5/20/2006

I'll take "chunky labia" for 200, Alex

An unusual title for a blog post to be sure, but it reveals oh so much, as young Enid is in fact an Enid. Nope, no penis between those two legs that kick me mercilessly at 3am. One might wonder, and rightfully so, why the words "chunky labia" must be used. This I shall reveal, as well as other fascinating details about this being growing inside of me. It was an informative night at the ultrasound clinic, that much is for certain.

The ultrasound commenced with the rapid proclamation that young Enid had half of her head tucked behind my hipbone. No matter really, as I could still see her beating heart, her spine, and the occasional swipe of an arm or well-formed leg. The ultrasound tech said that Enid would most likely move her head at some stage, thus enabling a better view of her face and giving the tech a chance to get an accurate measure of her head. Not so. Surely this woman was aware that any child The Dude and I would produce is going to be the most stubborn little beast to ever cross her path. There was much jostling and tapping on my stomach by the tech, with Enid on the screen refusing to move her head, yet punching my uterus in fury as if to say, "Fuck off! Stop tapping me bitch!" To see her little fists moving in reaction to the shaking was more funny to me rather than the awakening of any maternal obligation to protect her. Instead, I was thinking to myself "That's my girl!", believing that was the first sign that this child is going to be one outspoken little madam. By the end of the night, the tech awarded Enid her first accolade: Most Stubborn Fetus of the Day.

In one of the breaks from attempts at head-dislodging and internal organ gazing, the tech pulled a Seacrest from two weeks ago when Chris was kicked off and was all, "It's a girl!" No lead up to the sexual organs, no telling us to brace ourselves for the announcement - she just came out with it. The Dude grinned like a simpleton, and I made the profound statement of "Girl". I meant to just think it, but it popped out nonetheless. I wasn't questioning her, just mulling over the verdict in my head. The tech proceeded to point out why it was labia we were looking at rather than testicles, and passed on the ultrasound tech wisdom that in their circles, they call it the hamburger. Yes, the hamburger. It seems that in profile on an ultrasound, labia resemble the outline of a hamburger. I think it seems like a cheesy euphemism, like those people who use cutesy words like "hoo hoo" or "bajingo" for vagina. I could picture myself telling Enid in later years, "Now honey, don't let anyone touch your hamburger. Those are your private parts and not for strangers!" or "Stop touching your hamburger!"

Oddly enough, Enid of the immovable head seemed to revel in touching her hamburger, even at this early stage of her life. What a proud moment. Twice the tech said, "Oh, her hand is between her legs", much to The Dude's enjoyment. In fact, the first time this was said, he laughed loudly and I was utterly humiliated at his response. We would have expected this of any son of his, but a daughter? Sort it out girl and leave your hamburger alone.

With further explanation of the sexual organs came the infinite statement that will definitely be told to Enid when she is older and able to handle its significance without acute embarrassment. Apparently the tech could tell Enid was a she because of a) the pronounced hamburgerness and b) the immense chunkiness of my baby's labia. Believe it or not, the words "chunky labia" were repeated at least twice by the tech with no hint of humour. I have no idea where Enid gets it from, as I think my labia are quite normal. Perhaps I have some sort of labia mutant growing inside of me, I don't know. I also hope her chunky labia doesn't manifest itself once she gets older, because who needs that predisposition to extreme camel toe?

Other lessons learned were:

1) Freddo has large, wide feet. Thanks for that one Dude. Poor kid will have to make her way in the world as a Yeti with chunky labia. Looks like that "sometimes life just isn't fair" speech will have to come to this one quite early.

2) Little wisps of hair could be seen on the back of her head, floating like diaphanous silk in the amniotic fluid. I am pleased that this would hint at her lack of complete baldness at birth.

3) She is measuring at average size for this stage (27w1d at ultrasound), hovering at the lower end of average. I was relieved that this would indicate that perhaps GD is not present, and it put the kernel of doubt in The Dude's mind that I am now not eating enough. Two weeks ago I was a fucking pig when I ate half a tub of Cherry Garcia, now I'm bloody malnourished. He does not make a trip to the kitchen now without offering to prepare some food for me.

The ultrasound concluded with Enid moving every part of her body regularly with the exception of her head, two CDs of her activities, and about 12 photos. I sometimes like to look at the photos when I'm alone, revelling at the little body parts on show. I cannot fathom that this tiny creature is still inside me and will make her appearance in about 12 short weeks if all goes to plan. To think that these are photographs of my daughter, my little girl...it's...well, nothing short of amazing. I often wonder how long it will take after her birth to say "my daughter" without feeling as if I'm lying, making up a life that isn't mine.

Enid had her first concert last night - Morrissey - and I spent most of the night juxtaposing the me that is a huge Morrissey fan with the idea of me as a mother who is proud of herself for exposing her child to his music in utero. I know it seems so lame to have these moments of faux enlightenment at a concert, but when the band started playing "How Soon Is Now" with the strobe lights creating a sort of unreal setting, I did get quite emotional. As I was listening to the music that had such a profound effect to my 14 year old self, locked in my room burning patchouli incense, reading poetry and wondering why no boy would ever like me, I find myself now on the cusp of being someone's mother. I was that 14 year old just yesterday, and now I am close to being the mother of a daughter. Jesus.

