My middle name is Michel (yes, pronounced Michael) and the confusion this causes for presumably intelligent adults is pathetic. I get a lot of "But...it's a boy's name!" as if I am going to reply "Whoops! Sorry, didn't realize, I'll just change it then." I adore my middle name though--I'm sure P will adore hers as well, despite the fuckwits.
This post was brilliantly funny, by the way, my god.

fisher queen said...

Why is it OK for otherwise decent people to pass judgements on others' babies and the choices they make for them? It's not like you're taking her to the local crack house.

Em said...

I hear you! There is actually a lot of pressure and judgement from the 'post-natal' scene, as I
like to call it. Losing weight, breast or bottle, how much the baby puts on each week, whether you got into the 'born to swim' program for the babies and parents, the pushchair you have (I have the serious hump with a girl from my NCT class because she constantly puts me down for daring to have a Bugaboo. I know, I know, it's a waste of money but I so love it!).

I dress Catrin in lots of blues and oranges and reds etc. as too much pink makes me wnat to gag.

Also, I absolutely love Piper's name. It is so, so cool and individual...just like her mum.

Panda said...

Pru, if it wasnt for that whole infertility thing I'd marry you and have your babies.

That fucking stomach girl - tell you you know someone who lost all the baby weight a week after the birth and then put it all back on again two months later. (me).

Hetty Fauxvert said...

It's astounding how rude and STOOPID people can be, isn't it? That's why we kept it to ourselves almost completely when we were doing IVF ... just couldn't face the assvice. I was afraid I'd go for the jugular on someone.

Re the "Dink" nickname: nip that in the bud if you can. Threaten people if necessary. As a result of my being the last child born to the clan, I was labeled "Baby Annie" and didn't manage to lose that until I was 10 and started punching people to get them to shut up. A nickname like "Scooter" is stupid but basically meaningless, so who cares? But one that cuts a child down from day one is really cruel.

Mollywogger said...

Ha ha! How I've missed the pissed-off Pru posts.

Elliot is a lovely girl's name. Has no one over there ever seen Scrubs? Hello . . .

Jen said...

I'm with you on the tuny baby issue--my little guy even baked a bit longer than your girl, and still weighed slightly less...and, oh, the guilt you get!
I've realized, though, that most people don't know sh*t about babies, but feel compelled to say something--I'm sure if our babies were bigger, we'd get a lot of "Oh, what a huge baby!" comments. People can be very dumb.

mm said...

I'm going to start practicing saying, "STFU" now... just to get myself prepared for all the assvice (much of which will come from my mother, I'm sure.) Geez... I thought late pregnancy was bad... with all the idiots who feel compelled to tell me that I must be carrying two in there, etc.

Nico said...

That is an awful lot of asswits and fuckclowns, for sure! I love your snark! I think a lot of that comes from people wanting to say something, but not thinking, at all, about how it comes out. Morons.

I also love P's name (first AND middle), I think it is totally cool. And yes, she was little when she was born, but who cares? I really don't understand people giving her a nickname like dink. Don't they know that babies come in all shapes and sizes, and grow up to be people of all shapes and sizes - and that it's rude to comment about it?

The stomach lady is a bitch. I can understand bragging about that in certain situations, and to certain people, but to other postpartum women, most of whom are still sporting a belly? (I certainly am!) NOT COOL.

Rachel said...

Perhaps you should invest in a set of brass knuckles. Then you can just punch people and they'll get the message much more efficiently.

As for the small baby thing, think of the alternative! Some woman in Connecticut had a 14-lb baby sometime last week. Eeek!

I just don't understand why people feel it is so totally okay to give unsolicited advice to pregnant ladies and new mommies. Like, shut up, okay?

My current pet peeve is people wanting to TOUCH my baby. Hands off, people! These are the same people who loved touching my pregnant belly and I hated that too. But this time, it's war.

Cass said...

I get the tiny baby comments, coupled with big baby comments because MissM is small and B-Boy is, as my mother puts it, chunkalicious. She's been calling him chunk-chunk, actually, which I'm trying my best to discourage. Way to go setting him up with body issues. And even though MissM is much smaller than he is, she's much bigger than she was at birth, so I consider her quite a lovely size. People are really just such asshats.

MC said...

Wonderfully pissy post, I can't stop laughing.

hairyfarmerfamily said...

So THAT'S where my brain fucked off to! I KNEW I shoulda fried & eaten that ugly thing!