Sorry I've been absent so long children. Granted, I've not been as lax as some people who wait nearly a damn calendar month between posts, or others who manage to stretch the silence nearly three whole months. I do have quite a bit to say, I'm just too lazy to say it. I occasionally look at the computer with mild disdain, think of poor, languishing BarrenAlbion with its readers slowly dropping off due to boredom and for a moment I pause, believing I should post. Eventually common sense prevails, I grab a little B&J's and resettle on the PruDent in the sofa.

I have shunned the B&J's today, and here I am. I do have a lot to say with not much coherency, so I'm just going to resort to bullet points. Segues be damned!

1) Gestational diabetes: guess who might have it? At my midwife appointment last Thursday they detected some naughty stuff in my urine, so I had a blood test on Friday to test my levels. I have yet to get the results, and knowing my absent-minded, scatterbrained-as-fuck midwife, I'll maybe find out once my 15 pound baby is born if I had gd.

Initially I cried. I know, I'm such a wuss. Who cries when they discover they may have gd? It wasn't so much that I felt as if having gestational diabetes was the end of the world, but I have reached the end of my tether with PCOS. I hate the bitch. I wish she would just fuck off and harass some deserving person for awhile. Pregnancy was supposed to be the one time in the past 10 years that I've felt like a normal woman, yet it seems a hiatus from being a reproductive freakshow was not meant to be. PCOS was all, "Shit. Bitch got pregnant. Hmm...what can we do now to remind her that I will be here for eternity?"

I blame PCOS because, well, why not? I haven't gained much weight in this pregnancy, I have been disciplined with my sugar intake, and I have gotten more exercise than I ever did not pregnant. Yet, take a look at the information online about gd and it's all about the fat and/or old people. No mention of those of us who just may have been shortchanged in the endocrinology department. Just like infertility, it's all simplified to say that it's just the fat and old with the problems. Bah.

2) The in-laws: Yes, so I bought a doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. No, I know you didn't feel the need to do that, but then again, my attempts to get pregnant involved a little more than a drunken shag after a curry. I'm just sayin'. Also, I don't care that you don't see the sense in us paying for a private ultrasound next week. I want to see my Enid, and if I want to see my Enid and use my money to see my Enid, I will.

Seriously, these people roll their eyes and cluck at us each time we tell them what we're doing regarding Enid. I know they think I'm the domineering puppetmaster behind it all, and I want The Dude to tell them that he is a willing participant in this. Just you wait until I go back to work - some riveting blog posts will surely result from that. Let us just say that the family is not exactly in favour of the working mother. To them, my kid will be on the fast track to Cracktown in no time once I start working again.

3) Fertile-type behaviour in yours truly: A few weeks ago a woman glanced at my stomach, then made eye contact with me. She looked pained, and I could tell exactly what she was thinking. I wanted to make some sort of Club of the Infertile gesture, like simulating a catheter being shoved up my cooter, or wrapping my hand around an invisible Puregon Pen and stabbing my stomach with a massive smile plastered on my face. Unfortunately, no such universal gestures are widely accepted. Pity.

The tragedy in this situation, aside from this woman's obvious anguish, was that up to that point it had never occurred to me that other infertile women might be looking at me in my current state the way I used to look at pregnant women. I have been existing in my happy little "infertile makes good" bubble that I haven't thought about the fact that other women might be secretly hating me. I think they do what I always did when I saw a young, pregnant woman - I assumed it came easy for her. This, despite the fact that I am young and still had to do IVF to end up here. The next time I notice a woman looking at me in this way, I shall say, "This youthful face belies the truth! I too know of endless cooter pokings and hormonal rampages! I too have endured weeks of waxiness due to pussaries! I am a sister, not the enemy!"

4) Speaking of cooter pokings, a dear friend in blogging will be facing her first appointment today with her male RE. Said friend was worried about the awkwardness caused by her husband's presence when another male has his hands all up in her business. I read her comment and laughed, but the laughter soon turned to a feeling of resigned shame when I realised that I wouldn't even consider that an uncomfortable situation. In fact, the last time I was probed by a medical professional it was by the fingers of a male doctor during my transfer. Oh, and there was more than one male there getting in on the action. I was laying on the table like an old pro, legs splayed, with a lamp containing a 500,000 watt bulb poised over my vagina. Gloved hands belonging to a few people were in and out of the snatch, along with numerous catheters and cold metal instruments. The Dude sat to my left, completely nonplussed. He was probably singing a Sugababes song to himself or something, he was so casual about it all.

5) Again with the laziness: I was eating a pretzel the other day, and a piece of one fell into my cavernous cleavage. I glanced down at it, nestled on the top of the underwire of my bra, decided that I would call too much attention to myself were I to dig it out, and arrived at the conclusion that a lot of energy would also be expended trying to retrieve it. So yeah...I left it there. Well, until I next went to the bathroom and could dig it out in private.

I'll leave it at that. I will try to post next week, as I am having an ultrasound next Wednesday to find out if Enid is an Enid, or a slow Bertrand after all. I should also, airheaded midwife willing, have the results of my gestational diabetes blood test. If it's positive, believe me, I will have enough bile to unleash and turn into a blog post. No one will want to read it, but hey...I'll feel better!


Anonymous said...

Oh I so agree. There is a pressing need for a sign of the Club of the Infertile, and your suggestions were sublime. I'm afraid that I can't offer anything more workable either - both my ideas of miming flicking a syringe betfore injecting, or bringing one's hand to one's nose and miming sniffing synarel could cause confusion - we might be mistaken for a member of another group, the notoriously fertile crack whores. Tricky one.