25 comments:

Pamplemousse said...

Oh Pru, I'm welling up! Though I do think I prefer the British euphemism of "fanny" hahaha. Congratulations on the all-round goodness and healthiness of Enid.

I was weeping last night cos I missed Morrissey on Jonathan Ross. I did get to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs but that woman's freaky legs were too distracting.

electriclady said...

It's never too early for a girl to learn to love her hamburger. :) Though I must admit I am mystified as to what exactly constitutes "chunky" labia.

deborah said...

Ah, a daughter! You are in for a real treat, my friend. I'll take a hamburger over a hotdog anyday.

Ova Girl said...

Great post Pru! And congratulations! yay the hamburger!

Wavery said...

Congratulations! Such lovely. . . yeah hamburger. I've heard taco before but not hamburger.

EJW said...

When my co-workers talk about their teenage (or even adolescent) kids, I often feel like I emphathize with the kids more than the parents. It doesn't feel like that long ago that I *was* the angry teenager fighting ovr the car. So it's especially horrifying to think that I could be on the other end of that argument in a short time.

Anonymous said...

Can't blame a girl for not showing her face while she was playing with her hamburger!

Beth said...

"I also hope her chunky labia doesn't manifest itself once she gets older, because who needs that predisposition to extreme camel toe?"

I have finally done it. I have spewed water on my laptop while reading one of your posts. Congratulations on your little girl.

PS-So jealous you, Enid and the Dude got to see Morrissey.

Kath said...

Dear Pru, I'm so glad all is so very well in your corner of Ultrasound Land. Congratulations on your stubborn little girl!

Still marveling at the "chunky labia" bit, though.

amyesq said...

What a great post! And little Enid can play with her hanburger all she wants, as long as she does it in private. And, like Deb said, never letting any hot dogs near it.

Congratulations!!

PJ said...

ahhhh Morrissey. He brings back fond memories of high school. I'm glad you're exposing Enid to such high quality music. Joseph was exposed to the North Mississippi Allstars in utero and I felt the same way you did, gotta start the musical ear early.

Congratulations on your daughter. I still pause when I say my son. I wonder when it will ever feel natural.

Holly said...

Congratulations! You don't know me, but I have been reading since long before this pregnancy, and have been praying for you and the bub.
Is Enid the final name decision? It's very cute.

Nico said...

I too wonder exactly what is meant by chunky labia. You'll have to tell us when you pop her out. Or then again, maybe not - it might mean you get hits from people you'd rather not...

Alexa said...

Ah, the sweet joy of seeing that you have posted again. Who else can I count on for phrases like "chunky labia?"
Many congratulations on your Enid. And the end of this post was beautiful, really.

fisher queen said...

I loved this post. I am so happy for you and your stubborn daughter. Also, love How Soon is Now. I could see how it meant something to you with Enid in tow.

Ornery said...

When your daughter is old enough to realize that her mother discussed her labial folds at great length with an international audience that numbers in the hundreds, she will either be extremely mortified or think you are one kick-ass mum. Congrats!

Julie said...

Hooray for a chunky labia!
Seriously, congrats and good luck, mom.

J said...

I'm de-lurking just to say that anyone who takes their unborn daughter to see Morrissey as her first concert are going to be freaking amazing parents.

Em said...

A little girl! I was totally shocked when I had a girl. I was sure she was a boy!

Thalia said...

Pru, I am utterly delighted for you. A girl. A girl who knows her own mind. A girl who gets taken to a morrissey concert in utero. That's one lucky, delightful girl. Mazel Tov.

Lisa said...

A girl! Wonderful! And a stubborn one too - that's the best kind.

Ummm..I'm confused here...a half a tub of Cherry Garcia is half a serving, isn't it? I thought that a pint of B&J was one serving? So by eating only half you were being positively restrained in my opinion.

Mmmm...ice cream...

Rachel said...

Awesome. Simply... awesome. You have a porn star in the making. You must be So Proud.

I so wish I could take Speck to a concert in utero, but there doesn't seem to be time or budget for that right now, and anyway, standing in line to pee at a concert would be horrendously bad at this stage.

Besides, what pregnant lady can stay up past 10PM?

I guess we'll just pretend and put the U2 DVDs in and turn the sound up really really loud!

Georgia said...

Yay for you and your chunky-labia'd l'il gal!

Tracey said...

OMG. I LOVED this post. Don't know where to begin...

Congratulations! It is an incredible thing to realize that you're actually going to be the PARENT!! I'm still reeling over it - 7 years and 3 kids later!

Vacant Uterus said...

Chunky labia...that's a new one for me. Guess she can't have too much a good thing, though, right?