BTW, tuck into as much B&Js as you can before the results of the GD tests.

Kath said...

"No one will want to read it" -- good one!

Yeah, the thing about getting the pained look while pregnant is exactly why I try not to make assumptions about pregnant women at all. I'm just egalitarian and give *everybody* a pained look.

Yes, your friend will surely get over her little inhibitions soon. Sigh.

Good luck on your GD test... May you catch a break.

Alexa said...

Oh, how I've missed you.
As far as PCOS--you hold her down, I'll kick the shit out of her. I have a few bones to pick with that bitch myself. So sorry about the glucose tolerance test--oh, does it suck.
I think our "infertile sisterhood" gesture should be hiking one leg up, as if it were in a stirrup. Delightful.
I cannot WAIT to hear whether it is an Enid or a Bertrand--and don't worry about the pretzel-cleavage thing. Happens to me all the time.

MsPrufrock said...

Because I am a fucking idiot, I just realised I'm going on and on about Ben & Jerry's, yet at the same time attempting to convince you all that I've not been eating sugary foods. Duh.

For the record, I was exaggerating with the Ben & Jerry's. I treat myself to some spoonfuls of it once every week and a half to two weeks, not every day. Granted, there was that time a few weeks ago when I ate half a container of Cherry Garcia in one sitting, but we'll just forget about that, mmkay?

Lisa said...

PCOS sucks so very much. I'll join in on the action with Alexa - you hold her down, Alexa will kick her and I'll...ack...I can't think of anything cruel enough!

And how could you NOT cry when told you might have gestational diabetes?

DD said...

I look at pregnant women with that same look, but I try to visualize that they went through hell to get to the pregnant state.

It's the only thing that keeps me from going over and rubbing their belly so hard they get a friction-burn.

statia said...

I definitely think there needs to be an infertile gang sign.

T said...

I'm in on the infertile sign - we should have sisterhood necklaces or earrings or some such because there are definitely more of us than we think.

Good luck with the GD test!

Susie said...

Oh, I cried over the GD diagnosis. What a pain in the ass. I'm so hoping that you avoid it.

However, I gained so little weight during my pregnancy that it was ALL GONE when I went in for my one-week checkup, so there are some good things about the healthy eating you've been doing and will continue to do. Hang in there.

Molly said...

Yaay! I missed you!

The appointment wasn't so bad after all -- I remained fully clothed. Next month the fun begins.

I'm totally with you on the infertile gang sign -- there's got to be something. Can you spearhead this effort? Maybe a WWPD? bracelet? (What Would Pru Do?)

Nico said...

Nice to hear from you again :-)

I'm so sorry about the gd threat. Hopefully it turns out to be nothing. Sorry about the in-laws too. Ugh.

I always wanted a female doctor as my primary care physician, because of the weirdness of having another guy down there. But even the first time it happened at the REs it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. Completely clinical.

MC said...

Hope it's not GD.
I used to make sure I had women DRs, until my IVF DR. i was so weired out at first as he knows my dad and brother and has been coming into the family business since 1979. I was keeping my identity secret from him using my married name, but my dad told him the next time he came in the shop. I thought it would be really embarrassing but it hasn't been at all. I'm so used to cooter scans and the rest now and questions like how's your father whilst the wands up me.

Vacant Uterus said...

Is there any reason why you are telling the in-laws what you are doing with Enid? If they're going to be wankers about the whole thing, I'd just keep them in the dark. When they learn to keep thier opinions to themselves, then they can know what's going on.

Sorry...feeling bitchy today. I hope the GD thing turns out okay...PCOS bites.

Thalia said...

I love the sign of the infertile thing, too. Perhaps we could comandeer one of those rubber bracelets everyone is wearing? Although your suggestions were cooler.

Sorry to hear about the GD. I hope you can fend it off through diet. And i completly understand about the need for GD.

elle said...

Oops! Here's me all thinking that I pulled a fast one - but not on you, Ms. Pru! You caught me - slacking off as usual :-)

I know what you mean about the universal sign. I actually used to worry about it a lot - disturbing other women who were ttc. It's hard to know what to do. Certainly a sign would be good - I love your ideas. It's such a weird position to be in.

I'm so so sorry about the potential GD, but I've heard that the screen picks up a lot of women who don't have it. I'm hoping you fall into that camp.

That's insane that your in-laws are such a pain in the rear. I can already smell it - the interference they'll run into the life of your child. I hope there is some way you and the Dude can work it out so they keep their opinions to themselves.

I laughed my ass off about the pretzel. I always seem to have a collection of crumbs lying on top of my belly for all the world to see. It's so sad.

Georgia said...

Sorry to hear about the GD...I live in fear of that, b/c I live on fruit, and were it taken from me, I think I should die.

I have thought of the infertile thing too--I don't make eye contact much for fear that I will come across as a smug fertile, like "I am woman, here is my belly"--and I don't want to be that way, or make anyone feel bad.

What I've often thought of is making a t-shirt that says "I'm Infertile", wearing it to mitigate the pain my belly might bring.

K said...

We SO need a sign. I try to remember that some pregnant bellies tried just as hard as I'm trying now. I have a hard time remembering that.

Sorry about the IL's and the GD, but I'm glad you're doing well.

Ova Girl said...

Another voice for the Infertile Gang Sign.
Sorry about the gd tests and I hope that goes well for you. All my tests start Monday and unlike you I haven't been exercising much nor have I limited my sugar... crumbs in cleavage is just a saving it for later thing..

Pamplemousse said...

Hey, what happened on Wednesday??? Update needed, please Ms Pru.